I Am Woman Hear Me Rant!

Get on the bus... cuz we're LEAVIN!

2008-06-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

My time in anonymity has now come to a close.

One thing to mention - I hope you do all come on over to my
new spot however, please be aware that family and friends in my real life do not know about this space that I've frequented for the past 3 years. The new space will be open to them and they will know about it. So you know - try not to drag this into that... yada yada.

See you over there!

-Suzanne... hence forth known as Elizabeth (my real name)
www.wizood.com

Coming Out Of The Closet

2008-06-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's time...

I've decided that blogging can only really continue if I stop hiding behind pseudonyms and pictures that don't have my whole face in them.

I'll be going to an actual website... no 'blogspot' no prefix/suffix nothing.

Stay tuned...

Derrrrrrrr I Learn Slow

2008-04-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

So that whole posting every day thing... yea... so maybe that was ever so possibly a good idea and I maybe probably should have possibly DONE IT - because HOLY SHIT people we're in a mine field over here.

I freeeekin bought a damn house people. Yes, you read that correctly - I bought a house, just when my life started to take on some kind of balance and serenity I decided to EF it all up with some good ol' house buying, packing, cleaning, and selling craziness.

Remember all my freak outs about falling down the stairs in my current house and how I couldn't possibly raise a toddler who likes to walk and talk and stick fingers in outlets in that house???? REMEMBER THAT?? Well, I tried to go all zen buddha on that whole thought process. I meditated on it and decided that I could not force such a thing to happen and it could not be the focus of my mental energy. As soon as I dropped it off my mental map - wouldn't you know the most perfect home in our most loveliest neighborhood (yep - 7 blocks away from where we live now) became available at an amazingly low price.

So we bought it - and while I'm totally thrilled and can't wait (safe stairs! huge kitchen! hardwood lovely floors! newer construction! gas fireplace! more bathrooms!) I've also landed myself in unhealthy territory as far as balance and serenity are concerned.

We argued long and hard last night (longer and harder than we should have) as to whether we should sell or rent our current home. Yes, the market sux a fatty right now and we may get more for the home in 2 years. However, we're not insanely wealthy people and the home we bought is at the top of our acceptable mortgage meter. So the husband wants to rent our current (100 year old!) home to some poor schmucks and then sell it when the market recuperates. Which is all well and fine if we had a little teensy weensy cushion of money for the "Just in case the furnace breaks" disasters.

So - what say you internets? Do we rent? or sell?

Good Intentions

2008-03-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

I've had plenty of things I could have written about in the past week and a half that I just haven't sat down to actually type. So this will be all jumbly but here goes:
_______
My brother got engaged last week Thursday and then we saw them at Easter when we went to Mom's house. The whole experience allowed me to get a clear picture of just how far I've come since I was in my early twenties. Although his fiance is 32 she has the muturity that I exhibited at 21. She's spastic, knee-jerky, a ranter, a know-it-all, loud, vulgar and interrupts people. This is the exact picture of me at 21 - EXACT!

So - I'm trying to be happy for my brother because I totally get that you end up finding someone who is familiar to you for your life partner. Lets face it this chick is so familiar to me and is a near copy of my mother's neurosis all rolled into one. It's just that he doesn't seem happy. He seems uncomfortable and nervous. Like he's afraid of what she'll say next that might embarrass him.

Maybe she was trying to over impress us - which is fine, I get that. So thats what I'm going to just assume from here on out, while at the same time hoping that she mellows with age since she'll be 'joining' our family and I hope will incorporate herself for the long haul. I wish divorce on no one.

_______

Which brings me to my growth in the past months. I've finished reading "Eat Pray Love" and am now on to "A New Earth". I think it is important that I read these two books in that order because the first very much allows you to have a sort of introductory to enlightenment or at least the process one woman took to find it. The second is more hard core about tackling your own enlightenment, which is a task I expect will take me the rest of my life.

I'm experiencing more calm in my day to day life than I was a few months ago. THis could be that I'm just moving away from the post-partum days but I also attribute it to some serious work I've been doing internally. I experienced my first successful meditation the other day too - which if thats how good it can be I'm all about it.

When I was visiting my mom I went to the beauty school down the street that does spa services as well. Everything is significantly cheaper than going to a regular spa since you'll have students performing the services. I got a facial and it was the most relaxed I've felt in months - maybe even years. During the facial I did some meditation with using a repetitive word I learned in "Eat Pray Love". Now I know what the author means when she says she falls asleep while meditating or SOMETHING. Because it truly isn't sleep but it is SOMETHING. It's like experiencing complete stillness. NO thought, no internal words, nothing. Just complete silence in your mind. I dig it... I REALLY dig it.
_______
On the trip home from my mothers we hit some nasty potholes and I got a flat tire and damaged the other two tires. Now I'm dealing with insurance claims and tire stores to try and get it fixed without paying the $1300 I've shelled out. Even though it was a stressful and not fun situation - I'm not freaked about it at all. I'm just thinking whatever happens is fine as long as we're all safe. If the insurance company doesn't pay? Fine.

Valedictorian of Suffering

2008-03-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

In this weeks appointment we talked about the difference and the separation between Pain and Suffering. I've always combined the two - you can't have pain withOUT suffering. Stub my toe vis a vie SUFFERING! Get a cold, here we come SUFFERING!

Turns out I have a gold medal in suffering, I'm excellent at the 'ouch ouch OUCH, OH GOD IT HURTS, WHOA IS ME!!! MOOOOAAANNN'. I've always been good at that. But it wasn't until the session on Saturday that it dawned on me that you CHOOSE the suffering. The pain, well, its pain... it just IS. The suffering, however, is all a part of what my 'ego' is constructing. When I say ego, I'm referring to it in a buddhist way.

In tandem with the therapy I'm trying to immerse myself ever so slightly in buddhism. I'm ready Eat Pray Love right now - that is basically buddhism 101 with some funny anecdotel story telling in it as well. I am her in so many ways, and in other ways I'm the farthest thing from her.

This weeks task is to try meditating with a chanted phrase at least 2 times this week. I'm going to go for 10 minutes at first - because knowing me my mind will be freaking the EF out after about 5 minutes. I'm not good at sitting with my own thoughts and 10 minutes will feel like an eternity!

So... this week recognize suffering, choose serenity, meditate.

OOOHHHHMMMMM

FU Daylight Savings Time

2008-03-10T08:46:00.001-07:00

Seriously - can we just do away with this hour switching please...

My daughter cannot handle the hour switching. In the fall she's up at 5:00am wondering where the heck her momma is and why isn't she playing with me RIGHT NOW! In the spring (errr WINTER!)she's cranky as heck and taking amazingly long naps only to wake up whiny about forty bazillion times throughout the night. Which is so unlike her. Since about three months old she's been a rock star sleeper. Unless she's sick or ailing in some way she gets a gold medal for sleep.

We're heading to Tucson today to visit some family and it couldn't have come at a better time. I need some sun therapy - just to feel the sun beating down on me would be like heaven. Oh - and a margarita, I wouldn't mind a margarita either.

If you're looking out the window this week at the 14 degree weather - just think of me! I'll be sitting poolside in 80 degrees. Scratch that - I'm not that mean... get yourself on a plane too and get somewhere warm!

Assignment

2008-03-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

I've been instructed by my therapist to begin writing each morning. The interesting this about this particular task is that I have been told to write even when I feel as if their is nothing to write about.

Just.like.today.

Basically his theory - and one I fully agree with - is that when my life finds a balance, so to speak, I begin to ignore the "girls in the back". The analogy he used is that I'm the CEO of this company - my body/brain/self whatever. In being the CEO I focus my attention on external projects. Those projects are usually work, making dinner, changing diapers, doing laundry - the general tasks of living. In the constant focus on the external I tend to ignore the workers in the back as it were. I ignore my factory workers and don't pay much attention to them until they're staging a riot and setting fires to the factory.

Get it?

Yes, ok - moving on!

The task of writing when I'm on an even keel is meant to help me have daily meetings with the factory workers hopefully creating more of an open communication between the front end (output) and the back end (internal angst). Thus eliminating these outbursts I experience and/or major meltdowns that have occurred (oddly) every 4 or 5 years in my life.

Consider this day one - and you're absolutely suppose to bitch at me when you don't see a post by midday. That of course only counts for Mon-Thurs.

I Am The Greyhound

2008-02-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

Therapy is going well - and is providing me with lots of brain fodder to toss around. My therapist is this older gentleman who looks like he was a philosophy professor in a previous life. He wears ties and sweater vests with sport coats over them. He's a calm and even little man - which requires me to stop long enough for him to finish a sentence. This is a struggle for me - because I'm running at break neck speed and he's meandering down a thought pattern.

We've had a few significant discoveries in my last two sessions with him. The first being that I didn't realize I was as upset as I was about my Dad not being willing to take the baby girl for a night while we went to Chicago. Mr. M bought me tickets to Wicked in Chicago and we booked a hotel - it was awesome. My dad said that he wouldn't take the baby girl - and at the time I thought, ok, so he's not ready yet. Then when I was explaining it to my therapist I burst into tears.

Part of my struggle is that I feel so very much alone at times with this child rearing thing. Mr. M is totally on board and helps out tremendously, but the way our schedule is right now we are never home on the same day at the same time. We just pass the baby off, with no family time except for the 2 hours at night when one of us just gets home from work till she goes to sleep. So my weekends are not my weekends - I get no time for errands, hair appointments, laundry, etc. (which I should be doing all of right now - but instead I'm typing). Finding babysitters is tedious and I really would rather not do it because its like asking someone to do a favor for you all the time. That gets old - and I don't like the feeling of 'owing' people or 'needing' them or 'relying' on them.

Another thing that became apparent at my last session was that I'm constantly trying to achieve calmness and serenity. I'm pushing and running and pulling as hard as I can to get balance and happiness. Except, that I never get it. I can think of one time in my life when I had it. I was living in my own apartment, going to school, and working at the casino (making TONS of dough). I would hang out with work friends after work then sleep in till like 10 - go to class for an hour or two then head to work at 2 or 4. That rocked and I remember liking it alot.

Now I feel like if I just had a house with safe stairs, or laundry on the main floor, or a kitchen with a decent size pantry - THEN I would feel like everything wasn't such an uphill climb.

Or if I had a job that paid more, or if I quit my job all together, etc etc etc. The list goes on of all the ideas I have that could "solve" my discontent. My therapist told me I was a greyhound. I'm built for running. I run after that rabbit and I run like hell. I'm not sure what I'll do with that rabbit once I get it, and I've never actually had a rabbit before to know if I really want it - but goddamnit I NEED that rabbit.

So I'm going to attempt to retrain my brain to be a mutt - who enjoys sniffing around and meandering from thing to thing enjoying the journey and not focusing on the destination.

Yea... right.

Let me Splain.... No Let me sum up

2008-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

I fell down the stairs on Sunday night - while holding my baby girl. Quite possibly this was the most terrifying event in my 28 years of life - barring of course the 4 hours it took to push out my dear child when I was in labor.

I got pretty beat up on the way down - I think she survived it mainly because she was riding a mommy sled. I didn't brace myself as my instinct was to hold on to her. So I've got some sore bones and some bruises and bumps but mainly just a bruised ego and spirit.

To sum up my recent post...

I believe I have what most doctors would call postpartum depression. Several things could be playing into this. Including but not limited to: working from home while mothering my child, people getting canned by the minute at my job, general upkeep of my home, maintaining a relationship with my husband, loss of self/hobbies, body shape changes, lack of sleep, etc. I'm anxious all the time... yes ALL.THE.TIME.

If I'm not worrying about the baby, I'm worrying about my job, the car, the money, my husband, my marriage, etc etc. Right now I could make you a list of probably 25 things I'm worrying about and it would be easy - I mean REAL easy.

I got a raise and a promotion at work 2 weeks ago. A blessing and a curse really. More money, more responsibility... which equals - harder to leave and more stress. Only a depressed person could find a way to think of a promotion and raise as a bad thing.

Quite possibly I saw the sun for the first time today in maybe a few weeks. We've been having some frigid temps in MN lately and its enough to suck the last drops of life blood right out of you. In addition to suffering from a bit of cabin fever, with the fall down the stairs I'm house shopping. I know I'm probably grasping at straws at this point, anything to turn the general mood of my life around. So far I've blamed it on everything including my crazy brain.

There is never enough time, money, energy or love.

Am I The ONLY One?

2008-01-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

Hi All - or should I say... Hi the three of you.

I'm in the throws of what seems to be some post partum depression or anxiety or some such thing. I just can't get it together.

Although her mommy is debby downer... this one seems to be all smiles:

Never Fear - I am still here

2007-10-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm just the busiest little mommy ever. With starting back at work and trying to care for my child, my husband, MYSELF, and my home - it's nearly impossible to even get to the gym.

I'm overwhelmed with tasks. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, feeding...etc etc.

I will return - and when I do I have loads to tell you - like how cute my adorable little bug is and how she changes everyday and she's smiling and laughing and and and... you get the point.

And The Universe Says YES!

2007-09-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry ... just trying to figure out this mothering thing over here. I used to hate it when a blogger would drop off the face of the earth right after having a baby. Right when you were just getting so excited to see those big cheeks and read about all the snuggles... BAM. GONE... for weeks and sometimes months.

So, I guess I'm that blogger, because I never realized that maybe they had, I don't know, a LIFE. And a baby that maybe didn't sleep either.

We're working on the sleeping thing and still limping along with the breastfeeding. We have our good days and our difficult days. Some days I feel like mother earth, life giving, snuggling my baby girl breastfeeding her. Other days I feel like an over-milked cow and like I've been sucked dry. Probably because most times I have been sucked dry. I don't produce enough milk but we've reduced her formula supplementation to one bottle a day, which usually happens at night right before sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping - we're getting better on that too. Two steps forward one step back, but we're getting there. Two nights ago she slept from 10pm to 4am - which rocked! and then back to sleep till 8ish. Last night we slipped back a bit though as she woke up at 1, 3, 5, and 7. I was miserable after that and she was also not interested in her regular naptime at 2 this afternoon so I didn't get that little boost of sleep either.

Also some good news about work. I was told yesterday that I have been granted part-time when I come back from maternity leave (which is in two weeks!). Three days in the office and 2 days working from home for only 4 hours each of those days. My pay is pro-rated and I keep all my benefits including PTO, Holidays, and 401K. How sweet is THAT?! I never knew they did that kind of thing at my work - who knows maybe I'm a special situation but I ain't complaining that's for sure.

Here's my lovely:

Silver Lining

2007-08-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

First can I just say... that I've never felt totally 'supported' by the people who read my blog. I mean, no one has ever taken much of an interest in my little corner here. I have a few readers that I just love, and I read them too, and that has always been good enough for me.

until now.

The words that you have all offered mean so much to me. To here there are more of you out there who's milk didn't come in, had difficulty breastfeeding, didn't get any sleep, and have struggled my struggle - its' priceless really. Knowing I'm not alone and that I'm not the first to experience this helps exponentially.

Last week after my melt down - we drove down to Iowa to visit the family. We almost didn't go because I was so tired. Plus, I got in a fight with Mr. M because the day I had my melt down he came home that night and started walking to the bedroom at 10:00 as I was yet again feeding Lillybean saying he was 'so tired'. Anger bubbled out of me and I told him that I hated him so much at that moment. He got pissed, I got pissed, and the last thing I was standing on (my marriage) showed a small hairline fracture.

So we got in the car - angry and exhausted and drove 3 hours.

I handed the baby over to her loving grandparents, auntie, uncles, and cousins - and we got some sleep. They brought her in when she needed to breastfeed, and they took her back when she was done. I didn't burp, I didn't put her back to bed... I just breastfed and she went back. We got three 4 hour chunks of sleep - it was glorious. It was also the first time I have come back from one of my family's gatherings feeling better and more rested than when I left.

Today was my dear girl's one month check-up and naturally she's thriving. She has gained a whopping 1 1/2 lbs since her 1 week appointment. She's in the 75th percentile and looks deliciously chubby. Every morning she snuggles in bed with me as we do our last feeding at 8am and sleeps next to me for about 2 hours. If I didn't have this part of my day I don't think I'd make it to the next.

See how chubby she is:

We take her to a family practice doctor instead of a pediatrician - we really like the Doc a lot. She's calm and sweet and cares for our family as a whole. One thing that didn't sit so right with me though is that today she asked me how I was doing - as she did last time too. I told her I was desperate for sleep and that I hit my wall last week. She said,"if you need medication don't be afraid to ask - there are a lot of medications out there that can help. "

Um..... WTF?

I'm a sleep deprived new mom who's struggling with breastfeeding and she wants to offer me an anti-depressant right off the get go?!? I realize I have a history of depression and that this is something doctors should be on the look out for. HOWEVER, I don't like doctors just throwing out anti-depressants like candy - like it's the first option and not the last.

I may look back on this and see that I SHOULD have been medicated or I may look back and decide to change doctors. We'll see - only time will tell.

Melt Down - Take 137

2007-08-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I dropped my basket.

I called everybody I could in my moment of weakness. Em wanted me to get in the car and drive her over to her house and leave her there till the morning so I could get 8 hours of un-interrupted sleep. Maybe it's sleep deprivation or maybe its irrational but I just can't do that. I can't leave my 3 1/2 week old baby at someones house overnight. Although the sleep would be lovely , I just can't leave my baby girl.

I was basically at my whits end yesterday.

I need sleep - on the most basic level... just sleep.

Walking Dead

2007-08-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

So many things to say - so little time... in fact... there is no telling how far I'll get before the baracuda latches on to my extremely sore nipples again. So let's summarize:

Sleeping:
I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at one time for three weeks. This is the most insanely difficult time of my entire life. I'm thankful that I was able to sleep all through my pregnancy, although it didn't help much past the delivery. Bursting into tears for lack of sleep and full on exhaustion is not a rarity around here. People keep coming over for visits and friends think they are 'helping' by stopping by during the day. None of this helps. The only thing that could help me right now is if someone could figure out how to make my child sleep longer than 2 hours OR if someone slept over and took a few feeding shifts. She generally goes to bed at 10 and wakes to eat at: 1, 3, 5, and 7. We've tried keeping her awake during the day, playing loud music, lights on, etc. We've tried spiking the pumped breast milk with a scoop of formula. Nothing works. I suck at this.

Breastfeeding:
Is still very hard. Sometimes I feel like she's sucking and sucking and getting nothing from me. My nipples are sore, cracked, and scabbing (sorry- but I'm not one to sugar coat). We supplement with formula when we need to or in the middle of the night if I need to sleep. I pump when I can - but usually I'm too tired. I'm taking fenugreek - which is a herbal remedy said to increase milk production. I drink water by the buckets trying to will my milk to come in more. At this point my goal is two months - if it's still this hard, I'll start weaning. Please don't judge, it's very hard for me, I want this to work but the breast reduction has squelched those dreams.

My Husband:
I miss my husband and he sleeps next to me everynight. Ok - let me rephrase. I sometimes lay my head next to him for a few hours during the night. I miss snuggling, out to dinner, going to movies, and talking to him. We're both too exhausted to any of this. I know it's temporary, but I just miss it...

Returning to work:
At this point - returning to work sounds lovely, but only if I'm sleeping. The week before I went on maternity leave I bid several large scale projects and it turns out - we sold all of them. Several of them are large scale international studies which we haven't been able to get into with our client till now. Usually the international work goes to one of our competitors. This is awesome on so many levels. It's also a bit scary -because I'm a mom now, that means international travel is really not the smartest move for me. It's not practical and it would kill me to be away from my lillybean for any amount of time.

Ok - thats it - I must sleep since she's sleeping, even though its 2 in the afternoon, I'll take it when I can get it.

We're Ok

2007-08-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

We're all accounted for here - family and friends are safe. It's unbelieveable really, I have taken that bridge 100's and 100's of times in my life. My co-worker was on the bridge, she's ok, she's shaken, but she's safe. She fell 50 feet in her car and then climbed out of her car and scaled the side of the bridge to safety.

There really are no words I can offer to those that have lost loved ones or waiting for rescue workers to recover the bodies of friends or family. All I can do is hold my baby tight, kiss my husband, and silently pray.

Birth Story - Part 2

2007-07-31T12:49:00.001-07:00

Operating on no sleep here... I mean... really... NO SLEEP. Any recommendations on a book or SOMEthing to help us sleep through the night and get this feeding thing down would be greatly appreciated.

So - where was I? Asking for the epidural at about 1pm I think.

1:00pm Sunday July 15th
We walked to our room that we would eventually give birth in and stay for the remainder of our time at the hospital. I was having pretty harsh contractions at this point and they were about 4 minutes apart. They ran a bath for me and I was screaming so loud during the contractions the little bathroom was reverberating with sound. Mr. M was trying to work with me through them. I couldn't take it - I asked for the epidural.

They informed me I would need to get the IV to get a bag of fluids through me before the epidural could be placed. That was extremely hard - the IV, I know that sounds crazy, I mean - I gave birth for chrissake. But it's true, needles just drive me insane for some reason. I screamed bloody murder as they placed the IV.

I begged them to tell me how long it would take for the epidural guy to come. They told me I had to wait for the whole bag of fluids to go through me - now I don't think that actually happened. It seemed like the guy was there a mere 5 minutes later ready to place the epi. The guy who placed my epi was this really harsh dude. He informed me that I couldn't be squirming around like I had been when he puts the needle in. He tried to get all preachy with me, and I had my first moment of directiveness. I basically told him that I'd do the best I could under the circumstances but stop f*ck*ng with me and get that thing in. hehe.

The most painful part of the epidural was the novicaine needle. Which really - was not as hard as the IV. The most difficult part was definitely holding still while he put it in. My whole body was shaking with contractions - like tremors, they were so painful. So the test was to try and get the needle in before the next contraction hit. He basically had a window of about 2 minutes to get it done. The jerky dude ended up being very efficient and got it done immediately.

It took about 5 contractions to get the full effect of the epidural. Then - it was relief. My left side didn't numb as fast as the right. It did eventually get there though - and my legs felt like rocks. They put in a catheter into my bladder which I thought would totally suck - but I was numb so it was fine. Here I was strapped up to every monitor and machine known to man, the exact opposite that I thought I wanted. I was at peace with it though - I did extremely well laboring at home and getting to 5 centimeters by myself. Also - having my water break on its own was something I really wanted too.

4pm -
We rested for a bit - turned out the lights and tried to nap. I was too excited to sleep though. Mr. M did try to get some sleep which I was greatful for - since the rest of the evening turned out to be a long haul.

5pm -
I'm fulling dilated to 10 and they wanted to wait a bit for me to start pushing since I couldn't feel anything at this point. They didn't want me to waste my energy pushing when I didn't know where to send my energy. They dialed my epidural back to an 8 - 12 is the max btw.

6pm -
We started for a few trial pushes - I still couldn't feel anything and pushing was a bit ridiculous. I had to rely on muscle memory hoping that if I thought about pooping then my body would push like it was pushing. No luck. I couldn't even make my toes wiggle. I didn't push for EVERY contraction since it was a bit fruitless till the epi wore off a bit. They dialed me back down to a 6 at this point since they wanted to get the show on the road - and so did I.

6:30PM
The real pushing starts. It's hard work - I can feel the contractions, I'm sucking down oxygen as much as I can between co1ntractions to keep my energy up. Mr. M has to hold one of my legs while the nurse (Suzanne!) held my other leg. My legs were totally dead to me and I couldn't really push against anything so I relied on my upper body to pull on the handles of the bed to curl into a ball and push down. I tried back pushing and both sides pushing.

7:30pm
still pushing... every 2 minutes... I'm beginning to get exhausted and my body is fighting so hard I'm vomiting into a dish Mr. M is holding up by my head. The puking is painful especially during contractions - and I'm only vomiting up stomach bile so it stings and burns my throat. Although it sucked - it did squeeze the baby down with every purge. I puked a total of 4 times during pushing. My body was at utter exhaustion and unable to do anything but contract all muscles - including the stomach - thus the puking.

8:30pm
still pushing - and now I'm bargaining with the nurses and Mr. M. Begging them to tell me how much longer, PLEASE GOD - how much longer!?! They promised me that the baby was "right there!" Brought over a mirror to help me feel like I was making progress and asked if I wanted to feel the head. I felt the head... once. Then I was over it. I just wanted her OUT. They also said - the baby would be out by 9.

9:30pm
still pushing - obviously 9pm came and went. At this point I was pissed the hell off. I vetoed the phrase "she's right there!" from everyone in the room. No one was allowed to say anything about her almost being there for the remainder of the labor. Obviously their promise of 9pm was bullshit as was their promise of her being right there. So what I did was ordered they remove the mirror - and no I didn't want to feel the head, because goddamnit this just wasn't working.

10pm
I told the room they better come up with some options because this was obviously not working. I had now been pushing for 4 total hours - and couldn't take anymore. My body was so extremely spent that I couldn't do much more to help this labor along. I dug as deep as I could into myself to find the strength at this point. The midwife offered an episiotomy saying she thought it might help. I asked about vacuum extraction - they brought in the OB on the floor. She came up and looked me directly in the eye and told me that she could do it, but it would tear me and that I'd still have to push just as hard as I had been. She said she thought I could get this baby out. She also said - if I didn't get this baby out by vacuum that she'd have to start talking C section.

When I heard C-section something came over me. I distinctly remember looking at Mr. M's face and seeing his worry and fear. I couldn't do that to him and I certainly hadn't worked this hard to have vaginal pain AND a c-section scar after all of that. I told the room - there was no way in hell I pushed for 4 hours to have a c-section. I told the midwife to cut me... I didn't feel it.

10:30PM
I looked at Mr. M and I looked into the eyes of my midwife - and I pushed so hard I thought my eyeballs would explode out of my head. Then I did this rocking motion - more like I'm trying to push a car out of a snowy ditch. Out she plopped - on my belly.

10:35pm
Li.llian makes her arrival. There are no words to describe the relief of this moment. I didn't have immediate feelings of love - I just rubbed her down and she made these little whimper cries. Not screaming - I almost felt her relief too I think. They let her stay on my chest for quite a bit - until...

10:45pm
Post partum hemorrage begins. The OB is called in - they are pushing on my belly so hard, it hurts almost as bad as the worst contraction. The placenta hasn't come yet - and people are frantic around me. I hear things - like "blood loss" "no placenta", "fourth degree", "cytotec".

The OB is stitching me up - and I ask her how bad it is - she informs me I have the worst tear that one can get. I have a fourth degree tear, the cut helped to get her almost out but once she came it was an explosion and my vagina and anus basically became one opening. They had to place cytotec in suppository form up into my uterus to get it to clamp down and stop bleeding. The placenta finally came out - and WOW does that feel amazing. Like the best poop you could ever take. I wouldn't stop bleeding so they also had to give me some sort of blood clotting drug into my thigh as well.

All the while - my beautiful girl - who was not so beautiful at this point, squished like crazy was getting 8's and 9's on her apgars. She was perfect.

So that is my birth story. Do I have any regrets? Not at all. If I hadn't have gotten the epidural I think I would have just given up and they probably would have done a c-section. Turns out that my dear girl was face up - and I was enduring back labor. That is why the contractions were so unbelieveable. It's also why I pushed for 4 1/2 hours - her little head was stuck on my sacrum and pelvic bone.

I pushed my baby out - and I'm very proud of that. However, the feeling I had that night when the lights were low and I was in my hospital bed with my husband and baby sleeping peacefully was not utter happiness. I felt like I had been gutted and left for dead. Like my body would never recover to its original shape or size and that I would forever be 'scarred'. My vagina would never be the same - I know that's weird, but it's true. The nurse helped me to take a bath while she changed my sheets. I just cried in the tub. I had a catheter to help me pee, IV to keep my fluids high since I lost nearly 4 cups of blood, and stitches holding my bottom together. I was given a diaper filled with ice - which felt heavenly but also embarrasing. All dignity was lost at this point. I couldn't control my peeing or my pooping for that matter as it just kinda fell outta me with the stool softeners they were giving me. Of course the alternative (constipation) was not something I wanted either - trust me, I experienced that a few days later.

All of this got better. My body has healed - a bit, but not all the way yet. I'm still bleeding, which is quite normal. Going to the bathroom has become much easier - and everything seems to be working properly. I have trouble sitting on hard surfaces.

Breastfeeding is the current battle - no thanks to my breast reduction 7 years ago, we're struggling quite a bit. That story will have to wait - she's sleeping, and I need to take advantage and get some rest as well.

Birth Story - Part 1

2007-07-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

Ok - lets see how far I get. Timing is tight around these parts these days - as I either have boobs hanging out from just feeding or about to be feeding or pumping or SOMETHING. Mr. M has used all methods possible to keep my curtains closed on our main floor of our house. He's getting pretty creative - chip clips, buttons, pins, - remind me to take pictures.

Sunday July 15th - 3:00AM

I was awoken with a contraction that was unlike any of the others I thought I was having up until that point. This one was very much like a menstrual cramp - so much so I thought I would go to the bathroom and have my period. When I did get to the bathroom I had some bloody show (just mucus with a few traces of blood). I put on a pad - to protect the undies and I tried not to get excited, I convinced myself to go back to sleep - which I did for a few hours.

7:00am
Once again awakened by a menstrual cramp - same intensity as the other one. Not like I couldn't bear it - it was just uncomfortable. I nudged Mr. M and whispered, "I've been having contractions I think." We snuggled a bit - and then I went downstairs and made a contraction tracker in excel (what, you thought I'd stop project managing when I went into labor?!?) I ate some cereal - and the contractions were about 7 minutes apart - I was unable to figure out how long they were as they kinda snuck up on me and then faded without a clear end to them.

I started baking cookies - as I'd always planned to do in early labor. I made my famous chocolate chip cookies and continued to have 7 minute apart contractions through that whole process. This whole time I'm letting Mr. M sleep since I knew that I would need him to be completely rested for whatever was about to happen the rest of our day. As I took the last batch of cookies out of the oven, Mr. M came downstairs. We hugged and were a bit giddy - as THIS COULD BE IT! eeeeeee!!!!!

Mr. M asked why I was timing the contractions. I thought about it for a minute and figured he was right. Why WAS I timing them?? It's not like if I was in labor I would miss it some how. So I abandoned my contraction tracker for a bit and took a shower. The shower felt awesome - but the contractions kept on coming. When I got out I made sure to put a another pad on - just because it was easier to keep track of just how much mucus and blood I was getting.

11:00AM
Contractions started getting much stronger at this point, so I started tracking them again - sure enough they were 5 minutes apart. So I asked Mr. M to call the midwife - he left a message (since it was the weekend) on the answering service. Less than 10 minutes later the midwife called back - and I was happy to find out that it was one of the 4 or 5 midwives I had hoped would be present at my birth. As soon as Mr. M answered the phone I started peeing my pants - of course I didn't pee my pants, but that is really what it felt like. I clamped my legs together like a 5 year old who has to go pee pee and wiggled my way to the bathroom saying - I'm leaking I'm leaking. I heard him on the phone with the midwife say, "I think her water just broke."

All of this was so surreal - how could my water be breaking?? How could these really be contractions?? Was I having my baby today?!? I felt a mixture of emotions; anxious, scared, strong, confident, and excited. I spoke to the midwife briefly and she suggested we come on in and have this baby. So we scrambled around the house a bit making sure all the last minute things made it into the suitcase for the hospital. I had the pillows, Mr. M had the bag and his laptop. We were ready - and we were giddy.

Once in the car the contractions started getting strong - not kill me strong, but strong enough to make me moan and groan a bit. I felt almost out of body - watching us make this trip. I still feel a bit out of body - like I'm watching myself care for this little peanut girl. We got to the hospital and I had a few more contractions trying to walk to the admissions desk in the L&D area. The whole time my pad is filling with more and more amniotic fluid. I thought for sure my pants were wet - but they never did show the signs - I have a nice thick absorbent pad to thank for that.

They put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me to Triage - they call it PETU. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor and contraction monitor for the agreed upon 20 minute strip to make sure my baby girl was ok and to be sure these contractions were real. I undressed and got into hospital garb. I had originally put on my birth plan that I wanted to wear my own clothes - but at that moment - I really didn't want that. The midwife came to check me - and believe it or not I was at 5 cm!! I was so proud of myself for laboring at home and having my water break naturally. I felt that I had already accomplished something at this point. However, since my water had broken the contractions were becoming increasingly unbearable.

12:30
They admitted me immediately since they never send anybody home who's water has broken or people in active labor for that matter - hehe. Second goal accomplished! I'm a first time mom and I went to the hospital only once - and that was to have my baby. Once we got to our room they ran me a bath at my request. I didn't have any IV at this point as that was in my birth plan that I would not have any needles unless absolutely necessary.

I got in the bath and the contractions were UN-believeable. The water helped but I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my body. This was amazing pain - nothing I have EVER felt before. Don't be scared, those of you who are close to giving birth, there is a reason I had this pain. Mr. M was such a godsend. He was by my side with such steadfast love and support that if I ever doubted that I married the right man - this moment changed my life (ok - already crying). I screamed my guts out in the bath tub. I'm a singer remember - so me screaming packs quite a punch. They told me to try and bring the sounds lower as that will help against the contractions. At one point I think I was arrrrrrrging like a pirate.

Then I hit my wall - I asked Mr. M for the epidural. I said our "code word" so he knew I was serious. I was terrified of the epidural but I couldn't visualize myself experiencing this level of pain with contractions for the remainder of the birth.

sorry - have to shower while she's sleeping.... more to come.

She's Here

2007-07-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

We made it out alive - and WOW to I have a birth story for YOU! Give me a day or two to clear the people out of my house before I get around to writing that.

Here's my sweetness:

Lill.ian El.izabeth
7 lbs. 7 oz.
20.5 inches
Born: July 15th at 10:35pm

Due Date Arrives

2007-07-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today is the 'due date' for this child to leave my body. Do I think it's going to happen? Not sure... probably not, but it would be cool. Yesterday I left work early (around 2:45) because lower pelvic back pain had become a bit unbearable sitting in my chair at my desk. If that were the only thing I was feeling I would have toughed it out, but I also had explosive diarrhea that morning and I was feeling contractions during my conference calls.

So I figured what is the point of sitting here in all this pain - I need to go and take care of myself. As I left people eyes got big when they saw me packing up my stuff, wishing me luck, telling me they hoped they didn't see me on Monday. It was a little weird - like they were sending me off to battle.

When I got home I ran a warm bath - put on some music and laid there a bit. Then I tried to nap but the whole world kept calling me (friends, family, Mr. M). I probably slept for a total of 30 un-interrupted minutes. Then I got up and my mom arrived. We walked briskly around the neighborhood for about 45 minutes - me contracting the whole way, while she tried to distract me.

Contractions are a weird thing - for those of you who are early in pregnancy or have never been pregnant. My contractions - they don't feel like how I THOUGHT they would feel, or how the books describe them, or how anybody describes them for that matter. Yes it gets kinda tight, but it feels more like I have a large, heavy ball on my butt - then in the front it feels like the baby pushes out and curls up tighter in a ball. So - I assume they are contractions, I can't say they have a definitive start and end. That's another difficult one when it comes to "timing". I can't really time them right now - because I can't find the start or the end, I just know when I'm having one. They sneak up on you.

I leak a lot - and I could freak out and be a first time mom and say "OH MY GOD MY WATER IS BREAKING", but in reality I think there is just a lot of stuff that comes out of us pregnant women at the end of pregnancy and it's quite difficult to determine what is pee, what is discharge, and what is amniotic fluid. I almost wish they'd send you home with a few litmus testing strips so that when you find yourself wet you can easily take a little check and not feel like a dumbass when its really just that you sweated through your underwear.

I had continuous contractions last night - from about 4:30 till the time I went to bed at 10:30. I had trouble falling asleep because of the pain, but once I relaxed - they did stop and I got a good solid night of sleep. I feel energized this morning and well rested. I already had my breakfast of champions (fruity pebbles!) and am waiting for Mr. M to wake up so we can go for a walk.

I'll keep updating as the weekend goes on - as long as I get times to myself that is. Which is hard since if you see yesterday's post - the whole world is on their way. I'm being swarmed.

Vultures and Zen

2007-07-13T08:54:00.001-07:00

I understand this is an exciting time for all of my family and friends. It’s an exciting time for us as well. We are about to have a major life change – welcome a child into our home, be parents! That’s huge! I get it.

But

That doesn’t mean that it is anyway about YOU. It is SO NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s not about you Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, friends, family. It’s just not. Your comfort or feelings will not be considered during the next weeks – and I’m sorry if that pains you. I hope you can overcome and rise above and do what you need to do to make yourselves feel special. Because really, right now… it’s about me, and then very shortly, it’s not about me at all, it’s about her. It’s about this little girl – who I believe will knock my socks off and I will do anything in my power to protect and love.

The cervical check I experienced this week at my midwife appt (on Wed) was the most painful thing I have felt this far in pregnancy. Well, other than the first three trimesters of wretching over a toilet for 3+ times a day – that still holds the title for most suckage possible.

The last two cervical checks before this one were like kitten kisses in comparison. I was crawling off the table – and Mr.M looked at me worriedly “you’re turning red!” My dear daughter is so incredibly low in my pelvis and my cervix is so incredibly high that the two in combination are painful as hell when fingers are trying to wriggle their way up there.

Of course the midwife stopped immediately and said, “doesn’t matter anyway, why be in pain for a silly check.” I agreed wholeheartedly as it gives me little to no clue when she’s coming anyway. She didn’t act concerned about the high cervix – and no matter how much I tried to pull it out of her if that would affect the length or pain of my labor she said, no big deal. She offered some solace in saying what she could feel was very smooth and that I was probably close to thinned out completely. Maybe that’s why it hurt more than the others? I have no idea.

This morning I experienced the first bout of explosive diarrhea I have been warned about. Its ok with me if that’s the way my body is trying to clean out to get ready for battle. I just hope battle is this weekend and not weeks from now. My due date remains set for tomorrow, no predictions have been made by the midwives. Interestingly enough I was watching a birth show on TV last night and the midwife said “no good midwife or doctor would ever tell a pregnant woman when the baby is coming – they just can’t know.” My midwives must be excellent in that case – because they never make a guess, they just say “could be any day! Or next week! Or today!”

I have achieved a zen like state when it comes to my baby girl’s arrival. I get up, I take a shower, drive to work, work all day, and come home. I walk, I swim, I sometimes lay on the couch! Then I repeat. I make no plans, no promises, and no apologies to anyone right now. I’m not afraid, I’m powerful, I’m strong, and I’m ready.

I’ll Take Hormones For 500 Alex

2007-07-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been stricken with the midnight cravings or the trouble sleeping that most women at this point in pregnancy complain of. I also haven’t had to deal with stretch marks or hormone imbalances… until yesterday.

A dark cloud fell over my well being yesterday. I woke up and was fine, it was hotter than hell but all in all I was ok for being 38w4d. I had the day off due to the Holiday, but Mr. M was working so I’d be flying solo. I called a few friends to chat, one was heading to the cabin, the other working – I really didn’t want to hang out anyway as I was feeling very ‘home body-ish’.

I’m watching the numerous birth TV shows I have on the DVR with my laptop googling pregnancy related things. I come across this website: http://www.theshapeofamother.com/ and started spanning through the various entries.

Now don’t get me wrong here – because I’m walking a fine line – I know it.

I think what they’re trying to do on that website is awesome. Exposing the truth of what happens to women’s bodies after birth/pregnancy is very important. As is embracing what we have and striving for it to be a mark of pride rather than shame. I’m all for this stuff – GO WOMEN RAH RAH! YAY!

As I’m paging through these images I’m thinking to myself that I am extremely lucky to have not encountered a single stretch mark in my journey through pregnancy. I’m also thinking that hey, not only is my stomach not wracked with streaky red lines but it’s also quite lovely. I should take a picture – yes, that is what I shall do!

So I trod up the stairs, lumbering with every painful step to take a shower. Because naturally, one would like to have a clean face and hair if preparing to take awe inspiring, mother earth pictures of her deliciously rotund belly.

I’m walking past our wall of closets to slather on some of my ‘stretch-mark lotion’ and I stop mid slather. I gaze into the mirrors on my closet doors reflecting a woman I don’t even recognize anymore. I get up closer and closer – until what do my eyes spy… a stretch mark. Light in color, for now, but definitely on its way into the classification of ‘angry and red’ any day now. By this time I’m nearly pressing my face into the mirror trying to get the right light angle and turning my belly the right way to see just how bad the damage is.

And this, my dear readers, is where you should learn from me. You should walk away, walk straight away from that mirror, write it off as a smear on the mirror, or bad lighting… WHATEVER.YOU.HAVE.TO.DO… just walk away. I pinched that skin together thinking, well if it’s really a stretch mark, I’ll need to see what it’ll look like when my belly goes back to ‘normal’.

THE HORROR.

I began sobbing immediately. Pinching and pushing my skin from side to side, adjusting the lighting, laying on my side, etc. It wasn’t until I started eyeing the camera I had brought up to take those “earth mother” shots as a possible clarification of just how bad it is that I finally stopped myself and walked downstairs melting into a heaping pile of sobbing pregnant woman.

I was inconsolable for the rest of the day. Let me be clear here, I mean… I really SOBBED for the.rest.of.the.day. Like from 12:00pm to 5:30, only to begin again after dinner from 9:00 until I fell asleep.

My body – she is destroyed. I will never be able to look or feel the same way ever again. I have always been someone of huge self esteem and never had much of a self image problem. When the other girls were bulimic and anorexic in high school and college – I shrugged my shoulders and though I’m hot and so are they, what is their problem?!?

So … could be hormones, could be reality, could be I’m ready to have this baby right fricken now. I’m continuing to grieve the loss of my youth and the loss of what I thought was a pretty decent twenty-seven year old body.

38w4d

2007-07-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

11 days to go till my due date. I've been telling people that I'm ready now, but maybe that isn't the whole truth. I may be as ready as I'll ever be, but visualizing myself in labor is hard for me. As is visualizing myself as a mother: breastfeeding, changing diapers, snuggling, etc.

A few things happen when you're less than 2 weeks away from your due date that I didn't really know would occur. When you call people, you know, just to chat like always - they immediately say, "are you in labor". When you respond in the negative they immediately say, oh ok - we'll talk to you later! I'm going through social withdrawal, nobody talks about anything but babies or labor.
I also find myself peeing a lot - which I thought wouldn't happen to me. When I do go pee it ends up being no more than a teaspoon. I wipe with amazing diligence, inspecting each piece of toilet paper hoping to see a trace of mucus plug.

Google and the Discovery channel have become my close friends and enemies. I can't stop watching birth shows and googling "38 weeks closed cervix". Yup, my cervix is totally closed. I got checked yesterday at my 38 week appointment. I was told this is currently a 7 lb baby and that my cervix is completely shut. However, the saving grace message that I received was that she is at zero station - meaning her head is 'locked and loaded' if you will. I've carried low throughout my pregnancy so I wasn't surprised by this information. I just wish that cervix would start to soften up a bit and get a move on.

So the wait continues. I don't know when it got in my head that I would be lucky enough to have her before my due date, but I was secretly hoping. She's got 10 more days before I get really impatient. I'm still working and plan to till I deliver, I just can't sit at home and twiddle my thumbs. I'll go absolutely crazy waiting if I'm not distracted by spreadsheets and timelines.

If I should go into labor this blog won't get an immediate update. Since no one in my personal life knows about my blogging there really isn't anybody to update with news. When we bring her home I'll post pics and the birth story. As I know how much I have been obsessed with reading birth stories for the past few weeks.

You'll have several more posts from me before she's here though. You'll hear from me after July 14th for sure.... still moaning and groaning.

37 Week Belly Shot

2007-06-25T12:19:00.001-07:00

37 Weeks

2007-06-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

We went to Ba.bies R' Us last night and made the last purchases that we think we'll need for this babies arrival. $200 later I was having a mild panic attack and our car was filled to capacity.

Something about buying the little essential items really got to me. As if it wasn't real until I purchased bottles or breast milk freezer bags. Like this giant belly I have or the BH contractions were not an effective enough sign that a baby arriving in our home might be imminent. I must be slightly deranged.

Our birthing class met for the last time on Tuesday evening. We learned about bathing, diapering, and very little feeding. Speaking of feeding... I keep having these dreams about breast feeding where my boobs are just gushing milk. It's very weird.

I think I've figured out what to do about the 'work from home' thing. I've decided to take my laptop home every night and forward my desk phone to my cell before I leave. That way if I'm not feeling up to it the next day I just make a call to my boss and let her know that I'll be telecommuting that day. My boss is encouraging me to take set days as well - like Monday's and Friday's and play it by ear Tues - Thurs. We're going to discuss it more on Monday, but let's face it I only have 3 weeks left till I was going to be on maternity leave anyway so it's not like I need to really fret about it.

I should have a new picture this evening when Mr. M gets home for the official 37 week shot. We're going to an early screening of the new Michael Moo.re movie - can't wait!

High and Tight - or not

2007-06-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

We had our midwife appointment for the week yesterday morning at the buttcrack of dawn. Or at least it felt that way, these days I'm sleeping like the dead.

I kept telling Mr. M and the midwife - "I'm just feeling really dizzy."

They were trying to get me to explain the dizziness, and really I couldn't say more than ... dizzy... I just feel dizzy.

So I laid down on the table, naked from the waist down. She did the Strep B test and checked my cervix. WHOA - nobody told me the checking of the cervix would hurt like that!?! I felt like she was elbow deep in my vagina and tugging on my small intestines.

She was explaining to me that the baby is extremely low and that she had to reach around her head to find the opening to the cervix. Which to no ones surprise was completely closed. I didn't expect to have any dilation at 36w4d.

Then we listened to the heartbeat - which is always, by far, my favorite part of every visit. I just feel like she's so STRONG and HEALTHY when I hear that swoosh swoosh swoosh.

The midwife then gives me her arm and helps me to a sitting position. She was explaining something else as I got to sitting and then I kept on going... forward... nearly off the table. I flailed my arms a bit, Mr. M jumped up and she grabbed my other arm. I didn't hit the deck, but I was definitely headed for it.

So, I took the rest of the day off from work, visited my friend and her kids, then took a three hour nap in the afternoon.

To my surprise when I returned to work today - everyone was in a panic. Within 10 minutes of my arrival I was told that they thought I should start working from home, at least a few days a week, leave all my passwords and instructions to anything that I"m working on somewhere that is easily accessible, and that I should start training in a temporary replacement on Monday.

Talk about calling in the troops - sheesh.

Part of me is relieved by this, because I was worried that they were not really preparing for me to be gone for the next three months. The other part of me (the micro-manager part) cringes at the idea of someone else doing my work and doing it sloppily. I had sloppy, and I really hate it when people don't follow the patterns and procedures that I have been. The reason I do the things I do at work are because I've already figured out how to mess it up - and found the best way to NOT mess it up.

So I'm working on "letting go" and trying to focus on me and the new addition to our family. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm valuable and they will want me back in 3 months. I had no idea I'd feel this way. I thought I'd be counting down the days to when I didn't have a 9 to 5 job at a desk.

The one good part of yesterday was hearing from the midwife that I most likely won't be late or needing an induction. I'm trying not to get my heart set on that - as I know I'll be disappointed when July 14th comes and goes, but it does feel good.

Bluffing, I knew she was bluffing

2007-06-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

Late in pregnancy ones body has the tendency to play tricks on itself. Maybe it's because I'm in a constant state of awareness, searching for those first signs of labor, maybe I'm really feeling what I'm feeling. It's a toss up at this point.

On Wednesday of this last week I woke up feeling extremely dizzy. Which I attributed to getting out of bed too fast. So I showered and sat down while getting ready to hopefully gain some equilibrium. Then I thought, maybe I just need to eat. So I had some cereal, but still couldn't shake the dizzies. I got to work and started drinking glass after glass of water - as I had read dehydration can sometimes cause dizziness. Still, nothing.

The my midwife's office called to reschedule my next weeks appointment and I asked if they'd transfer me to the nurse line. The nurse was very sweet and suggested I get some protein in my system. She said that if I had a lot of sugar or carbs the previous day and that morning (Thanks Lucky Charms!) that I could be slightly hypo-glycemic (sp?). She told me she'd call back in an hour.

So I ate some unsalted peanuts and had some chipotle (black beans, barbacoa, etc). THEN, my hands started to get tingly and my chest started to hurt. Which freaked me out quite a bit. She called back and I told her the latest. She asked me to come in for a BP check just to make everybody feel better.

I went in for the appointmen, and they couldn't attribute my dizzies to anything really. Other than its been stinkin hot here (90 degrees) and muggy. My BP was 127/70 and I'm notorious for being around 110/70. So I was slightly elevated for my body but definitely nowhere near danger zone as far as averages go.

I just think I can't really tell what my body is doing right now because there are so many little weird things.

Just this week I've experienced the following:

Tons of flip-flops from the baby
Hard belly - but not hard muscles, like hard BABY pushing outwards
Dropping baby - feels like when I relax my stomach/back muscles she drops about 2 inches.
Twinges in my vagina - like little zings of pain. But not super painful, just like shocks.
Swollen feet that feel like the skin is going to explode (only at the end of the day)
Extreme tiredness - only after 3:00
Lower back pain - especially on the pelvic bone
Dizziness/light-headedness
Total and complete loss of appetite
Amazing amounts of discharge - but only when I'm standing. If I'm sitting on the toilet and I wipe - its dry as a bone. The minute I stand up (if naked) its there. I have no idea

Ahhh the joys of pregnancy. Well, I'm off to my shower that my boss is throwing for me with the women I work with. Should be a nice time. Then - I must nap, because really, I need some serious napping and haven't gotten to do so in weeks.

35 weeks

2007-06-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

This was taken on Saturday - 35 weeks to the day.

Who Is This Braxton Hicks You Speak Of

2007-06-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday we had our midwife appointment and we really liked this one. She was so sweet, and wrote me a referral for the physical therapist for my pelvic bone pain that I've been having.

The baby is head down now - or at least she was at the appointment and everything is absolutely perfect. My BP is normal like usual, urine check last time came out fine, heartrate for her is good, weight gain is steady and plateauing a bit. All in all we're good.

At least I thought...

Then Wednesday night I was making dinner and was all of a sudden doubled over in pain. It felt like a muscle was being pulled in my bottom lower left abdomen. Image a if you pulled a hamstring except it was in your stomach. I squirmed on the floor saying, "ouch ouch OUCH OUCHIE OUCH!" until I found a good position and it subsided. Ahhhhh, sweet relief.

Mr. M came in from the grill outside to find me laying on the kitchen floor panting from the release of the 'pulling pain'. As I was about to explain what I was doing on the floor and that no I haven't lost my mind I was just having a muscle pulling sensaaaaaaaaatioooo OUCH! - It came back. Same pain, same intensity, but I was lying in my new found comfort position why did the pain come back?

So I squirmed some more, crawled into the living room and laid down on the carpeted floor until I found my 'good position' again and the pain subsided. He's looking at me with a skeptical eye, I can feel it. "What was THAT?!" he said. My response (NAIVE MUCH) was, "I don't know its this muscle, I think I pulled a stomach muscle somehow."

So I'm explaining to him that I think the pulling is better now and sit on the couch with him. A few minutes pass and then WHAM! another "pull". He says, "we're going to the hospital right now!"

"No, no no... it's not... it's ... just... a muscle.pull. aaaaaaarrrrrghhhhh!"

I'm squirming and moaning on the floor. Assuring him this is NOT what a contraction feels like, even though I have no idea what a contraction feels like as I've never been pregnant before. I beg him to just call the midwife instead as I would feel like a HUGE dumbass if I went in and it was a pulled muscle.

He hands me the phone because he hates the idea and wants to just head into the hospital instead. I leave a message with the answering dude explaining in detail that I am NOT in labor and that these are not even contractions - just muscles pulling. Ummm, sure... whatever crazy pregnant lady.

The midwife, bless her heart, calls me back within a few minutes. I'm explaining to her that it's just a stomach muscle that is being pinched or pulled or something. She asks me if there is a pattern and I assure there is no pattern. Until Mr. M pipes in from the background, "YES THERE IS - 5 MINUTES APART!" I'm like, WHA? You were timing them?

He said he had been timing them since he found me on the kitchen floor in the first place. Isn't he brilliant? She says to start a bath and drink about 2 glasses of water, if I have 2 more I need to go to the hospital. Also, that she wouldn't stop the labor if I were to progress at this point seeing as I'm 34 weeks.

WHOA WHOA WHOA!

First of all, I'm not in laboooooooor OUCH! It's back! I hand the phone to Mr. M and he talks to her till it subsides and the phone comes back to me. She says this is just too bizarre to not be contractions. Take a bath immediately and call her back if/when we're heading to the hospital.

Pshaw right! I am not in labor, these are NOT contractions, all of these people are crazy.

I get in the tub. Have 1 more "muscle pull", then a smaller one... then nothing.

They stopped.

I got out and felt fine. She called back anyway and explained in very slow and direct language that those were indeed contractions. Next time if they last an hour, go to the hospital.

OK, so maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm not. It's just that it didn't FEEL like how everyone else describes it. There was not "hard all over" belly, no "squeezing" feeling, no "pressure", just a centralized muscle that was pulling in only the bottom left part of my belly. If that is a contraction then WHOA, I'm totally unprepared.

34 Weeks On The Dot

2007-06-02T08:08:00.001-07:00

Next time someone asks me to make their wedding cake for them and I'm 6 weeks shy of my due date please remind me to tell them to F*CK *FF!

I am glutton for punishment it seems. It's just that I felt that I couldn't say 'no' because I had made everyone ELSES wedding cakes and it wouldn't be fair for me to say "nope, not for you." However, I think they have some balls asking me when I'm this pregnant in the first place.

Enough about that... well maybe not.

So we're taking a 3 hour trek down to Iowa to go to this wedding with cakes in tow. I fully expect to be totally miserable - especially with the pubic bone pain I've been feeling lately. Mr. M is adament that we stop every 45 minutes to take a walk and stretch. He's worried about me, but also feels like we should be there. I know we should be there too - it's just the pain and suffering that I have to endure to make that happen that I'm not looking forward to. Well that and the fact that there won't be a decent hospital within about 30 miles of us. That's a bit unnerving, I must say.

So, how have I been feeling? Increasingly more uncomfortable. I used to wonder what they heck those ladies meant when they said they were 'uncomfortable' in their third trimester. I totally get it now. It's more of an all-over angsty kinda pain feeling. Walking hurts, sitting hurts, laying down feels ok as long as I don't try to do something drastic like roll over - YOWCH. My feet are sore at the end of the day but I got a pedicure last weekend and it was heavenly. I also went for my second pregnant brazilian and it didn't hurt NEARLY as bad. What they say is true, if you keep up the waxing the pain is nothing after the first time out. I'll probably do one more before I'm due - it's so much easier to deal with NO SHAVING.

We've gone to 2 classes in our 'Preparing for Childbirth' course we're taking. Everyone is so dead pan I'm starting to wonder what tranquilizers they are on because I have to get me some of those. Mr. M and I are constantly joking and writing notes to each other. He tries to find any possible time to bring up poop - and I am always yelling out right after the 'videos' "I WANT OUT!" Nobody gets that I'm joking or that maybe a little humor might ease their anxiety.

I'm confident I can do this whole birthing thing. I know my options, I know it will be painful, but the reward at the end is like the best thing I could ever dream and it's only a mere 24 hours or less in your WHOLE LIFE that you will feel this way. At least that's my rationalization right now, don't quote me when I'm 4 cm dilated and screaming for that epidural.

About the whole mothering thing. I don't know if I'm the first to feel this way - but I'm a little concerned about the breastfeeding thing. Not in the sense that I may not be able to do it (which is quite possible with a past breast reduction), but more so because I can't imagine it feeling "natural" to have a child sucking on my breast. For so long my breasts have been sexual in nature - to switch from that to being life giving is a bit weird for me. Mr. M thinks this is a very normal feeling for first time moms but that it will immediately disappear when it's MY child and MY child is hungry and needing me. I suppose he's right - I'm going to do a bit more thinking on it.

6 weeks left officially today. We're not really "ready" in the sense that we don't have a car seat yet, or bedding in the crib. The nursery is complete - and it's adorable. We haven't packed "THE BAG" for the hospital but Mr. M says he wants that to be his job - he's excited about doing that. Usually that means he's got something up his sleeve, can't wait to find out what it is. We see the midwife on Tuesday and then two weeks later again. After that we're on weekly appointments - I can't believe it.

Everybody cross your fingers that I don't go into labor in the middle of nowhere Iowa this weekend.

Long Time No Post

2007-05-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Very pregnant. Very uncomfortable.

Here I am at 33w5d and my vagina bone feels like it's shooting straight out of my body. I asked the midwife about this and she said it's something she has had to put people on bedrest for in the past. I definitely don't want that, and really I don't think it'll get that bad. The pain is pretty bad though by the end of the day. It feels as if my pubic bone is grinding together when I walk or move. Which, technically it is according to the midwife.

7 weeks to go.

More later - like this weekend. Husband is a bit too close to the computer right now.

Ouch

2007-05-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

Everything hurts. My pelvic bone has decided to be a literal pain in my ass. I suppose I could go to the chiropractor but I don't know if I believe in the hype. Chiro has always seemed like a "if you believe it, it will work" kinda thing to me. Yes, I've been before - after a car accident a few times and once when my neck seized on me so badly I couldn't move. Both times I got better, but I can't say it had anything to do with a chiropractor - could have just been that time passed.

Other new symptoms all fall in to the pain category. My feet get a bit painful at the end of each day but I haven't had any severe swelling yet. I have taken off my engagement ring - but still have my wedding band as its a bit looser.

The size of my breasts is getting entirely out of hand. I've tried new bigger bras with heavy duty straps. I've even tried nursing bras - we're now into size 36E and still I'm in pain. I'm nearly through an entire bottle of baby powder that I've been putting between and under my breasts everyday after my shower. It's a scary and sad state of affairs is all I have to say and I really don't know what else to do other than wait it out. I realize that breast feeding will only make them larger and more painful, so maybe I won't get my old breasts back ever, maybe it's years away, I have no idea.

Now that I'm 31 weeks we've started the every 2 week midwife appointments, which means d-day is approaching fast. I've got 9 more weeks till my due date - but technically could go in as few as 7 weeks. I fully expect to be late - first baby and all.

My friends are throwing me a shower next weekend - which I'm really looking forward to. I hope the weather holds out as we're having it at my friends lake house. I'm trying my best to hold off buying any baby stuff till after the shower - but its becoming difficult.

I want her to be here right now - but at the same time I'm trying to enjoy my quiet alone moments. Mr. M and I are also trying to spend a lot of quality time together, knowing that after she gets here our moments as a two-some will be few and far between.

28w5d

2007-04-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling huge.

24 lb weight gain overall as of this morning. I sure hope it slows down because it's getting ridiculous.

I also passed my Gestational Diabetes Test with flying colors. WOOOT!

Latest Baking Adventure

2007-04-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

Oreos Anyone?

2007-04-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

I had my gestational diabetes screen last week Monday. I ate a 1/2 a bagel with cream cheese before going in. The form clearly states you should eat normally - so I did.

Then they called me 2 days later saying my scores were 'elevated' and that I needed to take the 3 hour test from hell! My score was 149 - they ask anybody over 140 to do the big test. So naturally needle-phobic me freaked the hell out. That's 4!!! needles in 3 hours people and 4 viles of blood. Do the math - I only have 2 arms... that means each arm will get stuck twice in 3 hours! I felt like I was approaching my death as Friday came along.

I slathered both arms with the lidocaine cream that my midwife prescribed for me. I fasted for 12 hours prior to the test - and was starving and thirsty. The first needle was fine, the syrupy drink was awful, but not nearly what people make it out to be. It's just overly sweet koolaid really.

The second needle wasn't bad either - since it was technically the first prick on both arms for the first hour. The waiting was really the most awful. Just sitting and waiting for 3! hours while I should have been at work. I brought my laptop and they did have wireless in the lab so I was able to at least stay connected at work and keep up with emails. I really didn't want to waste PTO on sitting in a waiting room.

The 3rd needle was slightly more painful in that they went into a freshly pricked arm. I tried to get the lidocaine on there as thick as possible but, it really didn't work. The 4th was by far the worst, but at least it was over then.

They weren't suppose to tell me my scores but they discretely showed me the paper for my 1st and 4th draw. My fasting score was at 79 and my 4th draw after 3 hours was 113. I looked online and found that the limit for fasting is around 90 and the limit for the 3 hour is about 140. If those numbers hold true then I think I passed with flying colors.

In which case - pass the oreos.

Our birthing class starts Monday - I'm sure I'll have all kinds of interesting stories to blog about after that. Whenever I get in a class setting I turn into uber-competitive teacher's pet girl. I'm sure this won't be any different.

Pregnant Brazilian

2007-04-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

Being that my belly has become so incredibly large that I can no longer see my vagina let alone know what the state of my bikini line is, I decided it was time to get a bikini wax. I have done this once before as a sort of "treat" for Mr. M right before the wedding. It was painful, but I think that's to be expected, but the hair came back in much softer and finer afterwards.

Since I'm nearly 7 months pregnant I wanted to make sure I found a place that was comfortable waxing someone in my condition so I went for an eyebrow wax last weekend at a spa near by. I liked the aesthetician enough and asked her if she would mind doing a bikini wax on me. She said, "a regular bikini wax, or a brazilian." I told her I was interested in a brazilian.

Now let me explain. I feel like I'm the hairiest woman alive lately. Some of that is due to hair growing faster from pregnancy hormones and some of it is due to the fact that I can't properly see the area I'm attempting to groom. I already feel quite unattractive with the double chin that I've accumulated in the past few months and the general largeness of everything else isn't helping either. So I figure, why not feel "pretty" SOMEwhere, even if its the somewhere only my husband and I will see (and the midwives of course).

She asks me to try a few leg positions to see if I can get my body to do what I need it to in order to get in the little nooks and crannies that a brazilian requires. After wooing her with my amazing flexibility (hip ligaments? What hip ligaments?) she agrees we could give a try and see how far we can get. So I make an appointment for the following Saturday.

All week long I am worrying about how painful the wax is going to be and wondering how will they REALLY be able to get the hair off of those oh so sensitive parts. My basic thinking is that if I can't take a bikini wax there is NO WAY I can make it through a natural labor So during the actual event I was practicing putting my mind elsewhere and breathing through the painful parts. I did pretty well actually although the hair was stubborn as HELL.

I think I'll do it once more in about a month and a half putting me at about 8 1/2 months pregnant. I'm thinkin it might make the healing process a little easier if I've got less hair to deal with down there. Especially if I end up with stitches or a tear.

Call me crazy - thats what my friends did, but what do I care, I gotta smoooooth hooha.

Midwife appointment tomorrow morning - along with a gestational diabetes screen. Wish me luck on that one.

Nesting Anyone?

2007-04-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I would fall prey to the usual "nesting instinct" that I hear most pregnant woman experience. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm like a home improvement FIEND! Here's what we've currently got going on in our home:

New hardwood floors in entryway and Mr. M's office
New carpet in living room and dining room
Prime and paint baby's room
New furniture (couch, chair, desk, file cabinet, dresser for baby girl)
Ripping up carpet in current office and found hardwood floors!!! Therefore, refinishing hardwood floors in office.

So what this means is I have more cardboard in my home than I care to admit. I've thought about tricking the little kids down the block into thinking it was great fort making materials but haven't had the guts to approach them. They'd probably wonder whats with the crazy pregnant lady with the piles of cardboard.

I also can't help with any of these renovations since I can't be around paint, sanding, staining, or polyurethane. Which is insanely frustrating when I'm the one with the nesting urge. I just want it to be clean when baby girl arrives. I also would like to be proud of my home when we have family/friends pouring in the weeks after baby girl is born.

I'm also feeling exceedingly put off at work. Staying home when baby arrives is looking more and more appealing. Especially since I have NO IDEA where to start with searching for childcare. I'm totally at a loss on the daycare front. I'm touring a daycare center close to my work next week. I don't think its possible for them to show me anything that would make me want to leave my baby at a daycare center, but we'll see. Trying to keep an open mind.

The Boring Part of Pregnancy

2007-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'm now in that gray middle area of pregnancy and it seems to be inching by at a snails pace. I'm 26 weeks pregnant today. Here's the current update:

Belly is exceedingly noticeable and I can no longer pass for maybe not pregnant just fat.
All maternity clothes, all the time - remind me again why I was excited about wearing them.
Starting to get difficult to move, bend over, stand up, roll over, etc.
Vaginal Discharge has reached an all time high - and frankly I'm disgusted
I officially can't see my vagina - and therefore can't shave my bikini area, which I'm sure makes me even MORE attractive*
Mucus membranes are are hyper drive. I wake up with my nose clogged and it ain't pretty when I blow.
I believe I have gotten myself a cavity which I blame entirely on the first trimester throwing up everyday. That much stomach acid can't be good for your teeth. Dentist appt May 15th - but they told me it could just be gum sensitivity which is common during pregnancy.
Stretch marks are still being held at bay - I have none.... yet. I've been slathering the senseless lotion on everyday in hopes that by sheer will they will not surface.
Weird dry patches on my boobs - where my skin flakes off. It could be from the baby powder I'm applying liberally everyday under my boobs and in my cleavage to hopefully prevent any sort of rash. Warm + Dark + Moist = yeast infection. And yes, you can get them ANYWHERE. I haven't gotten one yet, but the midwife said to be on the lookout.
Sudden swelling of feet occurred at work the other day. Holy HELL was that painful. I went to the mall at lunch at bought a new pair of shoes it was so bad.

I have my Gestational Diabetes screen next Monday which I hope I pass because I REALLY do not want to deal with diets and more needles. My midwife, the genius that she is, prescribed me a medication for topical numbing which should hopefully help with my needle phobia. She told me to put it on both arms before the screen then I can just sit back and close my eyes when they do the blood draw. MAGIC!

Birthing class starts April 23rd - and I'm looking forward to it. However, I realize I'm a bit more educated than others who will be taking the class and we may be spending quite a bit of time learning about things I've already covered in my constant research and reading.

Major home improvement has been taking place here and will continue until Junelips is born. We're getting new floors, new carpets, new furniture, and painting the baby's room. Where does the money come from you ask? Mr. M got a substantial bonus, we got a substantial tax return, and I got a surprise Spot Bonus from work. Totaling about $11,000 - which I believe at the end of all this we will have spent completely.

I finally broke down and bought baby girls coming home outfit. Its the only item of clothing I plan to buy - its absolutely adorable and makes my uterus contract just looking at it. hehe

24 Weeks

2007-03-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

We're approaching 24 weeks tomorrow and we had our first midwife appointment today. What can I say about the midwife experience?? Let's put it this way - the minute we walked out Mr. M looked at me and we both sighed and our shoulders dropped.

I knew something didn't feel right with the OB/Nurse Practitioner combo that we had been experiencing. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was that I was missing or not getting. I knew that I felt that my appointments were abrupt and that I didn't feel a connection, but I wasn't sure if my expectations were too high.

I can't say enough good things about our experience today. Our midwife talked to me like a PERSON, a person who's about to have one of the most important things in my life happen to me. She didn't just scoff when I told her about the anxiety and the needle phobia. Immediately she asked questions about it like, "What makes you nervous, is it the pain or the idea of it?" Not ONE Dr. or lab tech has ever asked me that question. Not ONE person has ever validated my feelings on that subject and I am so relieved to know that it does exist and that I have access to it.

She taught Mr. M how to feel for the top of my uterus - and showed him how she measures with the tape measure. She told me straight up all the stats of their midwifery group. She told me that if I didn't want an IV, wanted to eat/drink, wanted to move around, wanted dim lights or music - that it was all just fine with them. She encouraged me to think about what would be the most calming things to have happen while I'm in labor.

I'm just so thankful that this is available to me and that it's covered by my insurance. I feel like I can trust these people with the care of me and my baby - I feel like they won't compartmentalize me and they'll let me experience the birth as my body wants to. How great is that?!?

I've gained 16 lbs so far - which is right on track for where I'm at. My lower back just started to hurt today - which is uncomfortable but will hopefully subside. I have no stretch marks that I can see yet - cross your fingers! Mr. M still hasn't been able to really feel her but I'm hoping that will happen in the next few weeks. I have my Gestational Diabetes screen at my next appointment which I HOPE is negative because the fewer needles that come in contact with me the better.

The nursery still only has the crib in it and we need to prime and paint this weekend so the muralist can come in and do her thing. My shower is in May (long ways off) so I don't expect to be filling up any drawers or closets any time soon. I'm exited, scared, nervous, anxious, everything all at once. Lucky me though - we're going on vacation for an entire week in Ft. Lauderdale so I can pass the time relaxing on the beach with a good novel.

Pregnancy Babble

2007-03-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

The big 155 appeared on the scale this morning. I haven’t seen that number since last May when we went on our “weight loss challenge”. For those of you playing along at home that means I’ve put on 15 lbs and I’m 22w3d pregnant. Yea I know I’m on target and yea I know it’s part of the deal but it’s still a harsh reality.

You can convince yourself that it’s for the health of the baby and you’re doing everything right and that the number doesn’t matter lalalalala. Phooey. We’re women, we’re affected by such things – it’s our nature. Bottom line is – I’m going to be seeing numbers I’ve never seen before when I get on that scale and it’s going to take quite a bit of self affirmation to convince myself it’s a non-issue.

I’m slathering on anti-stretch mark lotion like it’s going out of style – even though realistically I know this does nothing to help/hurt my chances of stretch marks. I know people swear up and down by the creams, oils, lotions, and potions but do you have any way of proving that you WOULD have gotten them had you NOT slathered? Not likely. Either way I’ll continue slathering and hope that my mother’s good genes will pass on to me.

I’m rather ‘over’ this whole pregnancy thing at this point. Time is not going fast enough – but at the same time it’s flying by. I’m over the half way point but still feel like the mountain is high and I’ve merely made it over the first foothill. I did the pukey, miserable, 1st trimester thing and then I did the superwoman 2nd trimester thing. Now here I sit teetering at the 5 – 6 month range and feeling like I’d just like to GET THERE ALREADY.

I see my midwife for the first time next Friday which is actually 5 weeks from my last appointment. That could have something to do with my feeling that things are lagging. I find that when I’m about 3 weeks out from my last appointment I start getting restless. I want to hear that heartbeat again just for comfort. She’s kicking and moving – but Mr. M hasn’t really felt her and that bums me out. I want him to feel connected too.

We start our birthing classes towards the end of April. I’m just hoping I’m not feeling like it’s all redundant with all the research I’ve already done. It would really bum me out if we talked about the elementary stuff the whole time: “This is your vagina, this is how big it will get, the end”. I’m more interested in different birthing positions, counter-pressure massage to use during labor, and what do contractions REALLY feel like.

When we went on the hospital tour – yes we went already (2 months ago) – no I’m not ashamed of my over-achieving nature. I was appalled to hear one of the women (who looked to be about 8.5 months pregnant) ask what meconium was. WTF?! You haven’t read about that yet? Are you in denial? Did you know you’re pregnant?

I know I know – most women aren’t like me and prefer to avoid all that stuff. My best friend is a prime example. She feels if she doesn’t know about it – she can’t fear it – and then she’s all happy happy. That would literally drive me insane and I’d pass right out from sheer panic when I found myself in a situation that I wasn’t completely knowledgeable about what was going on. But to each her own.

Cliche

2007-03-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Lilly-Bug,
I can't wait to be your mommy.

Love, Mama

Doubting My Resolve

2007-03-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

In my un-ending search for knowledge during this pregnancy I've done a complete 180 regarding my feelings about the actual birth and the kind of care that I want to receive. I mentioned that I've been reading "Creating Your Birth Plan" and in doing so have had several moments of clarity.

I realize I'm the girl who nearly died getting my wisdom teeth removed because I had a massive anxiety attack while they were putting me under. Causing my blood to not get enough oxygen and creating a lethal mix of anesthetic in my system. I know that I fear pain and needles. I realize that at the beginning of this pregnancy I vehemently stated that I would rather be knocked out completely than go through a live birth.

Drugs have always effected my body greatly. If I take 1/2 a vicoden for something I sleep for hours and am drugged beyond belief. Once I was given Trazadone which is supposedly a mild drug to help you sleep (with the added benefit of being an anti-depressant) and I slept for 12 hours straight and didn't move like I was in a coma. I'm aware of what my body does I'm also aware of my history with anxiety and pain.

I've had a change of heart. That's actually putting it mildly - I've had a change of mind, body, and soul.

I called my OB's office yesterday and cancelled all of my future appointments with her and her nurse practitioner. I then called the midwifery group at the hospital close to my home and made an appointment with a woman who has the most norwegian sounding name I've ever encountered in the US. I've officially decided that my pregnancy and birth would be best guided in the loving hands of a midwife.

I feel in my gut that it's the right thing for me. I also feel in my gut that I can do this birth thing. I can do it because I'm mentally in a place to be able to do it. I've read thousands of birth stories ranging from c-sections to natural home water births. The overall message I get from the natural births is that they didn't fight their bodies. They allowed nature to do what it does - make babies. Was it painful? Hell yes! Did they live? Hell yes! Is it worth it? Hell freakin yes!

I can't put into words the shift that my mind has taken on this issue. Its all encompassing and very overwhelming and hard for my family and friends to understand I'm sure. Last night we had dinner at my dad's house and my sister was there. They balked when I told them I was going to attempt a drug free labor. They also disapproved of my wanting to have no episiotomy, no instrumental extraction, and no induction. They went on and on with the usual retorts that I should trust the doctors as they have the knowledge and they known whats right.

I just can't subscribe to that anymore. I don't buy into the idea that just because somebody is in a white coat means they are doing whats best for me. Not me as in late 20's female, history of anxiety, first baby, healthy, etc. But me as in strong, extrovert, smart, capable, and mother. They don't know me so how can they possibly know what's right? On paper, any doctor would medicate the hell out of me at first glance. They would also create the best situation for c-section to occur at any moment. They would most likely compartmentalize me into the category of "problem child" and to be honest - I just don't think that gives me enough credit for the whole woman that I really am.

Mr. M jumped on the bandwagon a bit with my family when they started throwing their doubts at me. He said that he fears that I will look to him to fight battles with the Dr's while I'm in labor. Which is right, I will be doing that, he is my support person. He should be as involved and as on board with the birth plan that we have as I am. He should fight tooth and nail for me to not have an episiotomy. He should question their reasoning when they want to start Pitocin. He should throw a big red flag when they reach for those forceps.

I tried explaining to him that it's not that we are fighting with them - we are merely reminding them of our wishes. We are reminding them that we'd like them to exhaust all other options before doing the things that we don't agree with. I realize it's easier for a Dr. to take those scissors and snip than to massage the perineum with mineral oil. I get that. I understand that they'd like to get home to their families and starting Pitocin will allow them to possibly not miss Grey's Anatomy this week. But it's not what is right for me and it's not what is right for my baby.

I of course reserve the right to make an informed decision at any time. If they say to me - we can start Pitocin or you can keep going. Then I can weigh my options and if I decide to go against my birth plan than so be it. The difference is that it is MY informed decision - not a Dr. or nurse or anyone else pushing me to do what works best for them.

In my job I do things all the time that I'd rather not do. I renumber 30 page questionnaires and spend tedious hours reviewing tables and checking numbers. I do these things because they are whats best for the project and what's best for my client. I'm not thinking about my inconvenience - it's my job. I expect the same out of the medical staff.

Research: It Does The Body Good

2007-02-28T16:15:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling amazing - I mean really amazing. The whole thing about the 2nd trimester making you feel like you're "SuperWoman", totally true. The glowing skin??? Not so much. I have gotten more pimples in the last few weeks than I did as a teen. Especially on my back and on my neck - which WTF?? My Neck?!

I'm on my 8 millionth pregnancy book and my nightstand is beginning to look like a libraries drop box after a holiday weekend.

Here's the books I've read so far and my brief reviews:

The Girlfriend's Guide To Pregnancy: Loved this book! LOVED it. I laughed my everylovin ass off and that was during the first trimester when nothing could make me feel like laughing. More importantly it gave me something important. It gave me the right to have whatever kind of pregnancy I wanted to have. It talks a bit about doing what makes you feel good - not following every single rule and guideline. You'll drive yourself crazy if you do that.
What To Expect When You're Expecting: Of course this book is an ongoing read since its broken out by month. I'm not so much a fan of all the rules and regulations, I don't really like the uber-medical nature of the book and the question answer series at the end of each chapter is not always helpful. I guess it was a good book to get my hands on right away before I saw my OB to get my immediate questions answered - but too much guilt and shame for my tastes.
The Pregnancy Journal: This is a very sweet little book that my friend loaned me. The nicest thing about it is that she wrote in it all through her pregnancy so I get to read her little notes and her thoughts all the way through. I recommend if you have a circle of close girlfriends and everybody is popping out babies to share a journal like this. It helps to read those things and think "Hey - I'm feeling that too!" It makes me feel very close to her and our bond is growing stronger through the experience. The actual book is not just a journal though - its day by day descriptions of what is happening to you and your baby growth wise. I liked this part - except that I'm an impatient child and skip ahead all the time.
From First Kicks To First Steps: I really liked this book because it didn't assume too much about the reader. It's voice is scientific and uses language that spoke to me being a college educated working woman. The reason for this I believe is that most books are afraid to get too technical because they're trying to appeal to the masses. I want to know things like how the baby breaths amniotic fluid and if they respond to light - why? I also liked the sections that talked about research done regarding child development. What can I say - I'm a researcher by trade it's part of who I am.
Creating Your Own Birth Plan: I just got this book last night but was already to Chapter 4 when I finally decided to buy the dang thing and leave the book store after an hour! The trouble with me is I'm incredibly subjective - when I read a book that promotes OBGYN's and hospitals - I'm all about going to the hospital for delivery. When I read a book like this one that promotes midwives and birthing centers - I turn into a crunchy granola empowered Earth Momma. Either way I like the realistic picture it paints for all scenarios. If you go to the hospital they may not honor your wishes for: no episiotomies, minimal vaginal exams, no fetal heart moniters, and no IV's. However, if you go with a midwife they too may not honor other things. I'm working on finding what makes me feel most comfortable but something about being able to move around, be on hands and knees, squat, stand, lean, etc makes a lot of sense to me.
Breast Feeding After Breast Reduction Surgery - Defining Your Own Success: I'm in the final chapters of this book and it has totally and completely blown me away. I feel empowered, I feel in control of my body, and I feel like breastfeeding can be what I make of it. If I can only get colostrum out - then so be it. If I can't keep my daughter completly nourished with breastmilk alone - I'm ok with that. Regardless I'm going to pursue this goal like nothing I have ever put my mind to before. I'm not much on effort - I've always relied on my smarts - not this time. This time I'm all about diggin in and putting as much effort in as I can muster. I'm confident in my body's ability to figure this out.
Baby Proofing Your Marriage: I have to say I couldn't get past the first few chapters of this one. It depressed the hell out of me. Maybe its better for when you've already got a problem with your marriage with the recent addition of children so you read it and feel like people must understand you and you're not the only one. I on the other hand - am a newlywed. At this juncture I can not imagine hating my husband and I can not imagine him hating me. We love each other - we respect each other and I fully reserve the right to eat my hat next October if I need to. For right now though - I just couldn't read the hateful words of what they say I may feel towards him after my daughter comes into this world. I'm not saying this book has nothing to offer - because clearly it must since it's received such acclaim. For me - it's just not what I need right now, its been put into my drawer for later if I need it.
The Expectant Father: Mr. M is reading this book and he says it goes chronologically along with my pregnancy month by month. He seems to like that its logical and gives the science behind whats happening to me during this gestational time. I have to laugh because when I was 14 weeks pregnant and feeling bummed that I couldn't feel her he quipped, "The book says you shouldn't feel her till 16 - 18 weeks!" Many times he's quoted the book and I think he likes having that knowledge. I can't imagine what it is like not carrying your own child, being the partner who doesn't know who the hell replaced his lovely wife with this oversized complaining whiner.

Like I said - I'm a researcher and I love to read everything I can get my hands on when it comes to pregnancy and birth. I read birth stories addictively and watch Youtube births on the weekends. I'm not totally proud of all of this - I realize its a bit neurotic but I can't stop! I don't have the fear I did when I first got pregnant about birth. I attribute that to all the reading I've done. I feel like I can do it - like I'm capable and powerful and I AM WOMAN RAAAWWWWRRR. hehehe. Hormones.

I'll Take It In 4 Colors

2007-02-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have finally completed my baby registry. It has taken me weeks of research to figure out what I wanted and what is a total gimmick. I also went one step further and brought my mom and best friend with me (mother of 2) to steer me away from the "oooooh isn't that cute" moments that happen to everyone I'm sure.

I decided to register at one of the big baby stores since they had the largest selection and people could find it all over the country - since our family and friends are very spread out.

Overwhelmed anyone??

Holy crap people - there are 30 different kinds of baby monitors!! Radio frequency, multi-channel, video capable, multi-receiver units, digital, etc etc. Each section had this same level of selection. I felt like converting to Buddhism once I left.

I managed to get the essentials:

pack n' play
bouncer seat
high chair
co-sleeper
carseat w/ extra base
breast pump
sheets
lotions/creams/soaps
baby bathtub
1 set of bottles

You'll notice that I have no crib or nursery furniture. I'm aware of this. I also don't have a diaper bag. Is it wrong that I want real wood?? Made by real people?? I liked the look of some of the nursery sets but mostly I felt that it would fall apart on me after some wear and tear. The display models had wobbly drawers and seams that were pulling apart, chips, nicks, and digs all over the stuff. Maybe this will happen in my home from my own kids being hard on it. I just want a real wood crib - and real wood furniture.

The diaper bag hunt continues. I need something that will double as my purse without looking like I'm carrying a diaper bag. I need it to look okay when I trudge it to the office or on business trips.

I'm also continuing my search for daycare options. I think I want a part time nanny for 3 days a week. I don't know what the pay range would be or if they even do part time. I also wouldn't be opposed to an in home daycare as long as there were under 10 kids there and it was close to our house. There again - I don't know how they feel about part time kids.

For those of you who have asked - yes I feel good. I feel really good. I haven't thrown up since 14 weeks and I'm 19 weeks today so I'm almost feeling back to normal. I'm back on prenatal vitamins - which I feel good about.

My belly feels tight and big especially at night, we found out that I have an anterior placenta which means I won't feel her move till probably after 20 weeks. I have a disconcerting amount of discharge and have taken to wearing a lightdays pad everyday which is always attractive I'm sure. I managed to express a bit of colostrum the other day which is an excellent sign for me since I am going to be a BFAR mommy (Breast Feeding After Reduction). At least I know the ducts are there and already doing what they should be.

Adventures in Ultrasound!

2007-02-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was wriggling my legs in the waiting room for the radiology department hoping that I could keep the 24 ounces of water IN my bladder for the entire procedure. I don't even think it would have been that bad if I wasn't so nervous. I got incredibly nervous at the last minute and I'm not really sure why exactly. Maybe excited is the better word - but I did have some anxiety.

We walked back into a darkened room and I got slathered with warm goop (thank you sonogram lady for warming the goop). Mr. M took pictures of me on the table and pictures of us in the waiting room and more and more pictures. He's a proud daddy, what can I say.

The first thing she asked us is do we want to know the gender??

She was answered with a resounding YES! from us.

She asked if we had picked out names. We have - and we told her what they were: Jonathan and Sarah (fake names - I'm not givin it up that easily).

She started moving around and said, "looks like you've got yourself a little Jonathan here."

I looked at Mr. M and he was shocked and I was shocked. Immediately I tried to absorb the information. Jonathan.... hello Jonathan... we love you Jonathan. A few seconds passed and she said, "ummmmm Jonathan lost his penis."

WHAT!!!! I was already going to T-ball games in my brain, she can't do this to me!!

Sure enough - Jonathan's "pen*s" turned out to be Sarah's girl-parts sans the umbilical cord that fooled her.

So - there you have it. We are having a beautiful girl. A girl with a very round head, chubby cheekies, and the acrobatic skills of a cirque du solei artist. She moved all over the place, doing tumbles and stretches. We have several nice shots of her. My favorite of which is when she stretched out her legs so far we could see every little bone.

I cried when I saw her heart. Beating so strong and so solid. She is at a 155 BPM and very active. We love her - we love her already and I was worried that I wouldn't know how to feel that.

I look at her little profile shot at my desk - black and white squiggles to most people. To me - my lovely girl. I shall love her with every inch of my being.

All Aboard

2007-02-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

Of the three kids in my family I'm the first to get married and the first to have a child. We're all in our twenties. Younger sis is 24 and has a live in boyfriend and older bro is 29 with a long distance girlfriend that he hopes will move to his city in June.

When I announced our engagement I expected a different reaction from my brother and sister. I'd say we're closer than most adult siblings - we talk weekly via email or phone. I thought they'd be as excited as I was and jump and squeal. Not the case, it was more like - "oh thats great - good for you." They were both in my wedding and they both didn't help much with preparations.

My sister didn't even know she was supposed to throw the shower and bachelorette party until my two best girls took her aside and discretely mentioned that she might want to get to it. She was my maid of honor - but couldn't be bothered with most tasks associated with that and my girlfriends took over the reins so that it would all go seamlessly.

I don't know why I thought it would be different with the pregnancy news. I guess I thought that me having a child might effect them more than me getting married. I thought that they would think it was exciting and special that they were going to be an uncle and an aunt. I want them to be present in my childs life - I want them to be strong role models and take an interest in my childs wellbeing.

For me - this pregnancy is an all consuming element to my life. For them - its a minor thing as if I cut my hair or got a new job. They are un-effected with my news and my pregnancy.

I'm having a hard time dealing with their non-interest. I asked my sister if she'd come over and help me move some things around in my house so I could get the nursery ready for new furniture and painting. Her first response is, "Is this BABY stuff??" - and no it didn't sound excited. Her next response was, "You want me to come over and clean your house!?!?"

I'm having little to no help from them - even my dad has been a bit distant. Mom (believe it or not) has been the only constant support I've gotten. She's coming up next weekend to help me clear things out and get this nursery ready for painting.

I just wish they'd get on board already. Maybe its just the curse of going first.

17 Weeks

2007-02-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

Not bad eh?? Ultrasound is this Monday and we're so excited we can barely stand it. I'll be updating this weekend again.

Our Father's Daughters

2007-02-01T11:26:00.001-08:00

My dear friend had her scheduled C-section on Monday morning by noon I got the call that she and baby were happy, healthy and considerably calm. She said it was the best day ever - but lets remember she was drugged. hehe.

Throughout my life I have had a hard time explaining the relationship that I have with my dad with other people. Emy is the only one who has ever understood it because she herself has the exact same situation. Her father is her rock, her constant cheering section, her ever present source of love and support. She is the only one I've ever known to share the same bond with her father that I do with mine.

Last night I was visiting her at the hospital for the second time this week. I made sure that this time it would be low key and I wouldn't be fighting for baby time or for her time. Her mom and dad were going to be coming a bit after me, which was cool with me because I hadn't really seen them in a long time. We were always close - they always treated me as one of their own and loved me as such.

I brought dinner for Em and her husband as I knew they were dying with all the hospital food. I snuggled that baby and kissed his smooth baby cheeks, and I sang songs with her older boy (1 1/2). Her parents came in about an hour after me and entered with a burst of happiness. Their older son was beaming when grandma and grandpa came in - squealing with joy. Her mom snatched up the baby and just cooed and ogled over her lovely new grandson. As did her dad.

Then - Emy's dad came over to her - this grown woman who has now given birth to 2! boys - and gave her the most giant hug. I saw her face turn into the one I knew at 10 years old and further back. She regressed right in front of me to a near 5 year old sagging into his hug.

He whispered to her, "I'm so proud of you!" She looked back like she got an A+ on her report card and was watching him put it on the refrigerator for all to see.

She said, "Thanks Daddy - I tried hard."

I saw myself in her - and I wondered, how did our fathers create this bond with us? How did they make us feel like their praise and pride in what we do mattered more than any other thing on earth? How did they manage to NEVER let us down? and more importantly - how did we get so damn lucky?

I want that for my child more than anyone will ever know. I want them to know that we are their constant cheering section, their never ending source of love and support. I want to watch my husband be proud of my daughter and I want her to beam with self pride, knowing that her Daddy loves her more than he could love any other thing in the world.

I have no experience of watching this from Mother to son - but I only hope that I can give that as well. I especially don't know what this relationship looks like from mother to daughter but I hope and I pray that I will know how to give that to my girl (if I have one).

Most of all - I can't wait to get that same hug from my Daddy in July, "I'm so proud of you."

I'm trying Daddy - I'm trying hard.

Alive - and Possibly Well

2007-01-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

I'm back from my whirlwind travel of the last week or so. I've been in 8 planes in just over a week. My belly has popped - which isn't saying much since I always have had a belly. I'm skinny everywhere (due to 1st tri sickness) and have this bump in the front that is unmistakeably all baby.

I haven't thrown up but once in the last 2 weeks! I'm attributing the one puking episode to the awful flight I took on the way home that day. The turbulence was so bad the flight attendants were not allowed to leave their seats till about an hour into the flight. There is a reason they don't let pregnant women on roller coasters. I felt like my baby was in my rib cage and then slammed back down on my cervix over and over again. Everyone was eyeing me with worried looks. I was just closing my eyes and trying to soothe the junior in my belly.

So it appears as if I might be off the full fledged sickness stuff. I still feel nauseous in the car on long rides but try to minimize those experiences. I'm worried about starting to take the pre-natal vitamins again. I have a hard enough time pooping as it is (no pun intended) I'm worried that those pills will send me right back to that awful stomach cramping and vomiting. I know I should be taking them - but the Doc said to start up again when I felt better. I'll get around to it - but it'll probably be when Mr. M holds me down and force feeds them to me.

I'm 16 weeks as of yesterday which means that hopefully I'll be feeling this baby soon. I've felt all kinds of things going on in my belly all of which I attribute to gas or indegestion. So I'm not really sure how I'm going to be able to say "YES" that definetly was baby.

The travel continues in my schedule. I'll be heading to Phoenix in two weeks for a short quality check on our fulfillment department and staying maybe 1 extra day and having Mr. M join me for some warm relaxation. I'm also heading to Fort Lauderdale in the end of March for a week with mom at her time share. We were hemming and hawing over this trip but after we went to Miami for that short time we decided that warmth is definitely rejuvenating for us and we need to squeeze as much in as possible before its too late to travel for me.

I'm off to go swimming with my sister at her health club. Can't wait to experience the pregnancy swimming that I hear is amazingly boyant. Just hope the swimsuit still fits - because there is NO WAY I'm buying a maternity swim suit. I'll go two piece before that happens.

Don't Jinx It

2007-01-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't thrown up since Tuesday - keep those fingers and toes crossed, I might be in the clear.

I just got back from a 2 day emergency trip to Miami to bury Michael's grandmother. Very sad - but a lovely long life she had at 91.

Tomorrow I have to get back on a plane to San Antonio for a 4 day conference. Wish me luck - I'll need every ounce of energy I can muster.

Done - You Think You Are Done?!?!

2007-01-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

Silly silly little pregnant girl - you are nowhere NEAR done.

So I've been getting some energy back and have been surfing some of the other pregnant ladies blogs out there. I'm a fiend about reading birth stories - what can I say, I work in Research for a reason - and it ain't for the money.

I've even managed to make it to the gym twice! Both times I did about a mile and a half on the treadmill walking at a speed of 3 - 3.5. Then I got on the bike and did about another 20 minutes with some stretches to round out the whole experience. I feel like I'm not really working out - probably because I'm comparing it to those weightloss workouts where I'd be dripping sweat and panting after my hour of cardio and then slam some weights around.

So I was feeling pretty good - even skipped a few days on the nausea meds. I thought - I'm definitely coming out of this - I'm in the clear! WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I threw up last night after the gym and began shaking uncontrollably. Then I threw up again this morning while brushing my teeth - I SWEAR I did not touch my tongue and still my stomach was seizing and I was throwing up bile. When I put the last week or two together - I haven't gone more than a day without throwing up at least once. So, I guess my feelings of being out of this puke induced haze are merely wishful thinking.

We went to our first OB appt with the Dr. yesterday morning. She's smart and a bit of joker (which I looooove), she's very matter-o-fact and seems to know her shit. One concern that sits at the back of my mind is that she has already brushed off my comments about anxiety and fear of needles/pain. My biggest requirement of a Dr. is that they validate what I'm feeling. When I tell them I get severe anxiety I need them to take that seriously - not wisk me away and say "put it out of your mind, you won't be thinking about that when the time comes." I feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and shaking them hard and saying, "NO, I'M TALKING PASS OUT AND HYPERVENTILATE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

I try to keep calm and continue reading whatever I can get my hands on regarding birthing options and birth stories. Some of my friends/family warn me about reading so much saying I'm gonna get myself all worked up for no reason. For me its about having all the information and being prepared for my journey regardless of how it ends up happening for me. I want to know what all the terms are and what each drug is used for. I want to read what worked for some women and what didn't for others. I may not need the info in the end but there is no reason not to arm myself with the knowledge.

We heard the heartbeat and it was clear as a bell this time. No digging around not being able to find it. She went straight to the spot saying that at about 13 weeks the baby is right above the pelvic bone because it's starting to make its way upward out of the pelvis. Junior came in at a 142 BPM and the average is between 140 and 160, so he/she is doing lovely. My bloodwork came back impeccable - which I wasn't surprised about, I'm a relatively healthy woman, I come from a hearty midwestern upbringing and am usually pretty active.

Doc says another week or two and I'll be feeling night and day different. Lets hope she's right about that one.

Same Old

2007-01-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

I know I should try to be one of those people that posts religiously while pregnant - so that I can document my pregnancy to cherish it always and one day share with my child. I can't bear to do it. I'm tired of listening to myself already and I just started typing, because I know what comes next. The part where I once again wade through the dreggs of sickness and misery.

I've been sick - nausea pills or not - I throw up a lot. For a while I would sob uncontrollably everytime I'd throw up and plead with God to please make it stop. God laughed at me. I kept throwing up.

I'm managing the day-to-day better now that I've at least figured out my triggers and peak periods for sickness.

Here's what works.... FOR ME:

Wake up slowly - and generally take my time in the morning
DO NOT BRUSH TONGUE - I cannot stress this enough, my mouth hasn't been fresh in 7 weeks.
Small Meals - several times a day, I shouldn't call them meals. More like snacks: pickles, nuts, carrots, yogurt, etc.
Vitamin Water - or sports drink. Hydrated means I get to poop this WEEK.
Take nausea pill at 3:00pm - no later, no earlier, always with food
Move your body - being a slug makes you feel like a ... duuurrrr ... slug!

Here's what does NOT work:

crackers and saltines - if its that easy - YOU AIN'T SICK
ginger suckers, ginger tea, ginger anything - digestive aid my ASS
Peppermints or Peppermint Tea - all I get is peppermint throw up - which BONUS if you have the stank nastiest breath known to man.
Feeling sorry for myself - oddly enough, I still feel shitty afterwards
Pleading to the Gods above - I'm suffering for some horror I caused my mother, I'm sure of it.

I'm not better - yet, just managed I would say. I throw up occasionally if I don't follow the "DO" list exactly, but at least I"m able to work an 8 hour day again. What I've moved on to obsessing about is the pain and suffering of childbirth. I'm terrified, like pee my pants terrified of the birth that is coming whether I like it or not.

I've done my reading - and all I got from that was overwhelmed. Everybody thinks they know the "right" way to birth a child with minimal pain. Since I'm Mrs. Listy today I'll give you a sampling of my knowledge, behold...:

The Bradley Method - actually read the founders transcript of a speech given in the 60's to which he explained this method as making the most sense because the MAN is the head of the household and should therefore be the leader or "head" of the birth as well. I agree with parts of it - but I can't swallow the male dominance bullshit. It's basically a method that encourages "Husband and Birth Coach" and gives the partner a more active role in the birth - lets remember girls, MEN DON'T AND NEVER WILL GIVE BIRTH. So WTF?
Lamaze - you know the drill, hee hee hoo hoo. Basically this method was designed to distract from the pains of labor. The previous method encourages re-directing the energy from the pain to forward moving labors. Hyperventilation and low oxygen supply to the baby are the drawbacks.
Active Birth - this is the earth women of the world coming back into action. The main stance here is why in the world are women giving birth on their BACKS??? Why wouldn't they be squatting, sitting, leaning, moving, etc? I agree with many points of this method. I like the idea of a warm bath to take away some pressure and to generally relieve your body of its weight during early labor. Squatting makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. Gravity and all that.
Doulas - once again, earth mother returns. These trained individuals will (for a fee) coach you through your late pregnancy and delivery and in some cases return for post partum and possible breast feeding support. They enact and encourage many of the active birth principles and will suggest during labor different positions and massaging to try. They do NOT take the place of your husband or partner (but can if you need them), they simply do what you need of them, whether its getting ice chips or pushing on your pelvic bone when your on all fours.
Hypnobirthing - a method of self hypnosis to deal with labor pains. They also tout the claim that your baby will be born more alert and awake due to minimal need for drugs and epiderals. 2 - 4 sessions are recommended.

As you can see - the possibilities are endless, and I haven't covered nearly all the options available. You can see how someone would get overwhelmed who wants to do the right thing for their baby (which all claim to be) and the right thing for a pain freak such as myself. I've decided to put the books away for a bit so I can gain some clarity. Google is not my friend right now as I get hooked into each new method as if "YES I could TOTALLY do that!"

The bottom line was spoken best by friend Emy, "You can't plan this Suzanne, that baby comes out the way it wants to."

Shake Your Booty

2006-12-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

I've been in Atlanta for the last 4 days vomiting no less than 4 times a day each day. Surrounded by an enthusiastic food pusher who talked baby talk to me "are you feewing betteeeww sweety-pie?". Errr, no and fuck off. (father in law for those of you who are wondering)

I had 2 meltdowns on the trip - the "OH MY GOD I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE" kind of meltdown with sobbing and vomiting and the whole loveliness of hormone infused freak out.

I told myself that I had to stick it out until today - just make it to the 20th at 2:10 and you don't have to think a minute past 2:10.

Today was our first Dr.'s appointment - because the clinic I selected (with the roomy and luxurious birthing suites) doesn't see people until 10 - 12 weeks of their pregnancy. I don't know why I needed someone in a white lab coat to tell me that Yes, I am pregnant, and oooooh you poor baby - but I did damnit.

We had little to no wait at all - were escorted in by the sweet little old lady nurse who remembered me from past annual check-ups. First thing she said was "OOOOH you changed your name! Congratulations!" How much sweeter could you get!

Then she went over the basic pamphlets of information - all the while I'm thinking "when are they going to test me?" Like - they're just taking my word for it that I'm pregnant and have been vomiting un-controllably. I could totally not be pregnant and wasting everyones time. So she told me to undress and wear the little butt flappy gown - which Mr. M secured on the tightest of loops so as not to have much in the way of cold breezes.

I sat on the torture platform with my black socked feet swinging. Then I got dizzy - very dizzy - like about to pass out or vomit dizzy. I laid down and for the first time in my life, but my feet in the stirrups to get MORE comfortable.

The Dr. knocked and took one look at me and said, "Stay right where you are, you're white as a sheet and take your feet out of the stirrups - I'll extend the table." Ahhhh - how nice.

So she talks to us for a while, first thing discussed is the vomiting. She's not having it - and neither am I quite frankly. She orders me a scrip immediately for anti-nausea meds. She also says that I'm only gonna feel this for a few more weeks tops anyways - but why suffer any longer. Can you say LOVE THE DR!

She does a brief pelvic exam - apparently my uterus is tipped back. After telling my mother this after the appointment she says, "Oh yea, mine is too, huh.." Interesting that our bodies are externally so different but so internally alike. She also mentions that I have a full bladder, which yes, thanks for noticing I have to pee so bad I may go right here. (I was saving it for the cup - the cup that didn't happen for another 45 minutes).

She looks for a heartbeat with the doppler, giving me all the usual schpiel about don't freak out if you can't hear it right away, it'll take a while. I stopped her mid-phrase. No worries - I won't freak out and I was serious, I'm not scared about that. I don't know why - but I'm just not.

So she searched and searched... to no avail. Read above: tilted uterus. She asks if I want to do a quick ultra-sound just to see it. Sure I do - why the heck not.

She wheels in the big screen with the giant vagina wand. "watch the screen" she instructs.

We watch.

Only seconds later I forget there is a giant plastic penis up in my stuff coming dangerously close to my very full bladder. There it is (she - I think). She looks like a little teddy bear, we've got a picture dead on from the front, she's facing us.

And guess what!

She does a little dance!

Not a little dance - A BIG DANCE. With the arms going and the legs moving. She's dancing like nobody's business. Dance MACHINE I tell you. Mr-M has lost it at this point. We're laughing and giggling and he's tearing up a bit. It was quite awesome.

Everything is perfect - I popped my first anti nausea tonight - hopefully that will help a bit.

I'll be scanning the pics tomorrow - but really its just a blob that only a mother could love... hehehe... me, a mother.

Bologna Dreams

2006-12-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

For some reason the feeling struck me that a bologna sandwich would be palatable today. As we all know - when a sick pregnant lady gets some food idea in her head - good luck getting it out, even if she only takes one bite and tosses it aside.

So I go to subway (a place I NEVER go to usually) and order a 6 inch on wheat bologna sandwich.

Guy behind Counter: we don't have bologna.

Insane Pregnant Woman: yes you do - can't you take a cold cut trio and take the bologna out and throw away the rest? I'll pay for the cold cut trio.

Guy behind Counter: Why would you want to do that???!!!! ok - if thats what you REALLY want.

Insane Pregnant Woman: Yes that IS what I REALLY want [fake smiles]

Guy Behind Counter: "You do know that these are all turkey based - it's all the same thing really - I don't know WHY you would want to do this....

Insane Pregnant Woman: [interrupts and leans over plastic counter thing as far as she can while hissing through teeth] Listen, I'm pregnant, I want bologna, ONLY BOLOGNA, NOTHING ELSE, THANK YOU!

Other People in Line: [roll eyes, hold back giggles, and generally look at pregnant lady like she's lost her marbles]

You'll be happy to know I just took a bite - and was totally over the bologna

Words Cannot Describe

2006-12-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

Mr. M made me call the Dr., and so did Emy - but whatever. The reason I was avoiding this call is because how dumb would I sound when I said to the OB Nurse "I'm pregnant and I feel just awful."

The response would probably be dead air or a hang up at best.

I thought this is just the deal - I've been reading some of my favorite bloggers archives around the time they were in the first trimesters with their babies trying to find common ground. Everyone describes nausea but nobody really says that they are heaving over the toilet 2 - 4 times a day. I don't get it - am I the only one who actually vomits?? Everyone I've talked to says - they FELT nauseous but never actually threw anything up.

To which I say - THANK YOU - and aren't you the LUCKIEST butthole* ever in the world.

Where was I - duurrrrrr, oh yea the nurse.

So the nurse gave me lots of "you poor thing's" and "aaaahhh I'm sorry"s. So that was nice. However, all she could do for me was ask me to describe my symptoms which are:

Throwing up - anywhere from 1 - 5 times a day, morning, noon, night etc
Swollen belly
No poop
Exhaustion - after 10 hours of sleep one would think you've slept enough - one would be wrong!
Loss of appetite
Stinky pee
Pulling sensations in my abdomen when I sneeze,cough, laugh, or vomit
Extremely strong gag reflex - try throwing up WHILE brushing your teeth.

Then she rattled off a laundry list of tips for me to do. First and foremost she said STOP taking the vitamins. Those horse pills are what are causing me to not be able to poop and could be adding to my sickness. She told me to get some plain old folic acid supplements and B6 supplements. Only to take them from now on till I see the Dr. Which if you're playing along at home isn't for another 2 weeks!

She mentioned all the standard stuff - crackers, dry foods, lots of small meals, drink lots of water, etc etc. To which I basically guffawed - like I haven't TRIED all that. Then she suggested some things I haven't tried: peppermint tea, mints, hard candies, and gum.

One scary element to the call was the "if you're not feeling better in three days you'll need to come in to get some IV fluids - because you're most likely dehydrated".

IV=Needles
Suzanne+Needles=Hyperventilation

Yes - I realize that is probably not good to be a pregnant lady who fears needles and pain to the point of self induced panic. I'm working on it - as I'm also working on not being so dramatic about this. I'm trying to be as un-dramatic as possible about being sick. I'm trying to take it in stride - so what - I threw up - no big deal, back to work. But, it's hard for me... WHIIIIINNNNEEE CRRYYYYY BITTTTCH. I'm such a baby - I wanna slap myself and say "BUCK UP CHICKY!" But I can't muster the strength to even kick my own ass.

My house is in shambles. The laundry hasn't been done since before the wedding, the presents are all over the living room, Mr. M is not eating well AT ALL because I can't bare to cook with all those awful smells, and it's a pig sty. At the end of each day I say "today you will complete one task when you get home" then I puke on the ride home and fall onto the couch like a ton of bricks and usually fall asleep till Mr. M comes home an hour later.

Why doesn't anyone have the magic answer - the magic pill - something MAGIC DAMNIT!

*butthole is a highly under-used word and Mr.M and I have decided to make a serious effort to bring it back

Too Exhausted For Thinking

2006-12-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

The buzz of the bathroom fan whirred overhead and the florescent lights stung my eyes. Staring ahead at the sterile white tile walls, closing my eyes ever so often - not knowing how long they were closed - or if I'm dreaming this whole thing.

I sit and I sit - I wait.

I wait for my stomach to push out the b.m. that I know is in me - but it just won't come out. I wait to throw up again in the plastic bag I snagged from the nearest waste basket.

I wait for this foggy nightmare to be over - but when I open my eyes - the cool tile wall is still pressing against my temple and the whir of the fan is still vibrating in my ears.

I give up and wash my hands - I look up to the girl in the mirror and she is un-recognizable. Face glistening from sweat, pale as a ghost, dark circles have encompassed her eyes, the beautiful crystal blue of her eyes has been replaced by a glossy grayness. I rinse my mouth out - and pray that this is the last of it for the day.

I pray for sleep - because sleep is the only solace I have. In the early morning when my body wakes up and my brain starts ticking - I squeeze my eyes shut praying that I may not wake up.

Awake = sick.

I'm sorry for those that yearn for this - that make deals with God to just give them a child. I feel like a selfish and spoiled brat for even wishing for a second for this to all go away. I realize that others have had it worse - much worse. I know these things - but it doesn't make the girl in the mirror anymore normal - or anymore me.

Wedding Re-Cap

2006-12-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking for days about how I could put into words the events of last weekend. I've come up with nothing and everything. The day is flipping through my memory like a filmstrip stopping on different moments each time.

For those of you who told me to be careful what I wish for on the morning sickness front – you were of course right as hell. God watched over me through Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. My head was in my mother's toilet by Sunday evening which brought on huge raised eyebrows from her. I didn't lie – but I didn't fess up. I just shrugged and kept on puking.

Mr. M had this fantastic trip to Chicago planned – with a stay in an amazingly beautiful hotel. He asked me if I still wanted to go – I said I'd give it a go. Nobody told me that car sickness would be my worst enemy. I found that sleeping or at least keeping my eyes closed was the best remedy. My back hurt something fierce so I wrapped myself in Mr. M's body pillow that he doesn't leave home without and it worked for lumbar support.

The wedding day as a whole was nothing I can explain completely. I woke up and didn't really FEEL like I was getting married today. I even got my hair done and didn't feel much – the veil went on the makeup looked lovely – still nothing. I got to the church and was telling my girlfriends – that I think something is wrong with me because I don't feel anything. They just smirked and said, "not yet". I put the dress on – and nothing… once again my girls said "not yet". I took pictures – and nothing, not even a nervous squiggle in my tummy. I took the dress off again and wore my friend's black trench coat with nothing under it – which made for some pretty funny pictures pre-wedding.

I put the dress back on – I was to walk up the stairs in 10 minutes- and I still didn't feel like I was getting married. I walked up the stairs and my parents, his parents, and the bridal party was there (minus the boys of course). Then – I lost it. I started to have an anxiety attack. I immediately whirled around and had Emy and Jess stand in front of me making a little circle. They just had me breath slowly, got me to stop crying. Relaxed me until I was ready to face everyone again. When I did – I was fine.

The processional music started. The flower girl apparently did an amazingly good job with the flowers and was very precise about her flower placement because people were laughing. Then my girls went, then my cousin and brother, then my sister. Then the doors closed and I got in place.

I waited for my processional music to start – the doors flung open Dad held strong – not wavering. Mr. M lost it – seriously and completely lost it – blubbering, sobbing, gasping, and smiling all at once. All I could do was smile and cry myself. I floated through the ceremony until the vows. The vows – my God – the vows. It was the most un-believable moment of my life. I have never seen into someone's soul until that moment. There was no one else in the room for all we knew. I was told later by so many that they were the most amazing vows they had ever heard. Really – they were pretty basic I think – but it was the moment and the sincerity that got me.

We took more pictures and then were off to the reception. I've told people that I had an exceedingly traditional Lutheran ceremony and an exceedingly Jewish reception. We did the Horah, we went up in chairs (the whole while Mr. M is giving orders to this groomsmen through clenched teeth – DO NOT drop my pregnant wife!), we cut the "cake" (more like ripped a ding dong apart), I tossed the bouquet (it was an all out grudge match!), and we danced and danced. Words cannot describe the love and happiness in that room that night. Every picture has people grinning from ear to ear.

I crashed hard afterwards – took a nearly 3 hour nap on Sunday then took two naps on Monday. I kept apologizing to Mr. M for being such a party pooper – he was such a darling, never once complaining or being let down. Every morning since we've been back he's made me a toasted English muffin with peanut butter on it (it seems to be the only breakfast item that sounds remotely appetizing and staves off the vomiting).

I am trying to make it through work days and have become exceedingly reserved and withdrawn. I'm concentrating on how to schedule my eating so not to be sick at work and also not fall asleep at my desk.

I'm at 8 weeks pregnant and almost 1 week married – could there be a luckier girl in the world?

The Beginning is Near

2006-11-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

Today was my last day of work before I get married this weekend. Actually I was suppose to work a 1/2 day tomorrow but my boss politely said that maybe I should just not come back. She knows and I know that I'm doing nobody any good sitting and staring at my computer screen at work. At least before I could pretend like I was working and get all my wedding stuff done. Now - all the admin items are done and it's merely about physical action.

We leave tomorrow for Iowa. I'm ready for it to be here - and at the same time I feel like I have plenty to do in the mean time. I still have to pack the car, get the oil changed, get my nails done, re-make the veil, buy an eyelash comb and eye makeup remover, buy some hair pins/bobby pins, and get the ring bearer a gift.

It'll all happen - or it won't happen - and I'll still survive. Up until today I was running myself ragged with the details. It wasn't until this morning on the phone with the caterer (who finally called me back!) That I realized none of this matters. He very calmly said that he always forgets that to the bride this is a nerve wracking experience. For him - it's just another calm day at work. He's a pretty laid back guy as it is - but he does a wonderful job - and did a really great job soothing me this morning.

I had my hair consulation tonight and Emy came to learn exactly how to do it. $117 later and I had a beautiful "audrey" kind of do and some hair products to boot.

The posting might be sporadic this week at best - I'll be sure to post pics just as soon as I can. But if you don't hear from me - know that I'm having the most wonderful weekend marrying the man of my dreams and starting my life with him.

Doesn't Count

2006-11-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

I threw up twice tonight - but no food - just liquids. And before you all go saying "I told you so!" I think it was because I over ate and had nothing to do with "morning sickness". Granted I didn't eat anymore than I usually do at this particular restaurant but - I dunno... rationalize, rationalize, rationalize.

I'm ready for my wedding day to be here. I can't beLIEVE I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I will be the most un-productive I've ever been I'm sure. On Friday afterwork my boss had scheduled a happy hour bridal shower thingy. I got a card signed by the whole office and a little note inside that had a picture of our place settings that said "7 settings being delivered to your home". It was so very thoughtful it brought me to tears.

It's times like these that I think - there is no way I could ever leave my job - even if I did have a baby. I go back and forth a lot on that topic. To work or not to work. Which is quite funny since I used to be such a fierce feminist that I said I'd never get married let alone have children. I also used to have a definite idea of what a stay at home mom was. Irony has bitten me in the ass good on that one eh?

I'm trying to get as much rest as possible - which means I've been hittin the sack at about 9 each night and napping early afternoon - on the weekends of course. I've been feeling ok - my butt bone is killing me if I sit too long and I had a leg cramp at the theater the other night. Smells aren't really bothering me unless it's a lady next to me at a play who drank a gallon of cheap wine before she sat next to me for an hour and breathed through her mouth.

Mr. M is finally home - which I am terribly greatful for. He's my rock - and I need him now so badly. I get myself in a tizzy over unimportant details or worse - things I can't control. Several times he's had to remind me "big picture". Which is when I need to take a deep breath step back and remember that I'm going to marry this man regardless of if the table numbers are displayed correctly at the reception.

Keep Your Hands and Legs Inside the Ride At All Times

2006-11-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

The wedding is a mere week away at this point and with Mr.M being gone all week I’ve been an absolute psychotic woman. One day I’m getting teary eyed trying to memorize my vows the next I’m sobbing because OMG I just know that I’m not really pregnant or worse I will lose the child.

My uncle’s girlfriend called me the other night. I don’t want to give the impression that we are close by any means. We see each other at holidays and family gatherings but I don’t have her email address and we have never spoken on the phone. They’ve been dating for about 2 years I think.

She owns her own photography studio and does a LOT of studio work. I had asked my uncle if she would be up for taking some candid black and white shots while the girls are getting ready. She apologized because she thinks she’s not going to be able to make it to the wedding. Which is fine – especially when people give me enough notice to adjust the total count for the caterer.

She said that she will be picking up her daughter in Minneapolis that day at the airport and won’t be able to make it back down in time for the wedding. Also, she added, that she hasn’t been feeling so hot lately and has lost 10 pounds. Normally I’d say – 10 lbs! good for you!!! This woman, however, is extremely thin as it is and I would probably say needs to GAIN 10 lbs not lose it. I asked her what was wrong – has she had the flu?

She said she had a miscarriage a week ago and it was hitting her pretty hard.

My stomach was in my throat as I squeaked out a “oh I’m so sorry”. She said it wasn’t her first – she’s had 5 miscarriages, 2 now with my uncle. Which – RED FLAG – you’re trying to have kids??? This guy is a bachelor for life – he’s nearly 50 and is not and never was interested in marriage or kids. I tried to hold it together and asked her if her OB and her and figured out why she’s having trouble carrying to term. Apparently she can’t produce progesterone on her own and needs to basically know immediately when she is pregnant so she can start taking supplements. If she takes it too soon her body won’t allow her to get pregnant – it’s a nasty catch 22.

I asked her how far along she was and she said 5 weeks.

5 weeks

The exact place I was a week ago.

I asked her if she was experiencing any morning sickness and she said no. That she knows when she’s not going to keep the baby because she doesn’t get sick.

I haven’t gotten sick.

I found the best way I could to exit the phone call and called Mr. M in a panic. He was at a business dinner in Vegas and was unable to calm me. He said they were waiting for him and the server had just come to take orders, and “can you hang on baby – I promise we’ll talk about this in a few hours, just think positive.”

I called my lovely friend and bridesmaid Jessie. She soothed me and gave me an over the phone petting of the hair. She said, “you can’t control this Suz, it’s one of the many things you’re going to have to just let happen.” She’s right. I am a control freak – I will do it myself even if I run myself ragged just so I know it’s done right. I’m a project manager! Project managers are full of neurosis – it’s practically in the job description.

At the beginning of the call I was sobbing – at the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. These women who hold me up are more than I ever thought I deserved and way more than I ever thought I’d get to have.

So it’s been a tough week – but I survived it. Mr.M is getting off the plane at 9:35 tonight. My boss is throwing me yet another shower after work. It’s meant to be a happy hour celebration – so that’ll be interesting. Another stealthful operation of NA drinks. I’d like to get married now please.

Support

2006-11-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

When I woke up this morning there was a little note from Mr. M on my Instand Messenger.

Mr.M: G'night baby... don't worry... this is going to be the beginning of the most awesomest of all awesomeness.

Mr. M: I love you... I love you... and I can't wait to come home.

If there was any doubt that I was marrying the right man - that just sealed the deal. Not that there was any doubt of course - I couldn't ask for anything more.

I've been googling like a mad woman about why I haven't experienced any morning sickness. Of course that scared the shit out of me. I found things that said if you don't experience morning sickness you're more likely to miscarry. GAH! Now I'm freaking. Then I found other websites that said there was no correlation or that there were equally as many studies that dissproved that theory.

I'm coming to the end of my 6th week. I do have the sore boobs and peeing every second. I have discharge (which eeeeeewww!) but nothing else really. I feel fuzzy headed and have been a bit constipated. I feel like once I get the morning sickness I'll feel like I'm really pregnant.

Or - maybe God is just watching over me and making sure that I'm not yacking over a toilet on my wedding day. In which case, thank you God, you ROCK!

Most of all I'd like to thank all of you who have left encouraging words. It means so very much to me that complete strangers reach out to give me a hug and a "don't worry sweety" because I sure do need it.

You'll Understand Someday

2006-11-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

I don't even really know what to say right now. I'm in the hugest shock of my life. The bachelorette party was so anxiety ridden I was gagging in the toilet at 10:30 and I hadn't drank a drop.

I was so worried about how to handle the bachelorette - with good reason. I didn't want to tell people that I was pregnant, not yet at least. What made it more difficult is that I had my boss there, my sister, my step-mom, and my dad showed later in the night. My family and my work on the people I want to save from telling them this early.

I want to be able to celebrate my wedding day for what it is - a marriage to the man of my dreams, the man of my life. I don't want it to be about a baby, not yet. I'm happy, I really am - I'm just too stressed to deal with it right now.

I told my two best girlfriends because they knew I was late on my period and were calling me daily for an update. I also desperately need their support and encouragement. We came up with a plan at our impromptu lunch on Saturday. We decided that whatever bar/restaurant we ended up at they would snag the bartender/server away from where everyone was and tell them that the girl with the tiara gets NA drinks - no matter what she orders.

Throughout the evening I had 2 vodka tonics (sprite w/lime), 2 vodka cranberries (cranberry w/tonic water), and a lemon drop shot (exceedingly sweet lemonade). My sister was so dissappointed in me because I got tired at 11 and wanted to go home to Mr.M. All I could say to her was "you'll understand someday". Which pissed her off more because she thought I was saying that she would understand when she gets married. Like I was being incredibly condescending.

The truth is - I'm anxiety ridden. Mr. M is in vegas for a work convention and has been gone since Sunday morning at 4:00 am. My boobs hurt, my stomach has been squeezing the life out of me, and I've had some SERIOUS diarrhea. Sorry, I'm sure that's TMI. My nipples are constantly hard and hurt like hell. I called the Dr. hoping to be able to get an appt to confirm the pregnancy. They said they don't usually see people till 10 - 12 weeks because then they can hear a heartbeat at that time.

HEARTBEAT?!?

HOLY CRAP PEOPLE. Please tell me I'm not the only woman who has ever felt this way. I feel like I'm the only one who has found out they were pregnant BEFORE the morning sickness started. I'm having trouble breathing and I'm having even more trouble thinking. Every thought of everyday is dominated by pregnancy or wedding.

I know I'll survive but this is so un-believeable.

Up The Duff

2006-11-10T22:26:00.000-08:00

I couldn't wait till next week. NATCH.

Mr. M couldn't wait either.

Guess I won't be drinking at tomorrow nights bachelorette party.

Iron Flop

2006-11-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had tickets to a fundraising event at the very posh hotel downtown. It was supposed to be a spin-off of Iron Chef. 5 local "celebrity" chefs, 3 judges, and 1 secret ingredient. We would looking forward to it. I even dressed up - as I take every opportunity to wear heels since I don't wear them in day to day life.

We got there and I immediately realized I was overdressed. Everyone else was in nice dark washed jeans and cute little cropped blazer type things. Oh well - I don't mind standing out. Then the lines started forming. We quickly realized that whomever planned this even had over booked. HUGE.

We finally got up to the ballroom level after an anxiety ridden stuffy elevator ride. It was standing room only and you had to literally jocky for position to taste all the different little tapas type things the various local restaurants were handing out. We did ok - and had some tasty treats along the way. My favorite was the mini croque monsieurs - they were fresh off the panin grill and deeee-licious. There was free beer but nobody could get drunk because once you got a beer you'd have to get right back in the line again if you wanted to be able to have another drink within 30 minutes of your last.

The "Iron Chef" part of the evening was the most disappointing. There were mobs of people standing in front of the center chefs ring of cooks. You couldn't see them let alone how/what they were cooking. We had heard that the secret ingredient was lobster - but only the judges would get to taste it anyway - so why tempt yourself.

We ate until we were semi-full not stuffed and decided to leave - the crowds were just too overwhelming. Ok food, bad planning, and definitely too many tickets sold. At least we know they raised a ton of money for local charities - I'm happy about that.

Oh - and fuck the great wipe fest of 2006 - I'm obviously NOT getting a period ever.again.

endrant.

Bridezilla

2006-11-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

I watch the "Bridezilla" television show from time to time when nothing else is on. It's usually on non-stop every weekend and makes for a nice mindless hour of tv. Sometimes I'm so annoyed with the Bridezilla that I have to turn it off. Or the sound of their voice is so grating I find my shoulders tense. Or - like the last one I saw - the chick was freaking out so bad I found myself trying to do meditative breathing FOR her and I didn't notice till Mr. M said "why do you keep sighing, and what the hell are you watching!?"

I see these women freaking out and think - oh no that will never be me, that woman is out of her mind. Then I punch myself in the face for being a jack ass.

Today was the first day I got "nervous" about the wedding. I got 3 calls at work about things that needed to be nailed down. The church secretary called about the times and names of the people that will be signing the marriage license. I attempted to call the people who are catering the grooms dinner - they emailed earlier in the week. The organist needs final music lists. About mid-afternoon I realized I was getting that anxious feeling. You know where you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest and all you can get are shallow breaths?

I'm not nervous about my marriage - I'm excited about that. I'm just nervous about the event. I have to step back many times and remind myself to focus on the big picture. It doesn't matter if the seating chart is done - people will find seats just fine. It doesn't matter if they haven't RSVP'd - the caterer will figure it out. It's not a big deal if the program has the same design as the invitations - it doesn't even matter if you HAVE a bulletin in the first place.

Breath.

What matters is that I'm pledging the rest.of.my.life. to a man I love dearly and respect greatly. Now - if I could just put that into words - I may have written my vows by now - no luck there either.

On top of the wedding stress that is creeping up - the great wipe-fest of 2006 is in full affect. I've given up going to the bathroom every five seconds and resigned myself to the fact that I'm not getting my period. I am not however, peeing on a stick until Sunday. My friends will come over and we will have a super secret POS (pee on a stick) party. Mr. M will be in vegas and I just have to know. Once I know, hopefully I'll be calmer about the situation.

The bachelorette is this weekend - lots of interesting pictures are bound to stem out of that. Should be a good time - and remind me of the old days with the girls when we all weren't married with kids.

More importantly I'll be sure to give you shot of the pee stick - now doesn't that sound lovely!

Don't Wanna Work No More

2006-11-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have no interest in work. None. I'm completely distracted when I'm there - merely surfing the web or reading blogs. I rarely do actual work. When I am finally given a task that needs to be completed, I finish it quickly (I'm cursed with speed) and then doddle for another hour so as not to lead people to believe that I do indeed work fast.

This was something I learned right after college. I started noticing that the faster I worked - the more work was given to me. The better I did something - the more responsibility followed. I also should mention that a pay raise never seemed to go hand in hand with the responsibility. Frustrating as that was - I developed a strategy.

I don't want to seem like a slacker - because I am not. I really learn quickly and complete tasks quickly. I'm a wiz at all things excel related and can usually whip up some pretty professional report in a short amount of time. I'm a good worker - I just prefer to keep my head low. This is unlike my personal life in so many ways. I'm the middle child - I LOVE attention. I was in theater most of my life, sang in choirs and bands, participated in politics and student goverment. I love being noticed. I just don't love it at work.

When you get noticed at work - people coin you with things like "fast track", "over-achiever", "amazing attention to detail". When you recieve these "compliments" as a kid out of college you think - I'm doing it, I'm impressing them!!! YES! Then you start doing their work for them. You start working 12 hour days and busting your ass. You start getting put on committees because you're "excellent at organization." You figure out quickly that you aren't getting any more money and your bosses and their bosses are getting fat bonuses while you wallow in the dregs turning out "great work". Your hard work is paying for their new audi's and vacations to Italy.

This may all seem very selfish and bitter - but lets face it, it's true. At least when you work for a publicly traded company like I do that has branches all over the world. I've worked for the small companies - the mom and pop shops - they're different of course. But then again - you deal with a bit of un-professionalism and sometimes it's nice to be one of a crowd instead of the 1 go-to-girl.

Basically to sum up my rambling post - I'm tired of working. I'd like to retire now please. I know I know - I'm only 27 but really - I feel I've put my time in. I'll be in Arizona playing bridge with the over 60 crowd if you need me.

Not Gonna Do It

2006-11-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

The great wipe-fest of 2006 continues for me. No signs of my period and no normal PMS symptoms either except for huge tender boobs and sore butt muscles for some reason. I think that's from driving 6 hours on Sunday though.

I had to have Mr. M hide the lone pregnancy test that I had in the bathroom drawer. I don't want to know - not yet at least. I think my body will tell me whats going on in due time and I would like to enjoy my wedding first.

Look how stable and responsible I just sounded. Did you believe me?? Because it was total crap. I'm crawling up the walls. I can't concentrate at work - probably because I spend 1/2 my day in the bathroom searching for blood.

The truth is - I'm scared.

I'm feeling like doesn't anybody realize I'm too young to get married and have kids!?! I'm only 15 years old!!! Hehehe - I'm a 27 year old who feels 15, take that on Dr. Phil! I also am very scared of needles and pain. I know that once I get pregnant I'm heading towards some of the most severe pain I will ever feel in my life. I realize that I will get the joy of a child at the end of the pain - and yada yada yada people always say you forget the pain. I am a special case. I have panic attacks when nurses try to draw blood - I'm screwed.

I'm scared I'll end up being a mother like mine was. My mother was great with babies and toddlers. Very good at creating structure and learning development. She wasn't very good at affection though. Hugs felt forced, we weren't supposed to touch her hair or any part of her really. She was very selfish about her "things". She grew up the oldest of 5 and developed some huge issues with "her stuff". Don't use mom's hairbrush, don't use her makeup, and if you want to live till tomorrow don't you DARE use her hair products.

I distinctly remember a camping trip when I was 14. I had gotten my period in the middle of the night and bled pretty badly through my pajamas. I had VERY heavy periods when I was a teen - one of the reasons I went on the pill at 18. My mother said to me, "Didn't you KNOW you were going to get your period?!? You need to plan better!" She gave me one pad and told me that was all I could have until we had a chance to go to the store. She had more things - but said that she had packed them for herself because SHE plans ahead. I was mortified. I had to walk to the bathroom that was pretty far from our campsite in bloody pajamas holding my thin little panty liner knowing full well I'd soak through that in about 15 minutes. I managed to find some change hoping that there would be a machine in the bathroom - thank god there was.

I hate that story. I hate that it happened to me but more importantly I want to go to my 14 year old self and wrap my arms around her. Tell her she'll be just fine, run and get her whatever she needs, bring her a plastic bag for her jammies and a clean change of underwear and clothing to walk to the bathroom in. I want to walk with her to the bathroom and wash out her stained clothes in the sink while she showers to feel clean and healthy. I want to not be that mother that makes her daughter feel unclean or stupid. I want my daughter to feel safe with me in the most vulnerable of situations.

I fear that I will resort to my mothers ways - I feel the tendencies right under my skin in the back of my throat waiting to lash out with hurtful words. I feel it with Mr. M I feel it when I'm with my siblings... I feel it and it scares me.

For now - I wait, I hope, I fear, and I pray.

Menstruation.... eeeewwww

2006-11-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

I came from a family with very sensitive males. I've seen both my father and brother cry on more than one occasion - and it wasn't necessarily a sad one. My father especially was never left out of any conversation because it was about "girl stuff". In fact - he would on many occasions go and get our tampons at the drug store when there was an emergency. Emergency = all three women in your home having their period at the same time - two of which are teenagers. YIKES.

There was no topic that was off limits for dad. We talked freely about heavy flow, light flow, cramps, tampon sizes, and in my sisters case ovarian cysts. He didn't flinch. He took my sister to the ER more than one time because she was doubled over in pain from the cyst that had decided to place itself on her ovary and make it nearly impossible to bear the cramps.

I remember distinctly that dad was very angry that the Dr. tried to brush him off by saying "Sir you wouldn't understand - it's woman problems" when dad asked about my sisters diagnoses.

That being said it's a wonder I ended up with the most squeamish man alive when it comes to all things female related. Period a little heavy?? Please don't mention it. Cramps unbearable?? That's fine - just don't say why. Need a tampon and you're in the downstairs bathroom??? He'd rather have bamboo shoots drove into his fingernails than here you ask for one. It skeeves him out heavily to hear anything related to menstruation or vaginas. He jokes that when we have children he'll be in the lobby handing out cigars. I laugh - because I know there AIN'T NO DAMN WAY that is gonna happen.

My period was due yesterday (I've been tracking my cycles and been off the pill since May) according to my average 27 day cycle. We did play "maybe baby" twice this month - both during likely ovulation times. We're of the belief that at this point it would be great to get pregnant and get a month jump start - he is forty ya know, times a wastin.

So I've been on panty patrol since yesterday. Wiping like a finatic. Inspecting closely - is that blood?? is there a drop there??

I made the mistake of muttering this to myself when I snapped off the light in the bathroom. All I said was "jeeeez I've become an insane wiper." He gave me the hand in the air gesture of PLEASE GOD I don't want to know.

This worries me for a few reasons. The first being that I want my future daughters (possibly) to be able to have the same comfort level with their dad as I did with mine. I am also quite concerned about his skeeve threshold when I actually do get pregnant or give birth. If he can't even touch a tampon what is the likelihood that he'll be able to grab my foot and help me push a bowling ball out of the lime sized opening that is my birth canal.

Guess only time will tell.

Oh - and I'll keep you updated on the great wiping frenzy of 2006 but I've made the decision to not pee on a stick till after the wedding. (3! weeks)

Deafening Quiet

2006-11-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people can feel like their vote doesn't count. Like their voices aren't heard in a crowd. As if what they have to say isn't important.

I on the other hand have never felt that way. I've shouted in crowds and pounded doors with patent leather mary janes to make myself heard.

We had this IT guy in the office. He would YELL on his little blue tooth thingy on conference calls. He would talk to himself for HOURS. Full conversations with himself as he wandered the halls through the cubicles.

I got an ipod

I turned it up

LOUDER

and LOUDER

Still I couldn't drown out his voice.

One day I hit a wall.

I emailed my boss and said that I would offer to move cube locations and do whatever was necessary because I couldn't take it anymore.

Guess what happened last week?????

Mr IT guy was offered a lovely back corner office all by himself!

Hear that????

silence.

Go out and vote people - your voice counts.

The Goblins

2006-11-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

The Halloween evening for us is always fun. We live in a cozy little neighborhood that is well lit. The houses are close together and the blocks are square. The sidewalks are wide and the leaves have been swept away.

Mr. M was especially looking forward to the Halloween festivities because this was his first year being home and not traveling for work. In the almost 3 years since we’ve owned this house I’ve been doing the candy handouts solo. Which I don’t mind – I get a kick out of it.

We turned on our Halloween CD that is a compilation of scary orchestral and organ pieces from numerous operas and other odds and ends. No “Monster Mash” at our house thank you very much. The jack-o-lanterns were lit and the candy cauldron full to the brim.

In general we get approximately 50 – 75 kids. So we have to get about 10 bags of candy because we’re “handful people” not “pick one people”. I just can’t handle the sad little plunk of one piece of candy in the bag. I like the impact of CURRRRRPLUNK of about 4 – 8 pieces.

I’ve noticed a trend over the years with trick-or-treaters. Generally around 5:30 we get the little teenie tiny goblins with the fairy wings and the insulated pumpkin costumes. With their rosie cheeks and noses you could just eat them up they are so adorable. I love the 5:30 goblins – they rock.

Then around 7:00 we get the 8 – 12 year old goblins with the scary witch costumes or the “fart-o-meter” costume. Which, yes, I really did have one of those. They’re having a good time. I don’t mind them and they are always very polite. This crowd loves the music we play. They always say “Is it your house that has the music? Where is it coming from? COOOL!” Rock on 7:00 goblins.

At about 8:00 I’m eyeing the clock trying to decide whether or not I should turn off the lights – even though I have candy left. I don’t like giving candy to the 15+ group. Unless, they are fully costumed – then by all means have a handful. The voices start to get lower the costumes start looking strangely like the clothes they wore to school that day. I was standing at the door calling out the outfits I saw to Mr. M. I said, “We have a witch, a scary face guy, a errrr ummmm workout person, and ummm errr a skateboarder with no candy bag. Who by the way, opened the front pocket on his hoodie sweatshirt so I could drop the candy in.

My hand stopped mid-air:
Me: where’s your bag?
Skater Dude: On my back (pointing to obviously his school backpack)
Me: why aren’t you holding it out then?
Skater Dude: It’s too much work to take it off everytime (as he takes his bag off his back relunctantly)
Me: Well – I don’t think I put candy into sweatshirt pockets so you better think of something.
Skater Dude: (wrestles with the zipper on his bag that just won’t seem to open all the way for some reason – maybe because he’s hiding the toilet paper in their for when he trashes my house later)
Me: (drops one piece of crappy peanut butter taffy chew into his cavernous backpack through an opening that isn’t big enough for a tootsie roll.)
Me: get yourself a bag and a costume or don’t bother
Skater Dude: (Shrugs and runs off to his friends that deserted him at the bitchy old hag’s house)

If you don’t want to dress up anymore because you think it’s “childish” or “dumb” then don’t trick-or-treat. Really, it’s no fun for anybody when you ruin it for the little kids. Also, I’ve found it is WAY more fun to experience Halloween as an adult. The little goblins come to YOU in the warmth of your own home while you eat bags and bags of your own candy. I mean, I didn’t do that or anything, I’m just saying.

Little Pumpkins

2006-10-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

Fall is in full swing and here in Minnesota I’d even say that Winter is playing peekaboo behind that corner over there. We had a light dusting of snow last night that made me thankful that I remembered to take the patio furniture cushions in for the winter.
The air has that lovely crisp to it. I just love fall so very much. I love cuddling in the warmth of a home that is filled with love and expectation. We’re anxiously awaiting the wedding date and since I’m an insane project manager there is really nothing left to do but wait.
We talked about babies last night and starting a family. I’m always slightly gunshy when the topic of making our family grow comes up. This man, only a few months ago, would run screaming with any mention of weddings or baby making. Now, he’s the front runner, he’s leading the team, he’s the ring leader for baby making EVERYWHERE. He wants to know when we can start and he wants to be sure that I’m taking my vitamins. He’s worried about infertility (and we haven’t even TRIED yet). He’s planning the baby room with me and thinking that we might have to move our bedroom to accommodate a co-sleeper. Which he only found out existed this weekend when I told him about it.
So we’re excited to start our family and we’re excited for the wedding. When I get anxious, I bake. I bake until my fingers are dry and cracked from being washed so much. I bake until the house smells like fall and snuggles on the couch with a big fluffy blanket.

This was fun to make and cute too. Smells of pumpkin and clove are still trapped in our sweaters and I love that.

The All Mighty RSVP

2006-10-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Something that I was not forseeing when planning this whirlwind of a wedding was the importance of the RSVP. People act very strange when invited to an event like a wedding. I had no idea until it was MY wedding just how wacky people can get.

Here's just a few comments I've heard regarding the wedding:

* "Out of 52 weekends in the year you pick the ONE that I'm going hunting in Montana!"
* "Why in the world are you getting married in IOWA! Driving through cornfields for 5 hours is the last thing we want to do."
* "We can't afford to come, with the gas prices and the hotel rooms, it's just too much."
* "If you would have picked Vegas as the location we TOTALLY would have gone!" (this was actually said immediately after the previous statement)
* "Thanksgiving weekend is the DUMBEST time to get married - it's the biggest shopping weekend of the year!!"
* "Is the date firm? Because I told my girlfriend that we'd spend Thanksgiving with her family this year."
* "Do we actually have to send you the RSVP in the mail? Can't we just tell you we're not coming?"
* "You'll be so busy, you won't even know that we're not there."

I could go on and on. The comments get more and more ridiculous as time goes on. One thing I find that people really want from us is for us to beg them to attend. Like we couldn't possibly live another day if they weren't at our wedding. This is usually coming from mere acquaintances who really we invited as a courtesy.

If you're invited to a wedding - please do the following:

* RSVP promptly - yes in the mail, yes with the envelope that was provided.
* Write legibly on the RSVP. If sending regrets, write a little note like, "Congrats! Sorry we can't make it."
* Do not write in the note why you can't make it - they don't care really - especially if it's for any of the reasons listed above. They just need to know if they're going to have to pay $30 for your meal.
* If you RSVP that you're coming - DO NOT change your mind and not tell them. They will have to pay for you if you don't show up. So please let them know no later than 1 week prior to the event if you've had a change of plans.
* This day is not about you (unless you're the one getting married). The decision of the date, time, and location were thought about in great detail and weren't just a whim that the bride/groom where on that day. There are reasons they selected the things that they did and chances are - it has nothing to do with your hunting schedule.

endrant.

High and Tight

2006-10-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

I had a bummer day yesterday. For some reason I was having an ugly day. You know the days where you feel like you look disgusting?

Anyone???

No?

Just me then.

I've noticed gray hairs sneaking into my scalp. Not gray really, more like coarse silver strands that glisten. My boobs seem to be going south a bit - granted I have large breasts as it is and we've always done battle - but they seem to be winning now. I had a cold sore about a month ago and the pink skin is still healing - so that's lovely.

I guess I haven't really prepared myself for the aging process. I'm used to being the young one at work - the cute one. The one who doesn't have to diet cause "you're such a tiny little thing."

This year alone I've gone on a diet and lost an extra 15 lbs that I was so in denial about I didn't know I had to lose it till it was gone. I noticed gray hair for the first time this year. Luckily if I wear my hair curly you really can't see it. I suppose you can't see it anyway - unless you're me or Mr. M. I think those might be the start of spider veins on my legs - but if I squint really hard they aren't there. I have little creases under my eyes - and I really wasn't a big "tanner" in my teens so I don't know why I deserve THAT karma.

It's a good thing I'm getting married because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do so well picking up the boys anymore. Which is hard for me because - how do I define myself now??? Not that I defined myself entirely by my looks - but I never entertained the idea of not having the looks that I actually DID have.

RANT TIME! – The Political Addition

2006-10-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be pretty liberal. My parents are public school teachers, who taught us that everyone is allowed to believe and think what they want to. I also had wild hair up my ass from an early age regarding equality, whether it is race, gender, or age. I wanted to know why my brother got to go on the fishing trip and I didn’t. I DEMANDED that I be allowed to go on the fishing trip – and I never really cared for fishing.

Whenever I saw someone being unfairly treated I jumped to their aid sacrificing my own “coolness” in most cases. I’ve been a bullheaded stubborn sumbitch for quite some time.

When it comes to politics I find myself loving the greenies and the liberals and the democrats. I also find myself getting sick to my stomach with the current state of our country. I try not to think about it too often, because I get too worked up.

After several frustrating arguments I’ve learned to keep my politics to myself at work and amongst friends/family. My grandfather is a Rush Limbaugh listening rock steady conservative – and it’s best to just not go there. I love grandpa – he can’t NOT take it personally so, we talk about fluffy stuff most of the time.

The other day my new department took me out for lunch on my birthday. We were talking about traveling and vacations – which was a nice “get to know you” topic. Eventually we crept into political territory – and for the first time in a long time, I bit my tongue so hard I swear I was bleeding.

I mentioned that I was excited that the guy I voted for in the preliminaries had won and hoped he’d go all the way. If you want to check him out go here.

I loved that he was Muslim – and supporting the Muslims in our country. I fear for these people – I worry that they are being discriminated against for their religious beliefs. I wonder if they are being grouped with the extremists in their faith millions of miles away and put in the basket of “dangerous” when really they’re just regular people like us.

One woman in my department spoke up and said, “He’s an al-Qaeda terrorist, I sure hope he doesn’t get into congress!”

My jaw dropped and my Pad See Yoon nearly fell on the table.

This kind of thought process terrifies me in others. Muslim = Terrorist. That is real to so many people I fear.

Now I must go cleanse myself and watch 5 Daily Shows in a row after I read some Al Franken.

Endrant.

Birthday? What Birthday?

2006-10-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

I turned 27 last Thursday. I actually forgot my birthday was coming this year. Which in itself is un-believable for me. Up until this year I used to have a Birthday Week. I would count the days until my Birthday. I would give people countdowns for chrissake.

So why the change of attitude?

I think it has something to do with planning a wedding. Like I've got bigger fish to fry who cares about a birthday week. I've got to plan the event of the YEAR! Sarcasm people... bear with me people.

The invitations went out last week. They were lovely and romantic, yet classic and sophisticated. I love them.

I got the first RSVP back today - and it was a "declines with regrets"! I was really hoping the first one would be an acceptance. I opened it all excited and then... nothing.

Honesty time - I'm writing this post to fill space. I haven't been able to come up with complete posts lately. I'll be back on my game in no time - just give me a few days.

A Case of The Weeps

2006-09-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is up with me today but I've been tearing up all day.

I was looking at wedding bouquets and starting tearing up.

Trying to find a veil online - teared up.

Anything to do with the pending wedding is causing the waterworks.

I'm not sure what's up with that - I know they are tears of happiness. I'm not sad... I'm just overwhelmed and excited. I want the day to be here right now. At frist I was worried I'd be a bridezilla. I'm a bit of an insane planner so - the chance for build up let down is very possible.

I'm not so worried about that anymore. I just know that as the day gets closer there will be more excitement and of course more tears. I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life.

I know that sounds cliche. I can't help it - it's the truth.

Now I need to go watch some commercials - so I can cry somemore.

Abused Woman

2006-09-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a tramatic event while sleeping.

I got punched in the face.

I was half awake at about 7:30 this morning, suffering from a cold I got up to pop another sudafed before closing my eyes again. I rolled toward Mr. M and opened my eyes for the last second before sleeping and as I was about to settle in I saw this fist coming directly at me at full speed.

The fist landed squarely on my cheek bone, I screamed out only to see another fist coming directly at my face. I covered my head with my arms and started really screaming.

Mr. M awoke immediately. "What happened, what happened... are you ok? Baby?!?"

He had no idea what had just occurred and I didn't either really. After we inspected my face and cheek to make sure I wasn't bruised or injured too badly we managed to get back to sleep. Well, I got back to sleep but Mr. M did not. He felt so awful, poor guy.

He called me from work at about 11. He had remembered the dream rather suddenly that had made him throw punches. The dream made total sense. He was at some place, some guy was messin with him. He told the guy to back off, then the guy attacked him. He was fighting back and he distinctly remembered throwing one punch and feeling like he didn't really get the guy and trying to square up to give him the full punch.

Luckily I brought him out of his deep REM sleep fast enough to not get greeted with the business end of his fist on the second one because that would have definitely left me looking like a battered housewife.

We started reading up about it - looks like there is a real disorder out there RBD that occurs mostly in males middle aged and older that causes violent outbursts while sleeping. Hopefully this was a one time deal - because I really don't want to have to start sleeping in another bed.

Sick Anyone?

2006-09-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

So who's sick of only reading about weddings and rings????

I AM! I AM!

Well that settles it... I'll be NOT talking about those items for today.

I've started the new position at work. I've been there for a few weeks now and really... it's going quite well. I'm a bit unsure of how my boss feels about me, even though I've gotten several reports from other people about how she's ranting and raving over me.

I think I'm learning rather quickly. I now know how to read data tables, create topline reports, and write questionnaires. Well, to be fair I already knew about questionnaire construction prior to taking the position but many things are making tons more sense now that I'm getting the background behind WHY they put that answer set in that order! AH HA!

The amount of math I do in my daily job is actually quite hilarious considering I swore off math in any form in 11th grade. Sure, I was always one year excelerated in math in school but - to me that only meant I get to stop earlier than everyone else.

I'm looking forward to mastering the job. I love feeling like I know what to do next at a job in all situations. I like problem solving and figuring it out and being good at something.

One huge downside to the current job is the new cube location. I have been put in a cube that's directly across the little cube hallway from the cube of the IT guy at work. The IT guy is NOTORIOUS for talking to himself. He has one of those bluetooth thingies - which I don't think is actually necessary for him but rather an alibi for talking to himself NON STOP!

Today I started feeling a bit sick with a scratchy throat and a cold coming on. The headache and bodyaches were starting. The guy talking to himself was HIGHTENED and MORE CLEAR and driving me literally insane.

Some of you are thinking... pshaw... so what, the guy talks to himself from time to time.

To which I say... nothing... because you're probably right.

But still - I need an excuse to give a play by play:

IT Guy: Why isn't that server running on the X level?
IT Guy: Well, probably because the 3rd server is blocking the X level to the B portal.
IT Guy: But if that were the case then the 2nd server wouldn't be functioning either on warp 10.
IT Guy: Well lets check it out and look in file C20 and find the error log.
IT GUy: We could always ping the server to find the location of the ...

You get the point and I can't make up anymore IT nerd speak because I have no idea what any of the stuff he talks about means. GOD - please make it stop.

I'm not the only one either. There are at least 10 people affected by this 1! guy. Everyone has developed coping techniques. Some wear Ipods, some talk loud on the phone to drown him out, some complain to supervisors, others make snide comments not quietly so he'll hear them, and some.... ignore.

I am not one of these people. I cannot be passive aggressive. I am utterly incapable of passive agressive behavior. I seek out conflict and resolution.

So today... everytime he'd start getting into huge conversations with himself I would spin around in my chair and stare at him until he became aware of me and would stop and start mumbling the conversation rather than yelling it out. I would continue to stare until he really stopped... momentarily. When he thought I wasn't paying attention he would start again - repeat, repeat, repeat, until I left for the day sick at 2:00.

So I'm sick... and tired... and sick.

For Once I Was Right

2006-09-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Since the ring has taken its place on my finger it's been a mixture of emotions. At first I think I was in shock. Now, looking back I was really not absorbing anything.

People would congratulate me... I'd say thank you, but was kinda like... ummmm.... duhhhhhrrrr.

Then I started planning, which by the way, I'm nearly done with. Yea, I'm that crazy. I have spreadsheets with multiple tabs including: budgets, guest lists, and posed shot lists.

Everything is basically done with the planning - we've registered... yada yada.

THe bottom line is. I'm happy. I'm really happy. I'm so excited to get started making our little family. Mr. M has been so totally on board, I've had to stop doing the double take everytime he says something. He talks about our marriage, our wedding day, our want to have children.

I have no other words to explain my state of bliss.

Ring Watch '06

2006-08-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry - I've been such a busy little wedding planner and not updating. Who am I saying sorry to??? oh yea... nobody reads this. HA!

Ring...

Check!

Date...
November 25th, 2006

Check!

Reception site...

Check!

Dress...

see previous post

Check!

Bridesmaid dresses...

Check!

Groom's dinner site...

Check!

Groom's dinner food...

Eheck!

Pretty soon all I'll have to do is twiddle my thumbs and will my boobs to shrink so I can breath in my dress.

Not Planning On It

2006-08-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my sister and I went dress shopping for the wedding that is now dominating my every thought.

DO I have a ring yet?

No

It'll be here in a week.

Has my Dad been asked yet?

No

Not till we have the ring.

Have we picked a date?

No

But I'm thinking November... because I'm a project manager by trade it's difficult for me to wait 6+ months for a project to come to fruition. Plus... I'm an impatient child.

So we went dress shopping just to see what's out there. I felt like a bit of an imposter since I didn't have a ring on my finger. My sister convinced me that I'm just as entitled to be at those stores trying those dresses on as the next girl with the rock on her finger.

I looked online for styles that I liked and wrote down some numbers. I went to David's Bridal since I thought they'd be the most low key and I could just browse. Um.... not the case! Did you all know that you have to have an appt. at David's Bridal ?!?! Who the hell do they think they are? Aren't they off the rack? Don't they have 6 sizes of each dress sitting there for you to take up with a free oil change??? Guess I was wrong about all of those assumptions.

The next shop we went to I found online, they seemed to have every dress that I liked online so we went to check it out. I called ahead this time... no appointment needed.

They told me they didn't have any of the ones I liked in stock but I said I'd still like to start trying some on to start getting some ideas of what looks good on me. I grabbed about 10 dresses and my sister picked a few she liked out of that ten.

THe first few I tried were the style I thought I"d like... the big puffy princess dresses with fitted waists and strapless.

Then... I tried on this

I bought it.

FUCK!

OMG I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

2006-08-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

I totally neglected to tell the internet about the crazy batshit jewelery lady who came to our house the other night.

Both of my best friends, Jess and Emy, got HUGELY discounted diamonds from the batshit lady. I got her number from Jess and she explicity told me not to waste this lady's time and to be very respectful of her. Um.... DUH... I work in corporate america it comes with the territory to do that kinda shit.

So I get ahold of the lady and ask her if she's still in the business. Of course she is! I send her some emails with pictures of rings that I like. She sends me this cryptic email:

YES<<< YES, dear suzanne, we will have many options for you to select from. Weds... at 5:45 pm... inside lobby of plymouth building<<< i WILL MEET YOU & mr. m at elevator, to ride upstairs with you ,,,
This will be a special appointment, and the rush of their day will be near past << Kathie cell in mpls xxx-xxx-xxxx <<< will you carry a check for deposit with you that day <<< Mr. M ?? I receive the lowest prices for 36 years because I pay this fine company PROMPTLY !! God Bless & See you then >> I will check this e -mail again Tues 3 :00 pm ,,,,,,,,,,Batshit Crazy Lady
all style of rings & all prices & qualities of diamonds scintilating, DANCING diamonds !!

Ok - so she can't type... or spell...or form sentences whatsoever. Still I thought I'd give it a shot... 2! people recommended her and they have beautiful rings.

She calls me at about 5:00 on Tuesday - the day before we're suppose to meet her. SHe wants to stop by the house that night at 7:30. I was a bit weirded out but whatever... come on over.

She shows up carrying about 6 plastic grocery bags full of SHIT! I come out to help her at her car to carry the loads of shit. I grab one for her and its filled with corn.

Yes... I said CORN.

She brought us some corn because she passed a stand on the way up from BFE where she lives.

SHe starts unloading her wares on my dining room table. Out comes piece after piece of giant, fake, gas station, gold jewelery. I said, "Did you get my email with the pictures of the rings I found?" Thinking that clearly she didn't look at that email.

She says, "yes, I did... how about this one?"

Again... a gigantic brass ring.

So I brought out the brochure of the Ritani ring that I loved. I said, "Something more like this. Small, thin band, platinum, with a square diamond."

She says, "Oh, I get it... this is the perfect ring for you!"

Again... 1980's mob-boss gigantic wipe off gold setting with ROUND inset fake diamonds.

Hmmm.... Obviously my approach was losing something in the translation. So I figured, oh well, we'll get to the warehouse tomorrow and at least get a princess cut stone in the 1 carat range and just go elsewhere for the setting. I knew she could get it for about 2K under the retail price because it was wholesale.

So I start to help her pack up her gum-ball machine jewelry.

Then she says, "What do you use to clean your floors?"

"Ummmm, I think Mr. Clean, why?"

"Because they have TOXINS... and they are going to KILL YOUR CAT!"

"Hmmmm, yes, I definitely use the Toxins... I love toxins."

"Well, I don't want your cat to die so have you ever heard of Melaleuca?"

Out comes the Melaleuca catalogue, she goes through each.page.one.by.one explaining each vitamin and lotion. Basically she's trying to sell me Amway. Worse, she then tried to sell me some shitty makeup. THEN she says we need to hurry up and make a purchase this week because, and I quote, she's "taking a trip down to Costa Rica next week to help out the missionaries, and teach those kids about JESUS."

By the end of it I was pissed. Don't come to my house with your costume jewelry and try to sell me shitty products.

So I called and cancelled for the warehouse the next day. I also called my friends and gave them the big WTF?!? Emy never actually met the lady and only dealt with her over the phone... which makes sense. Jess says, "oh yea, she's a little nutty."

A LITTLE NUTTY!

BATSHIT CRAZY is more like it.

Roles Re-Defined

2006-08-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ring shopping and venue searching has commenced.

Maybe I should explain a little better.

After my fathers wedding we drove home remarking on what a lovely little weekend it turned out to be. We stopped for 7 year aged cheddar at a cheese shop in Wisconsin on our way back. It's so sharp it makes your cheeks hurt... I love that. I also got assorted flavors of home-made salt water taffy, which Mr.M despises but it was my special treat.

Early Monday morning I woke up at 5:00AM to take Mr.M to the airport. He was going to Vegas to see some of his buddies and in general just relax. I was invited but declined since I'm in the middle of my marathon transition at work from current job to new job.

On about the third day of his vacation I got a voicemail at work. I was crazy busy trying to impress at the new position and juggle the old position. It was Mr.M, his voice was excited sounding and happy. Like a child calling from camp telling you all about the craft classes where they made lots and lots of friendship bracelets.

"Hi baby... I was wondering if we could get married and have a baby right away?"

"Ok call me back and let me know.. love you bye"

It took me a second to actually hear the message. I had to replay it. I chuckled to myself thinking... hmmmm what the hell was that.

I called him back and without a greeting said, "I don't think it counts if you leave it in a voicemessage."

He laughed and said, "take or leave it... its a good story to tell the grandkids".

So I laughed it off... but then he came home... and he was happy and still talking about it and I was caught a bit off guard.

We've decided on a location. We've picked the top 5 venues. We went to Tiffany's and various other jewelers today and we're meeting with a supersecret ring wholesaler lady on Wednesday.

Basically - a light switch went off in his head. No amout of me talking about it or nagging or begging or demanding was going to make that light switch on. He had to come to it on his own. He was in Vegas playing with the 3 year old child of one of his friends. He said he had a moment of clarity and decided that now was the time.

It's not real yet. Basically because I said it wasn't real until I have something to glitter up my ring finger. Now don't go getting all preachy on me... I require very little. Less than a carat and just a simple band.

until....

I saw this
I thought all I wanted was 1 ring... no engagement ring AND wedding ring. But this little beauty is unbelievably stunning and the matching wedding band just makes it lovely.

Of course Mr.M and I have very different taste in rings. He likes the inset, low profile, round cut stone. I told him whatever he got me I'd be more than happy to wear it the rest of my life.

So... everyone commence screaming.

Handing Off The Tiara

2006-07-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

We drove 3 1/2 hours on Friday morning with a large melting cake in the trunk and equally melting chocolate covered strawberries.

The cake made it - and was delicious. Picture coming tomorrow.

So what was the occasion?

My father got married.

It was really perfect and wonderful. I thought I'd make it through it without tears but that was over the minute I walked down the aisle with Mr. M as my escort. THen I tried to compose myself so I could sing for them. I couldn't look at my dad - I would have burst into tears.

I still can't figure out why I was so emotional. I think it was because I was so damn happy that my father has found someone to be his companion for the rest of his life. They really are perfect for each other.

I was asked to give a toast and I couldn't think of what to say - so I asked Mr. M for what he thought was the best thing to say.

He said, "you could give up princess"

I knew what he meant.

So sure enough during the toast I allowed my father's new wife to take over my sister and I's princess status.

It was tough.

But I'm somebody elses princess now.

Keep On Reading

2006-07-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

I few months ago I re-evaluated why I keep a blog. Is it so I can build a huge reader base like those of Dooce, EverydayStranger, or Amalah? Is it to make internet friends? Is it to turn into a mommyblogger someday who gets paid to stay at home and write?

I decided...

None of the above.

I keep this blog because sometimes I have stuff on my mind. It may not be everyday or even every week, but I always come back when my mind is full and needs unloading. I realize that having this as my motivating factor to keeping a blog means that I won't have the items I first listed ever happen. I'm ok with that.

I'm not nearly as witty as Dooce as poetic as Everyday Stranger or as amazingly HI-larious and all knowing as Amalah. I'll never be these things. I will however be my self. Not afraid to say anything, talk about anything, feel anything, or write anything.

If no one reads it, which I'm pretty sure is the case. It's ok... it's more than ok... it's expected!

So thanks for coming... make yourself at home.

As If There Was Any Doubt

2006-07-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

I gave my "notice" last week Tuesday to my current employer. It was a sad meeting with my wonderful boss who I adore. We both got a little choked up until I quickly excused myself.

I heard that the two HR teams were fighting over me and what my end date would be. Which I tried to stay out of... well I actually didn't have a choice. They didn't let me have a say really. So - fine... whatever.

Now here it is a week later and I've heard nothing. I don't know if I'm moving cubes, if I'm suppose to be quiet about my moving, if I should answer questions that people have, if I should tell my vendors... I have no clue. Even more so I don't know if my two week notice holds and when I'll be receiving the fatter paychecks.

I had to go to my new boss to find out. I asked her if she'd heard anything about my start date. She pulled up an email and it was very disappointing. To her and to me. Apparently my company threw a big enough stink about needing me that they've managed to retain me for an additional MONTH! My last full time week with my current company is next week. Then I do this 2 days on 1 side 3 days on the other for a few weeks. My new boss said they were working on a spot bonus for me to recuperate the money I lost due to hanging out with them for 3 weeks longer than I wanted to.

AND

They are NOT replacing me!

How the HELL do you justify not replacing me when you are making the hugest deal of me staying for 5 weeks to "transition" my projects. Basically that tells me you're screwing my co-workers by giving my work to them instead of hiring someone for this obviously full time job. I average 50 hours a week - how is that not a full time job??

If there was any inkling of doubt about leaving my current position it's completely gone. I'm doing the right thing. This current company doesn't care about people they care about the bottom line. I'm not interested in that.

Ritchie Rich

2006-07-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

I got the job offer from the other company. THe company I used to work for before the "split". It was better than I thought. In fact... it was 2K more than I was shooting for. My salary has gone from 28,500 to 42K in 3 years. At this rate I might just meet my goal of 50K by 30.

I had dinner with Emily and her husband... and JEssie and her husband on Friday night. It was really really nice. We laughed, reminsced, and just in general reconnected. I searched all over the place for good people to surround myself with. For some reason I forgot that those people were the people I had in the first place.

I'm rich in so many ways... money isn't even one of them.

Grow Up Already

2006-07-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm a fairly social person. If I were on a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being hermit introvert who lives in a cave and 10 being a 15 year old cheerleader - I would be a 25. I NEEED it. NEEEEED.

Last weekend Mr.M was at work - like every weekend - and I had Saturday all to myself. After I baked a wedding cake, did the laundry, watched a thousand hours of television, and cleaned the kitchen, Mr. M came home.

He said, "Hi baby... baby??... wassamatter?"

I looked at him with crazy insane eyes bulging out of my head and blurted out, "I haven't talked at all today."

I went from 9:00 in the morning till 7:00 at night not having said a WORD! And for someone like me - that's like pulling out my fingernails one by one and then dipping my hand in lemon juice.

So what brought on this sudden panic - I've had several Satuday's where I was flying solo and never had this problem.

I'll tell you what the problem is...

I'm about as mature as a 3 year old.

In highschool I was incredibly social - not a day went by that I didn't have a friend with me or was participating in some event/sport/music group/extra-curricular activity.

In college - I was equally social. I always lived with numerous girls and would be on the go all the time.

After college I worked at a Casino. I'd go to school in the morning, work from 2:00 till 10:00, and then hang with my co-workers till 2 in the morning.

No one calls me. I call them.
No one invites me to hang. I invite them.
No one
No one

I'm sick of it. I tried to make a new years resolution to build my friend base. I sought people out - I organized things, I joined classes, and started singing again.

So I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I do there is something fundamentally fucked up with me that people don't want to initiate and maintain a friendship with me.

I'm a child.

The Next Chapter

2006-07-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Jessie built her own house. She actually built it - not like hiring a contractor - but hauling every brick and nailing every nail.

It was a long haul - but she's finally done. Of course it's never REALLY done but it's liveable and beautiful.

She had her first party last night - which we heard about 3 days ago when she sent out the email. My first question was, "is Emily going to be there?"

Jessie called me - she said yes, Emily was going to be there and told me she would understand if I couldn't do it. At first I ws going to say no. However, Jessie had been prepping me for this party for months - begging me to attend, even though Emily would be there. Finally - I decided... I was sick of punishing Jessie for what had happened between Emily and I.

So - I told her not to worry about it. I'd be there and I'd behave myself.

I was out walking with Mr. M on Friday night and we were coming up with a viable plan for how I would handle the situation. As we were walking my phone rang. The voice on the other end of the call was as familiar as my favorite jeans. Time stopped, my breath escaped me, and I had no words.

It was Emily.

She talked about how she was sorry - and tried to explain herself and wanted to be sure it wouldn't be awkward at the party - for Jessie's sake. I didn't know what to say - I stammered for a few minutes. She asked if I wanted to call her back - I said yes.

So - I took a few minutes - finished our walk - composed myself and called back.

We talked for 2 1/2 hours. We cried, laughed, and said the hard stuff.

I was so nervous to go to the party, but I powered through. The moment I walked in the door I saw Jessie handed over the cheesecake I made and the pasta salad. Then I heard a voice, "excuse me, I don't mean to push but I have to over to that woman over there."

It was Emily pushing past Mr.M (who she doesn't know) to get to me. I looked up and there she was my beautiful friend from a million years ago and in her arms a beautiful blonde child with a big grin.

She grabbed me and we hed eachother and sobbed... SOBBED. There was no one else in the room as we just cried and held eachother. I took her child into my arms and smelled that baby boys head and sqeeeezed his beautiful baby thighs.

I introduced Mr.M and she hugged him too. We just cried for nearly a 1/2 hour. THen we talked and laughed and hugged for hours. It's like we'd look at each other and hug every 10 minutes not believing that the other person was real.

Are we going to rekindle our friendship? I don't know. Will we ever be what we were - probably not. It doesn't matter though - because we had that night. God know we needed it.

Shut Yo Mouth!

2006-06-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

9 POUNDS BABY!

I'm thin and attractive - just in case any of you were wondering.

Fine Line

2006-06-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Before I left for a little jaunt to Atlanta to visit Mr.M's parents I was approached by a high level VP at my work.

He popped his head into my cube and said "hey, got a second?"

My mind raced - what the heck could he want to talk to me about?!?

"Sure" I replied as calmly as possible.

Then he turned around and started walking - which means I guess that whatever he wanted to talk to me about is either longer than a seconds worth of conversation or I was in deep shit.

I walked behind him - mind still racing.

I step into his office and he leans in with his voice down and says "have you made your company aware of your intentions?"

I searched my mind as quickly as I could to figure out what he was talking about. Until I came to it - "OH, yes, of course! My boss is actually the one who facilitated me talking with your company."

He responded, "Great, we'll get this started then."

As I walked back to my cube my heard was pounding and I was still racking my brain as to what the hell he was talking about. Get what started? Intentions? Why the secrecy?

So instead of sit and stew on it - I wrote the VP an email. I explained that I had told my boss about my interest in the other side of the company. The client service side of it. THe side that has a higher earning potential and tons more marketability as far as job skills go.

She, being the rock star boss that she is told me to go and talk to a VP at the end of the hall about what the role could offer and what would be the challenges. So I went and met with this VP (which isn't the VP who approached me) and we talked vaguely about the role and basically it was more of an imformation gathering session. I pulled back a bit after that meeting because I was in fear of moving too quickly.

I've become very comfortable (for lack of a better word)in my current job. I come and go as I please, I can have a long lunch every once and a while and no one blinks. I'm encouraged to take plenty of vacations and never work nights and weekends. Moving to a new company and a new position freaks me out because I could be going from something I know is good to something unknown.

I met with the VP about what exactly he was talking about a few days later. He told me there was an immediate opening and would basically like to offer me the job. The Client Service director asked for me by name and the whole team had agreed with the request. I was quite flattered - but told him I was going to tell my boss about this to keep everyone in the loop.

When I told my most amazing boss of all time about it. Her reaction was what I thought it would be. Surprised and sad but excited for me. She also suggested that we do my review immediately so I could have all the information needed to make an informed decision.

My review was definitely not a reason to stay in my current position. The words she wrote were quite flattering but the "grades" I was given were across the bored mediocre. My poor boss prefaced each "grade" with a "Please remember that this is a baseline and everyone, including me was given this grade for everythign." Finally I told her she didn't have to say that anymore because I know it wasn't her choice.

My feeling from the review was that her boss - or upper management as a whole had told all the managers that they weren't permitted to give anyone above a baseline "grade". So HI! My name is Suzanne - I manage multi-million dollar projects that help to make huge product decisions for world wide companies - but I'm just "effective"!

She also handed me my merit raise... 3%. THREE FUCKING PERCENT PEOPLE! DO you know how much that adds to my bi-weekly check?!?! A whopping 4 dollars. I was livid when I left. I couldn't figure out why my boss wanted me to leave for the weekend on that note to make this decision. She knew it wasn't the kind of review/raise that would be impressive. So I had to go on the theory that she was trying to tell me to take the other job.

I didn't have to think too hard on the weekend. I got an email from her that said she wanted me to jot down my current frustrations with the company and bring them to a meeting with her boss at 9AM first thing Monday morning. SO I took some time - and I thought about whether I wanted to be brutally honest or not. Of course - I'm me... I was brutally honest.

I was told during this meeting that I had been approved for a "industry standard" raise - which was 3K more. Bringing my salary to 38,550 but that the accounting department just hadn't given them a date yet for when it would go into effect. My bosses boss - the bitch of the world - told me it was highly confidential and that I couldn't tell anyone about it.

Which puts me in a weird spot - because I can't negotiate salary with the other company based on what they are GOING to pay me I can only negotiate based on what they actually DO pay me.

Regardless - I'm done. I'm done with the bosses boss. As much as I hate leaving my boss and love my comfort level. My mentor at work (girl who made the same transition I'm about to make) told me something very important - comfort=death. She's right - if I stay because I get to come and go as I please, I'm basically allowing myself to stay in a situation where it's "good enough".

Now - I wait. Wait for the official offer from the other company and wait to find out what my salary is going to be for the next year and where my career is headed.

Stepping Out Re-Cap

2006-06-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

I sent an email to Mr.M basically including my last post verbatim.

Turns out he's been hashing and re-hashing our fight the other night about being fat.

He's been in his brain trying to figure out why I would decide to think that what he said was a purposeful statement made to hurt me.

His words are "why would I try to hurt the person I love the most in this world?"

He also said, "I thought we were closer than most couples and that we could decipher when the other was joking."

So - there you have it. He's not planning his escape, he's not even thinking about it. On top of that - we're still heading in the same direction I thought we were.

Stepping Out

2006-06-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

At first I thought his silence was because of our fight the other night (Thurs).

When Friday rolled around and he was still not speaking to me - I thought his work day must have been uber-stressful.

Yesterday when he wouldn't talk to me I thought the diet was getting him down.

When we didn't have our weekend sex - my eyebrows started to raise a bit.

When he wouldn't speak to me this morning - I'm starting to get it.

Mr. M might taking his leave of our relationship. THat is really a possibility. The night before we fought about the "fat"thing he said he was feeling pressured - like he was on some timeline and not like deciding to get married should be. I told him that I was sorry he was feeling that way but that I couldn't live like this any longer. The only reason I'm still here is because he said "by your birthday". I was done waiting in March. I'm still here only because the man has never lied to me and never not come through on a promise. He gave me his word - and I believe it.

The first few days of our diet Mr.M was on a high. He was talkative and excited. He was rooting me on and motivated. THe last few days he's been anti-social, distant, and silent.

I could ask him a question 2 feet away from him and he will flat out ignore me. LIke he's in another world. I have to ask it 2 - 3 times before he comes back down to earth and realizes his woman is actually talking to him.

Something is happening - definitely. This morning I said to him that what he's doing right now is what I assume he experiences in his relationship with his first love. He told me that she had just stepped out of the relationship emotionally. That it was the worst torture he'd ever experience.

Having a shell of a person next to you in bed is an awful feeling. That person is there - but not really. The being is there but the soul is not.

Yes - I've asked him what's wrong. I've asked him what's up. I've asked him to please bring back the MR.M I know. All I get are grunts and sometimes a yes or no. Kisses are forced, hugs are tense, and touching in general is ridiculously awful.

In my past relationships I would have fought tooth and nail against my partners withdrawal. All of those times it just pushed the person farther away. I'm thinking I need to give MR.M some space. On the hand I want to know that I'll be damned if I let this thing fall to pieces. On the other I feel like the only way to keep him is to let him do this on his own.

MY stomach is in knots. I feel the end is near... or at least a very large detour.

This Will Pinch A Bit

2006-06-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

I had a dermatologist appointment today - mostly to figure out what the heck is up with my bumpy, blotchy backs of my arms but also to get a standard mole check. I have lots of moles and when I was little me and my grandma would count them because she said if you had a lot of moles that meant you were going to be rich someday.

SO the little asian lady came in with her white Dr.'s coat on. She looked through her quarter sized microscope at all of the moles I thought were my "possible problem moles".

OF course all the ones I thought had to be problems weren't. She thought they all looked rather lovely - like only a dermatologist could.

Then she was looking at my back and I thought for SURE she was going to zero in on this raised mole I have right at my bra line. She didn't give it a second look but she did focus her attention on a flat little dark mole I have on my left shoulder blade.

She asked if I'd ever seen that one - while yes, I had seen it I haven't given it much thought cause it was smooth and blended in with my somewhat olive skin.

Turns out that is the one she thinks is a high risk mole. She had me on the table pretty quick with the novicaine and removed the little sucker in a few seconds. I've been given strict instructions on "wound care" so that I don't get a little divet in my skin. I'm not too worried about a divet - I've got plenty of those just from living life. If it were on my face - that would be another story - but on my back - eh.

I'll know in 14 business days whether or not it's benign or skin cancer. Maybe I'm benig highly naive but I'm not very concerned. If it was skin cancer - it's already gone and I have a perfect little circle shaped divet to show for it.

Insert Interesting Title Here

2006-06-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

We're on day one of week 2 of our weightloss challenge.

I lost 3.5

He lost 5.5

THe first week was tough because we felt hungry a lot.

THe second week is turning out to be tough because we're want to claw eachothers eyeballs out.

We're having some serious crankiness problems and we're ready to kill eachother.

We were talking about the beautiful trees in our neighborhood while going for an after dinner walk. I said that I Liked the tall skinny magestic looking ones. He said he liked the one that we were currently walking under. I said, "So you like the short fat ones." He turned to me and said, "obviously".

There was about 2.5 seconds where I made the decision to take offense to this. I felt the moment creep by. At first I was like - no he's just joking. THen I took it to the next level, "FUCK THAT - why would you even JOKE about that?!?"

So - the next thing we know we're fighting about it for about 20 minutes.

I'm feeling like he thinks I'm fat and keeps trying to remind me. He's offended that I would think he would ever try to hurt my feelings.

Now we're sitting here silently feet away from eachother stewing. Of course I always jump to the "he'll never marry me." and he's over there coming up with who knows what.

I had this part of the diet. The part where you turn into the devil to the people you love. We're exhausted and craving food with substance.

2006 Weight Loss Challenge

2006-06-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

Mr. M and I are embarking on a new lifestyle for the next 3 months.

The 2006 Couples Weight Loss Challenge!

We're playing against his friend Homer and Homer's girlfriend.

Combined weight of Mr.M and I - 327 lbs.

Combined weight of HOmer and his girlfriend - 378 lbs.

Whichever couple loses the most percentage of weight wins. The winner gets a free trip to the losers city.

Lucky for us - Homer and his girlfriend live in Las Vegas! YAY!

And we're totally going to win because we called them lastnight and asked what was for dinner, they said they were having Pad Thai. MUUUHAHAHAHA.

I'm eating 22 weightwatcher points a day and they're binging on Pad Thai - SUCKERS!

It's been a rough first week - I've been absolutely starving. HOwever I believe that I will lose about 25 pounds in 3 months at the rate I'm going.

WIsh me luck - and pass the candy bars. mmmmmmm

Wicked Witches

2006-05-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

I finally trudged over to the neighbors last night making sure that the wicked witch of the west wasn’t anywhere to be seen and that her broomstick (car) wasn’t parked out front.

Of course I went over there with the fake request of using space in their garbage can because ours was full. Really I just wanted to talk to Dave to find out – WTF?!? DUDE!?

I started off with my bullshit request which he was like “OH YEA, of course!”

Then I slid right into the heart of the matter. I told him I was sorry to bring something up that I thought was very innocent – I had no idea she would take such offense to it.

Then Dave unloaded what was really going on at home.

Apparently WW (wicked witch) was not pleased that they were splitting up and she’d been awfully needy lately. She has been flipping out in front of everyone including (but not limited to): his father, his mother, her mother, their neighbors, their friends etc etc.

I feel two ways about this:

1. WACKO! Time to spend some time alone honey!
2. AAhhhhwwww – I’m so sorry, this must really suck.

I’m not saying it’s ok to flip out in front of your neighbors and the rest of the free world, but I am saying that “honey I’ve been there.” I have been that crazy, needy, can’t control myself or my mouth kind of girlfriend.

Dave also added that she thought that I had alterior motives with her man. ME! The girl who’s nearly engaged and off the pill trying to have a baby with the love her life. The girl who can’t see hot men anymore because Mr.M has her under spell. ME!?!

I laughed out loud – HARD! I hope Dave wasn’t offended, he’s cute and all – but really that ain’t my bag baby.

She took my statement of offering to babysit or make him dinner as a come on. When Dave asked why in the HELL I would say that in front of basically my fiancé she said it was to make him jealous. Feel free to once again laugh out loud at that one – because really, if I wanted to make Mr.M jealous. I would LEAVE HIM, because what’s the point.

Long story short – we’re going to tiptoe to and from our cars until she’s gone. She thinks I’m after her man and when you’re in that state of mind, ain’t no amount of logical reasoning going to pull you out.

Social Disgrace

2006-05-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Approximately 6 months after we moved into our home a young couple moved in next door. I was excited because they looked like my age. Especially the woman - and the guy introduced himself immediately.

I thought - YAY - I'll get to have a friend next door like I always wanted. Someone who'd have kids at the same time I did and we could take turns carpooling.

I noticed after about the first month that the woman wanted nothing to do with me. The guy, who's name is Dave, told us that she was pregnant, so I thought maybe it was just a pregnancy thing. After she had the baby - I thought SURELY she would want to be my fast friend.

But alas - no.

She would hurry from her car to the house juggling the baby carrier. They were not married - I knew that much. Dave would be so sweet and would inquire about our house renovations. I even invited him in once to take a look at our progress.

I brought over raspberry crisps and cupcakes thinking that I could woo her into being friends with me with my superior baked goods. Still - she would not talk to me.

Then all of a sudden out of the blue she tried to talk to me a few weeks ago. I was delighted, until she told me she was moving out at the beginning of June. How could she try to be my friend now that she was leaving?? It just didn't make sense.

So the other day I was leaving for work and saw Dave. I said "so I hear you're going to be a single man?" to which he replied in a sarcastic tone, "Yea, watch out." Then I offered babysitting services or dinner if he ever needed anything.

Much to my delight they invited us over to sit on the porch tonight. So I went over - Mr.M had already been there about an hour and seemed to be having a nice time. She was so talkative and chatty. I even thought that maybe she had decided not to move out since they seemed so amicable.

So I told her of the story of how I was giving Dave a ribbing the other morning about being the single guy. I told her his response and she laughed and so did I. Cause it was SARCASTIC.

Then we showed them our renovated kitchen and our house. We went back to there porch and she was noticeable quieter but I thought nothing of it.

All of a sudden she lashes out at Dave, "what do you expect me to do right now, just ast embarrassed and pretend that you didn't say what you said" she hissed.

He was obviously taken aback - as we all were and said "what?"

SHe then went into this raving ranting fit of how he's been sleeping around on her since they got pregnant and that he's been bragging about being single since she said she was moving out. Nearly screaming at him right in front of us and the lady next door. I tried to stammer out a response, "oh I'm sure he didn't mean it that way..." but she wasn't having it. AND she was wasted. It was the first time I had realized she had too much to drink.

He just kept saying "I don't know what you're talking about."

She screamed one last retort before leaving us all in stunned silence.

To which I said, "well then... we better be going."

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE - is this the way people act??? Adults?!? I am so utterly mortified by the whole experience. My guts hurt. Did I cause this argument? Did I say something I shouldn't have? They seemed so amicable and he really was sarcastic when he said the whole "watch out" thing.

I feel just awful.

Anybody Over There?

2006-05-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

When I made the transition from my old job to my current job there were several things that were glaring differences.

One of the many differences was that I no longer took the 3 hour lunch. Not that I don't want the 3 hour lunch - I really do like sharing a few bottles of wine and not going back to work. Now the work is too insane for me to even leave the office. Sometimes I manage a 15 minute lunch in the back room - most days I miss lunch. I'm ok with this because my work is busy enough for me to forget to eat. That means the day sails by and 5:00 comes much sooner.

Another difference is that I do a lot more work and a lot less socializing. I used to take 2 walks during the day. Both of which were a minimum of 30 minutes a piece. I did this so that me and my coworker Jeff could complain about the witches in the office. We needed it - trust me. We were expected to show up at work and commence with a "coffee clutch" which basically consisted of everyone bitching about their spouses. Except Jeff and I - who refused to bash our loved ones. That of course doesn't happen anymore. The only time spouses come up is if someone asks.

On my first day I encoutered the biggest difference. The deafening silence in the office. If we had crickets, you would hear them. No one plays a radio, no one talks to eachother because everyone is so focused on their computers.

Once in a while I can spice up the office and get people going. Get them to start communicating and bouncing ideas of eachother. Get them to work together and bullshit with eachother. But it is solely my effort that does this. Today - I did an experiment. I came in and said nothing all day. I didn't avoid conversation but I didn't actively start it.

You know what happened???

Silence.

All day.

Not a word was spoken to any coworker.

GOD these people are introverts.

Fatty McFatterson

2006-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Why is it everytime I start working out it makes me feel fat?

WHen I'm not working out - during my sibaticals from the gym - I feel ok, even thin sometimes. Then I think - I should really get back to the gym.

2 weeks into the return to regular workouts and I'm instantly gigantic.

HUGELY GIGANTIC

I've gained 4.5 pounds (depending on when I get on the scale sometimes its 6)

My chin has become 2 chins - 1 leeeetle chin and one GIGANTIC jowl right underneath.

My thighs have become tightly squeezed sausages.

The cellolite is also a lovely sight.

It looks like I'm 4 months pregnant in the belly and guess what - I'm not! well errr. not that I know of.

I just think it's totally wrong for you to be rewarded with working out 5 times a week and sweating your balls off with digusting fatness.

endrant.