Generosity Exposed

Mr. M is one of the most generous people I know. He gives without question and without expectation. He gives and never brings up payment ever again. He just gives.

This, is a lovely quality to have in a partner. I respect this side of him immensely, however, I hate to watch him get taken advantage of.

Now, don't get me wrong he is a VERY smart business man. VERY. He makes money in almost every business venture he has taken part in. He's excellent at making money and has the most impeccable credit, credit card companies drool over him.

He gave his friend $3000 when he needed it. I would say however, that he needed to just get a job, whatever job he could find and then Mr.M would give him whatever he needed to supplement that. Mr. M just gave it though, and asked no questions. He has YET to ask for him to pay it back - it has been a year.

Mr. M's sister is the opposite of him. She's a pot smoking, hippy, with no job, single mother, never been married, etc etc. Go ahead and paint the stereo-typical picture of her and you've got it exactly right. He gave her 3K 5 years ago because she said she was going to school and needed the money. He didn't ask questions, he didn't request that the bills from school come directly to him, he just gave it to her. Naturally he has yet to be paid back and no school was ever attended.

Today he sent me a copy of an email she sent yesterday and it just sickens me. This woman has NEVER called him on the phone. NEVER. The last time she called was for the 3K for school. He visits her and his niece once a year and pays for everything when he's there. Food, hotel, car, presents etc. So she is now asking him to pay her rent this month because she has a cold and took some "antihistamine" and lost her wallet which had her rent money in it. Which believe translates to: I smoked a bunch of weed and don't really want to get a job so could you pay my rent and I can continue living off the government?.

I asked him what he was gonna do and implied no judgement and offered no suggestions. He said, "give her the money of course."

I'm amazed and saddened.

Is he enabling her? or do I need to learn what it means to truly love someone from this man?

I Cried Because I Wanted To

It was my birthday yesterday... and I definitely cried and maybe it wasn't because I wanted to.

As I said in my previous post. I had a big giant no show from my "friends" for my birthday dinner last night. So I cancelled it at 2:00 in the afternoon. Then I held back tears at my desk for the rest of the work day.

On my way home I cried.

Mr. M called me and I cried to him.

He came home and I sobbed into his jacket. "I [sob] have [sob] no friends [sob sob]"

Turns out he had made last minute reservations at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the city. He told me to wipe my tears and put something cute on.

I tried my best, still feeling as the night could not be salvaged.

The food was amazing, the ambience lovely, I got a dessert with candles, and of course the best company a girl could ask for.

I got into the car after the meal feeling like the night had been better than I could have even planned or wished for. There in the backseat sat a gift for me.

In that gift after I pushed the tissue paper aside was the most lovely Coach handbag I had ever seen. Then, I cried again, but this time the reason was that I have the most amazingly caring man who loves me so much.

He said he tried to get last minute Harry Connick Jr. tickets but to no avail. He said he wanted to make it right and didn't want me to lose the giddy happiness I get around my birthday. He said he loves my squealing screams when opening presents.

That boy loves me man.

So why do I feel so awful today about him spending all that money?

Question Of The Day

Numerous phone calls have all had the same question start off the conversation:

"So how does it feel being closer to 30!?"

errrr. great. Yea... it's really great. ummm... gotta go.

I never thought I'd be the sort to not shout from the rooftops that my Birthday is here. Today has been slightly depressing so far.

Let's go over the guest list shall we?
Jeff - "previous engagement" - can't come
Jeff's wife - same engagement as above
Raff - has class
Raff's Girlfriend - can't come because Raff has class
Jessie - moving and closing on new home tomorrow AM
Jessie's husband - same as above
Steph - no babysitter
Steph's husband - ditto
Mikey - Lindsey is teething can't come
Monica - ditto
Lindsey - teething
Dave - broke
Dave's wife - broke
Jody - working
Renee - will be there
Renee's date - will be there
Kathe - will be there
Mr. M - will be there
and little old me.

Of the 19!!! invited, there will be five of us. Great, just frickin great. Maybe I should just cancel the whole damn thing. Yes, I believe I will.

Please Pass The Eye Cream

I'm turning 26 today.

Happy Birthday to me.

Damn Thy Intuition

I have a skill that most women have. The art of intuition. I call it an "art" because that is exactly what it is. The ability to conjure up things that you just KNOW are occuring having little to no evidence of them.

Throughout my long and relationship ridden past I have had this ability rear it's ugly head time and again. I have been right every time.

He seems a little distant - must be that girl - YUP... it's that girl

He seems a little quiet - must be about to break up with me - YUP broke up with me

He seems a little uncomfortable - he must be trying to hide something - YUP lost 20K gambling.

and so on and so forth. I'm so dead on it would scare most people.

Mr. M plays the game of "you don't know me" all the time when I spout off about my most recent inkling. He gets quiet, or doesn't come to bed, or doesn't kiss me goodnight etc etc and I call him out.

"Hey! You over there! Are you etching into the stone tablet in your head this moment so you can remember why you shouldn't marry me if by some chance you think it's a good idea someday?"

"You don't even know me..."

But I DO know him... and I know that's what he does. Something happens, like a random fight. Instead of making up and moving on, he dwells on the issue and tries to make himself REMEMBER the anger he's feeling at that moment so he can tap into it in a moment of a fleeting love spell.

He's been quiet for about the last 24 hours. It started sometime after we had sex yesterday morning and continued through today. I asked him last night if something was wrong. He didn't respond. Yea right, I get it.. you're deep in thought and didn't hear my question. WHATEVER!

He did not kiss me goodnight last night. There is an off chance that I was so dead asleep that I don't remember it, but highly unlikely. Something's up with him.

Just now, he called me for no apparent reason. He is test driving a Mazda3 with his 'friend' Kathe. Why would he think that at this moment he should call me? Must be doing something wrong.

I should follow-up by saying that sometimes my intuition is so powerful, it actually MAKES things happen just as I've thought them up.

Let's hope my intuition isn't so powerful... eh?

Weekend Blogger

Why is it that my favorite blogs never blog on the weekends? Is it because most of them have children and they like to devote that time exclusively to them? Or is it because they think of it as work?

I blog whenever the feeling hits me. It could be a Saturday morning or midweek. It can be at work or at home. It can even be when I'm on vacation or traveling.

Yes, I do read dooce and I know that the blogging at work and about work can be playing with fire. I don't know why I think I'm safe from this kind of thing. Maybe I'm tempting them. I'm tempting them into saying something or doing something about it. I have never said the name of my company or the names of any of my co-worker. I don't even use my real name on this site. So I guess I'm stupid for doing it but I just don't give a damn.

So where are you people? What's with the no blogging on the weekends?

Excuse Me While I Use The Bathroom

Yes, I haven't written since Monday or something - which isn't that long considering SOME people's blogs. However, I tend to write everyday.

Unless of course liquid is coming out of my ass.

That's right people, not to get entirely disgusting on you but it's true. Sunday evening I started having severe stomach pains right below my sternum.

No not to the right - no it's not appenticitis SHEESH!

So, I took the morning off on Monday just to re-group after my painful night of sleep. Got bored around 11:00am and went into work.

Not a smart thing to do. I didn't realize this until about 2:00 when the bathroom visits became more frequent. Like every 20 minutes.

So I whined a little bit about it and went home. More pain and suffering occurred throughout the evening. I woke up Tuesday morning with the same gut wrenching pain (literally).

Went to work again, swearing to myself that if it didn't get better by 2:00 I was going to the Dr. I called the Dr. at about 10:00AM when LIQUID started coming out of my ass to make an appt.

"I'm sorry ma'am but the first appointment we have is Oct. 5th."

"WHAT?!? I dont' care if I see a physician's assistant or Dr. or anybody! There is LIQUID coming out of my ass!!"

"Yes, ma'am I understand but the first appt is Oct 5th and that's with a physician's asst. If you want to see a Dr. you'd have to wait till the end of Oct."

"So, what do you recommend I do?"

"Well ma'am I can't really say, but I suppose you could go to urgent care."

Ok, so apparently in this world you have to be either dying (i.e. emergency room) or have something that can wait a few weeks before you see someone about it.

Being that I felt ridiculous going to urgent care I did nothing about the situation on Tuesday except bitch and moan to Mr. M. We decided at about 10:00pm that night to try some Pepto, which I was fine with because at this point I was willing to try anything.

I took a swig of the nastiness and went to bed hoping that it might at least, you know, ummm, firm things up down there.

Morning came and I had suffered with the same pains all night. They come in attacks like little bursts of joy... more like getting punched in the gut every 20 minutes or so. I peeled myself out of bed and went to take my shower.

Naturally I usually pee before getting in the shower. Except - you remember the LIQUID?? yea, it was black... BLACK I TELL YOU!

So I yelled for Mr. M. I asked him if he would mind taking a look. To which he responded,

"Oh PUHHHLLEEEEASE dont' make me, PUHLEEASE for all that is good and holy in the world don't make me."

So tried to explain it to him. He said that it could mean 1 of 2 things. Either there is blood in my tummy OR the pepto turned it black. He went down to the computer to research it and I jumped in the shower.

Turns out that yes Pepto turns it black. However it didn't do what it was supposed to do which was... ummm errrr firm it up. GAH!

I went into work and the CB (cool boss) and co-workers told me I absolutely had to go to the Dr. No more excuses. GET THEE TO URGENT CARE.

So I went. To urgent care. Not too long of a wait and the cute little nervous early 30's male Dr. tried to help as best he could. I got blood drawn and an ultrasound on my Gallbladder, Liver, and other smooshy stuff in there.

They couldn't find anything. My white blood cell count is excellent, my blood pressure is perfect, no gallstones to speak of. NOTHING. So they send me home with some anti-runs medicine and some ant-nausea medicine. They say to come back on Friday if it hasn't cleared up for more tests.

I go home. More pain and suffering. More liquid. More SUCKINESS.

So, dear internets... please tell me what the heck is going on in there.

and no... I'm not pregnant but thanks for asking.

Shut Yo' Mouth

Attending the second wedding of my uncle this last weekend with Mr. M in toe brought up some awkward situations for both of us. I'll just give you the list:

• Grandma is about to snap a picture of us and says "SMILE, your next!" except that the smile part was happy and joyful while the 'your next part was matter o' fact like you better get to it buddy.
• Mom accidentally introduces us like this: "this is my daughter Suzanne and her husband Mr. M. OH NO, I mean... err.. sorry boyfriend!" and yes it was an actual freudian slip and no she didn't plan it. Yes, Mr. M had a heart attack and clutched his chest instinctively. Everyone thought it was funny but I could feel the weight of my entire family slide onto his shoulders.
• I jokingly reminded the bride that she forgot to toss the bouquet. Then we staged a funny scene where I was the only one to catch the bouquet in the entire room. Everyone laughed. Mr. M demanded a re-toss.
• On the ride home we were listening to "The Innocence Mission" one of our favorite bands. They sing this one song called "My Waltzing Days" and I love it. I said half asleep holding his hand, "when we get married can this be the song we dance to." He immediately pulled his hand away and the body language was not so good. not so good at all.

If I could just keep my mouth shut for a day, a week, a month etc etc then maybe these things would happen at their own pace. Instead I have to bring it up all the time. Not as if I'm pointedly trying to pressure him. It's more that it's just on my mind and to not talk about it would be to stifle my stream of consciousness.

I feel bad for him. I feel like my family and I have put him in a situation where he can't win. If he asks me now then it's not sincere (at least that's how I think he feels) and if he doesn't ask me he continues to get pressure.

I need to shut my mouth is what I need to do. Just let it be and stop talking about it to him alltogether. He needs a moment of peace. I've done this in the past, problem is - he rarily notices that I'm going out of my way to not talk about it. At one point I went like 6 months not mentioning it. Yesterday he said, "you've talked about babies or marriage every day of the last 2 years."

Guess how long we've been dating?

That's right... 2 years.

I can't win.

Not Too Bad

Not such a bad job with the cakes after all. Not exactly professional material but hey, I'm a work in progress.
Notice the fourth cake on the right side of the picture? That's the sugar free one. I just couldn't bring myself to make it part of the display since it was all droopy and melty. So I ordered an 8" cake from the local grocery down in Iowa to use for the small cake. Which I planned on decorating when I got there.
Turns out they lost my order but had a care bear cake that was white with light pink borders on it. I scraped off the borders and pulled of the little plastic care bear decal thingy. Did some repair work and decorated it like the other cakes. Not so bad for a last minute scramble.
If anyone else lives in the Twin Cities area and wants a cake that they wouldn't mind letting me experiment with please email me. I'd only charge for supplies and ingredients.

Cakes and Flakes

I'm working a 1/2 day at work today and then rushing home for a anxiety ridden afternoon. I am creating my first wedding cake from scratch. I've decorated a few cakes since my classes and they have turned out ok. You can still tell I'm a rookie though.

The strange thing about creating a wedding cake for someone is that I know how important it would be to me to have it look flawlessly beautiful so the pressure to not screw it up is almost unbearable. Who knows, maybe I've got it all wrong and the cake is the last of your worries on the day you're pledging your life to your spouse.

I've done a practice cake, made some changes, messed with the filling to get it just right, and now here I am. The wedding is tomorrow and I couldn't sleep last night because I was frosting cakes in my brain. I'm constantly thinking of ways to make it look better or go smoother.

Transporting the cakes is a bit of a concern as well. I've got two big plastic bins with lids. One is the kind you slide under your bed to store sweaters and stuff. That holds both the 16" cake and the 8" cake. The other one is the perfect size for the 12" cake. I have no-slip drawer liner to put in the bottom of the bins as to avoid smashing the flawless frosting (who am I kidding!). I'm also gonna lay towels over the bins in my trunk and cover them with bags of ice to hopefully avoid the bulging of the sides of the cake when the inside starts to melt.

Speaking of the filling - you want to know what my brilliant idea was?? Of course you do. I took lemon curd and home made whipped cream and folded them together making a sort of lemon mousse sort of thing. It's light, refreshing and not too sweet. I think cakes can get a little over the top if all the textures are too heavy and all the tastes are insanely sweet. Makes one want to eat a chunk of sharp cheddar.

So wish me luck on my cake endeavors.

My friend Jessie is coming to visit at noon for lunch and I'll take a break from my frostings to walk downtown (2 blocks) and have a bite to eat with my long time friend whom I haven't seen in going on two years.

She is my only link to Emily and I wish she didn't have to be in the middle of that. Especially since she seems to think it's her personal task to get us speaking again. I tell her all the time to not try so hard for something that is not going to be saved and yet she plugs along trying to pull us kicking and screaming to each other.

I will get to see her wedding pictures which I've been wanting to see for 2 years now. No, I didn't go to her wedding. Yes, it was because I wanted to avoid conflict at her wedding. I really was just trying to let them have a nice time instead of coming in and ruining everybodies day by showing up. I sent her a lovely bouquet of flowers with a card that hopefully expressed my love for her and congratulations on her special day.

Jessie said she talked to Emily about me last week and she seemed to be receptive to giving me a call. Problem is, I don't know how I feel about this.

I'm really hurt and angry about that situation still.

I know from the past that if I just try to reconnect with her for the sake of missing "us" a little that all the resentment I've had comes flooding back and ruins it again. I'm pissed she never called. I'm pissed she didn't respond to my letters. I'm pissed she didn't tell me about her baby boy or her pregnancy, I'm pissed she didn't even send an invitation. To be honest, I wouldn't have gone - but I'm pissed all the same.

I'd hate for Jessie to be caught in the middle of my anger and Emily's ambivalence. It's just not fair to her sweet little soul.


ps. I'm off for the weekend to deliver my surely demolished wedding cakes. Be back Monday!

Doesn't Everybody Do This?

I was having trouble falling asleep at my desk and staying upright so I went to the bathroom.

In the bathroom I leaned my head against the stall - still no luck.

After that didn't work I actually contemplated sneaking out to my car and napping for a while.

Numb

I drove to work today and all I could feel was numb.

I hate it when this happens to me. It's as if a little part of me is sick of fighting the good fight (or the bad fight for that matter). The bigger question should be, why do I look at life as a fight? Ever day I clean the house, do the laundry, get ready for work, show up at work on time, take the allotted lunch break, stay at work until the required time, drive home in traffic, make dinner, and repeat. This seems so monotonous and all I can say is - why?

Is this it? Is this really as good as it gets?

Whenever I feel like this it reminds me of the scene in the movie "As Good As It Gets" with Jack Nickolson when he's freaking out and runs into his therapist office and screams "HELP!" and eventually calms down after being told that, no the therapist couldn't see him right now. Then as he's leaving, looking defeated he turns to the entire waiting room and says, "what if this is as good as it gets?"

He's right. What if we are wrong about heaven and hell occurring after death. Maybe we're in hell now and we get to go to heaven after we've lived here for a while.

I know it seems like I'm depressed, but I'm really not. I just want more from life. I've got a fire in me that I've always had. I need to travel the world and smell the ocean. I need to feel alive and that I'm spending my life doing something that is important - like making babies and being with family/loved ones. THAT'S what it's about. Not this other bullshit we've decided is important in our society.

I want to grow something, make something, knit something, bake something. I want to get my hands dirty and sweat. I want to go to sleep at night feeling as if I've accomplished something real during that day.

I abosolutely will not accept that I'm the only one who feels like this and yearns for these things. You're out there - I know you are. Don't you want to do this too?

Blah

Today is blah. The weather is blah - more importantly the work day is blah.

No work for anyone. We're all bored as hell. It's going on 3 months now that we've had no incoming work to speak of.

Because of my lack of work I'm starting to get ansty. As you can see by the previous post I'm not exactly feeling the whole 'work' thing right now. I'd rather be home baking cakes.

If it were just a lack of work I probably wouldn't be feeling so much like this, instead I have the added bonus of the old curmudgeony ass-hole treating me like a child and yelling at me. Yes, that was quite pleasant I must say.

Mr.M is gone in Vegas for 5 days and I don't envy him in the slightest. At least I get to come home after my hell day and sleep in my own bed. He'll be back Thursday night and as a treat for him I'm going to surprise him with freshly cleaned carpets and an impeccably clean house.

We've been living in filth ever since the kitchen remodel started 2 months ago. Cardboard everywhere, cat hair, carpet stains (from spills), and clutter MY GOD the clutter. We've stuck things in every nook and cranny we can find. It's time to do go through and just throw everything away. Hopefully Mr. M will appreciate my hard work and MONEY spent. I'm really doing it so we can clear out our lives and get back to living like normal people.

I think this kitchen chaos and the mess in the house is making us a bit resentful of eachother. We got in a HUGE fight in Home Depot the other day. Which, by the way, I think their should be some sort of disclaimer on the door of that place warning people that all who enter will inevitably swear at their spouse before leaving. I'm hoping that the cleaning of the house will be a bit more symbolic in that I'm cleaning out our life and our relationship getting rid of all the crap that messes everything up.

Enough rambling - I'm gonna get back to what I was doing (i.e. google searching for bakery jobs)

Here We Go Again

I'm in Phoenix on a business trip right now. I've been here since yesterday at noon which means I've been traveling with work people since 8AM yesterday.

I had a fun night last night hob knobbing and putting faces to all the voices I hear over the phone everyday.

Today I'm actually visiting our companies other office that is here in Phoenix. If there was one resounding theme for the day it is:

I don't want to do this

The cubes are small, the light is florescent, it is eerily quiet, the carpet is old and stained. I just can't do it. If this is what "corporate America" is ... I dont' want it. I don't want to to do this. I've had this depressing feeling floating right below the surface. People talking about this job or that, telling me that they have worked here for 10+ years, seeing the fatigue in their face and in their voice. Working long hours, sometimes past 10 at night.

To top it off I got a reminder email from CoolBoss today about only taking half hour lunches and if you take a longer lunch you have to stay longer at the end of the day yada yada yada. The email wasn't just for me, it was for everybody. I'm pretty sure it wasn't her idea to send it either, I'm sure she was doing it because someone above her told her she had to. The reason I started at this company was because I wanted to feel trusted and not be treated like a child. I'm a grown adult, with a college education and a life. I will NOT be timed when I have lunch, I just will not do it.

I just want to be home - with my kitten and my man.

Here we go again... dust off that resume.

Mixed Emotions

Ok so blogger doesn't support trackback... so I can't do what I wanted to do, which was link to an old post I had written about Emily so everyone had some background. It was posted July 28th if you're curious. FIDDLESTICKS I tell you fiddlesticks.

UPDATE - http://womanhearmerant.blogspot.com/2005/07/dreams-of-emily.html - here is a link to the previous post.

Thank you www.cursingmama.blogspot.com you rule!

On the way home from work yesterday I had the urge to call my friend Jessie whom I haven't spoken to in a year. Jessie is this kind hearted soul who's father died while she was a freshman in college and she got married last year at the age of 22. She's always been wise beyond her years, patient, and loving of all people. I guess that's why she became a nurse for terminal ill elderly people. If I were dying I would want Jessie to care for me, she has a way of maintaining one's dignity.

So I called her because I had this overwhelming feeling that she was pregnant. I don't know why. I left her a message stating just that, "Hi it's me, haven't talked to you in forever but I had an instinct that you were pregnant, call me back and tell me if I win a prize."

She called back ten minutes later screaming that if I just jinxed her and she is now pregnant that I am sooooo dead. hehehe.

We talked for a good half hour, catching up on our lives and such. Jessie has stayed in contact with Emily my ex-bestfriend and only soulmate I've known (pre-Mr.M). Emily and I have had one rough ride as friends. We currently aren't speaking due to the fact that she got married, didn't invite me and then got pregnant and didn't tell me. We haven't spoken for 2 years.

So towards the end of our conversation I casually said, "so how's Emily, still pregnant?" To which Jessie responded, "Oh he's doing great".

WTF?

That's right people. She had her baby last week. That impulse to call due to pregnancy wasn't about Jessie, it was about Emily. She had Clayton last week via emergency C-Section. Apparently my dear old friend pushed and pushed and the boy just wouldn't budge. I bet she was so scared. The boy weighed 9 pounds and some change.

I'm angry I'm overjoyed I'm saddened I'm tingly I'm on the verge of tears writing this

So when am I going to let go and close the book. I always think I have done it and then I hear more news and it brings it all back.

I apologized to Jessie for always putting her in the middle of us. I told her I was sorry for bringing it up and that it wasn't fair to her.

At that moment my sweet little friend said some important words to me.

"Thanks for making the first call Suzanne. That's a thing that a lot of people can't do and I want you to know I recognize it, it's not your fault."

I wanted to burst into tears. I thought all my efforts were only acknowledged by Mr.M and myself. I thought that the letters I sent, the emails I wrote, and the calls I made to reconnect were either never read or discarded. That one statement from Jessie made me realize that my extended palm branches were received, they were discussed, and they were real.

So why do I still feel so sad?

I Can Give You Ideas

Today while shopping with my sister I stumbled across the pink blender I've been wanting. It was on sale for $100 bucks and we had a 10% off coupon. As well as a 20% off mail in rebate.

Knowing that I've been hinting that I want this new blender for the kitchen I called Mr.M to notify him of my soon to be purchase.

"Hi baby, I'm at Marshall Fields with Sis and the pink kitchenaid mixer I want is on sale! So I think I'm gonna buy it!"

silence

"HELLO?! Are you there?"

silence

"ummmm errr mumble mumble I already bought it"

GOD can I be dense sometimes or WHAT! I ruined a fun surprise that he had planned all because I'm so damn impatient. I feel like poo now.

As I was telling my sister of my current poo feeling due to the fact that I ruined his cute surprise I told her that what I really wanted was a ring. Not a blender or all-clad or any of that crap. I want a ring.... strike that! I don't even really want a RING persay. I want a proposal.

Suzanne's birthday wish list:

PROPOSAL


That's all I want. No expensive gifts, dinner, or jewelry just a simple "will you..."

Which brings me to my point. (who knew, I actually I have a point!) I would have to say that I am the all time greatest at coming up with surprises for loved ones. Especially in the "how do I propose?" category. I have all kinds of ideas.

The one I thought would be the coolest just recently was this:
We're about to put glass tile on our backsplash in our new kitchen. It's this pretty beachy aqua color. If he would get one of the pieces engraved without me knowing it...a nd just have it say "Suzanne will you marry me?" maybe put the date on it and his name too. Then since he's doing the tiling I'd come home from work one day and be admiring his work and TADAHHH there it is.

The cute part about that idea is that it's there forever. People will buy and sell the house always having that piece of tile that we left our mark on.

Problem with me coming up with all these great ideas is that I set myself up for big time dissappointment when I open the box on my birthday and it truly is just a pink blender.

I Am No Martha

I have to say I'm much more domestic than I was as a teen or even in college.

However, by no means am I any of the following:

clean
organized
a good cook
a perfectionist
housewife material

Sometimes I wish I would have gotten the "clean freak" gene that my mother has. Although she does seem to have quite a bit of stress regarding the cleanliness of her house. I could do without that.

This kitchen remodeling job has caused our house to become absolutely disgusting.
There are dirty dishes in the bathroom sink, a layer of dust all over the house, and a definite need of some SERIOUS cleaning.

The reason I'm sitting here typing this and not actually doing this cleaning is because I have too many roadblocks. The roadblocks are as follows:

Water isn't hooked up to the sink or the dishwasher yet so dishes can be washed.
Vacuum cleaner seems to be broken as I'm getting NO SUCKAGE PEOPLE!
Cardboard is taking over the house and the recycling bin is full.
Have too many of the wrong drawer fronts from IKEA and not enough of the right ones.
Dining room is still in the entryway can't move until the cardboard does.
In general I'm just a lazy person

So because of those reasons I sit here and type this and watch the rerun of the MTV VMA awards. Yea, I know... Martha's got nothing on me.

I must see it NOW!

Holy Crap!
I did NOT see the Six Feet Under final episode last night!

I just googled Six Feet Under. It seems that I just saw the last episode of season 4 and I have a whole other season to see before the end!

I don't know how I feel about this. I prepared myself for that to be the final. and now... now I have to WAIT for more. Because unlike the rich people of the world I do not have HBO and I get my SFU fix from netflix.

I went to the SFU website and accidentally read some re-caps of the finale season DAMNIT! Which means I know some of what is going to happen. CRAPPITY CRAP CRAP.

Countertops and Babies

WARNING: THERE WILL BE A SIX FEET UNDER SPOILER IN THIS POST!

I thought we were nearing the end of the kitchen construction. What I forgot to plan for was the damn countertop.

Did everyone know that it takes 4-6 weeks to get a countertop!!!!???? So, yea maybe if you planned it right it would show up at the exact same time the cabinets were installed, but NO! YOu can't even place an ORDER until they come to measure and all things are in place. So that means construction on the kitchen will not be finished for another 1-2 months. I HATE THIS!

I watched the final epsidode of Six Feet Under last night and OMG was I bawling. When Claire met Lisa at the cemetary and Lisa said to take care of Mia and she would take care of her aborted child... I BAWLED like the big baby that I am.

I also bawled when Claire was sobbing at the wedding. I felt like she was finally releasing all of her grief from everything in her life. She was crying for her unborn baby, her dead father, her mother's new life, her sister-in-laws death etc etc. I loved that scene.

The scene I loved the most though, was when Claire was playing with Mia at the end and scooped her up in her arms as if she were her own. I can totally relate to that. When I'm with family or friend's children, I feel like they are my own. I want to love them and kiss them and smother them with love.

Finally, I must express the sadness I feel for the people on the Gulf Coast. This morning I swore at some lady in traffic on the way to work. Immediately after I did that I felt stupid. Stupid because why should I be getting all worked up about something so small. People have lost their houses and some have lost their family members. I can not imagine a pain more great than losing people you love. If I lived closer I would offer them all a place in my home, food, clothing... whatever. Take all I have.

My feelings are mixed when I hear about the looting. I just don't understand how people in crisis, where lives are at stake are really thinking about big screen TV's and money!!??? Is this just a product of our messed up materialistic society?

Says the girl who's bitching about her countertops taking so long for her new f*ck*ng kitchen.